The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have applied my al-anon program to situations and am finding myself exasperated today. Don't expect anything of my A I read and learn.
In applying this I do the bills, organization of our whole home, our son's schooling needs, run my business, do my volunteer work and I do all of this with no vehicle as my A ran up a large bill on my registration so I can't drive. We are now sharing his vehicle until I can register mine again on Jan 1st.
My son has lost all of his gloves and outerwear. I can't pick him up from school due to the nature of my business. If I was picking him up I would be asking him before we leave the school if he has everything. My A doesn't play any role as he can't in guiding our son in responsible choices.
My A has a slack job now so he is home most of the day sleeping or whatever. It doesn't help that his job adds lots of emotional baggage to my plate. Well it is not the job, but much surrounding it. I have used program to deal with the emotional challenges that brings. I am not supposed to worry about his relaxed life so I take time away from things I need to do, to do my program. I just took the day off of work today as I am feeling rather exasperated and spread thin.
I think what can I do to relieve things for myself without looking to the A for change. I can do program, not expect anything of him, look to myself to meet my own needs. I can try to lessen my load by not doing so much volunteer work. Part of the problem is that when my A was in a strong program and he had more of an active role and I committed to a volunteer program that takes up much of my time. I cannot back out of it until next year.
Do I not do volunteer work and live a slack life to anticipate the next six month lapse in his program? Isn't that negative thinking, anticipating the future and acting on it before it has happened? My business makes 75% of our income so that is a priority. I think even if I don't do volunteer work I still have a great deal on my plate.
They leave us with ALL the responsibility....in everything...because we have allowed it. We take up all the slack because they just refuse to. It's not that they can't do anything, it's that they won't do anything. They get into recovery and we are able to do things we want to do (Like you volunteering) then they get out of their recovery and we have trouble doing those things we want to do. I totally relate to that!!! Alanon tries to teach us how to just keep doing what we are doing and not let them affect us. The thing is, that's not always possible to do. Unless we live a life totally alone and not have anyone in it, we will always be affected by what others do or don't do, it's just human nature. We try and do the best we can, but it's not always going to be that way 100% of the time. You want a rest....just take a rest...you deserve it! We all do!
Clep your feeling overwhelmed today, feeling the effects of this disease....
First things first, you need to rest and gain strength, so you can think clearly.
Ask your HP for what you need, wisdom and clarity in order to make those decisions you need to make for your life. Sometimes we need to step back and let go and let the flow and natural rythmn of your life in. When were overwhelmed and try to direct it, we block it.
Listen to your HP and make Alanon the priority of your life, not the alcoholic.
I hope you have a sponsor, mine always brings me back to my higher power, where my true healing begins.
And I hope you have a meeting you can make today, it sounds like a priority. For me, I can stay home and rest, but my sick mind is never going to cure my sick mind.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Personally in my program I don't expect not to resent an alcoholic's actions. Of course I am going to be angry, easperated, aghast at their incredible selfishness! I am human after all. What I have learned to do is to pray, "ask to see this situation differently".
Every single day I have to practice boundaries, set them, reset them, adjust them, balance them and keep adjusting them sometimes 24/7. I am willing to do that now. I was not before. I kept on waiting for the alcoholics, addicts and others to change. They didn't I did. They absolutely keep up their same chaos and craziness and boundary testing I, these days, expect nothing else.
What's different is these days I am on my own side rather than kicking myself when I am down. Of course anyone who has to deal with an alcoholic on any level has a difficult life! We are not saints or martyrs we are living in the present. For me the insights, tools and knowledge I am gaining from working an a program sometimes in intensive fashion are a gift. I'm willing to accept that gift these days rather than keep yelling for something else. For me the boundary making, adjusting my expectations and taking care of myself are things I never did before. I do them now and for probably the first time in my life I am taking care of myself.
I have to personally deal with where I am now, rather than where I "should" be now. I have had to start with today, what is it today, how I can take care of me today, what can I do, how can I "improve this moment". How I can refocus back to taking care of myself rather than hoping, waiting and resenting that other's are on a path of destruction. I don't need to be there too getting on that roller coaster with them.
Plan A, Plan B, and so on. Sometimes none of the plans work. Yes, you can say no to volunteer work, etc. It will be there when you are more rested. A's never seem to get it. I use to hit a wall I was so exhausted with job, kids, etc. and the AHsober never got it.
I just went to a meeting as suggested and it was pretty good. It was the first day time meeting I have been to as I am always working.
I find myself thinking that I have to decided eventually how much I am going to take on for my A and for how long. I hear people saying that the A might not ever be able to take on much or certain things. I don't feel okay with taking on things for someone else on a permanent basis. I want someone in my life that is going to walk beside me, that is going to be able to give and take, that is not going to be incapable of living as an adult with responsibilities. I don't want to just live for today every day for the rest of my existence. I am a very goal orientated person. I am flexible in the timeline of those goals based upon life circumstances.
This is so frustrating right now. I realized when I was going to my meeting today that he is home every day and doesn't go to a meeting in the day time. I haven't thought about it before. I felt quite irritated as soon as I realized it. I had to go back to me and what I am doing. I am taking the day off of work tomorrow too and am going to go to another meeting if he isn't using his truck.
