The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had two moments today where I realized just how hard it is to really embrace Al Anon for me and how much I have to work on.
First, while driving to church this morning, there was a CD in the car that my wife was listening to. It was an AA CD--basically stories from the Big Book in CD form. Anyway, my wife was mocking it, and she said "you have to hear the first one, it is hysterical. This woman is like a comedy routine". So I'm listening to it and there is nothing funny about it. My wife is staring at me as I'm driving with a big smile on her face like it is the funniest thing she's ever heard. And I'm sitting there thinking--Am I supposed to pretend it is funny too and laugh? Or should I just say I didn't think it was funny and thought it was actually really insightful? Anyway, I went with the latter and my wife got upset, turned off the CD and sulked for most of the rest of the morning. And I let it bring me down too.
Later, we had some friends over and somehow we got on the subject of smoking. I knew that my wife was a smoker in the past, but my understanding had always been that she had quit before we started dating. A couple of years ago she admitted that she actually did smoke "off and on" for the first year we dated. I'm really anti-smoking so I'm not surprised that she never told me. But when she did "confess" to me a couple of years ago, it was a big deal, like she was filling me in on a big secret. It bothered me at the time but I was glad she told me. Anyway, tonight, while on the subject of smoking, she said to our friends "you know, I smoked up until the day that Brian (me) moved into my apartment.". I didn't move in until the week before we got married. It's like just how much lying has been going on here? I already have major trust issues because of all of the lying that went on with her drinking...And now it's becoming clear to me that she's been lying to me even before the drinking became an issue...(The "funny" thing is that I'm fairly confident that she is still smoking now...so she was quite possibly lying today when telling a story that exposed a previous lie).
Anyway, I know that I'm handling all of this the wrong way but it all just puts me off my wife so much...I just don't want to work at any of this anymore...
Lying is very hard to deal with and unattractive. It just is what it is.
As for her response to the CD, she may be putting up a front but I am sure she heard it. Maybe not right now, but it will stay somewhere in the back of her mind. When and if she is ready she will stop pushing it away.
As for your response - good for you! You were honest and it doesn't sound like you were hurtful or condescending. Kind of a bummer it ruined the rest of your day - but not letting that happen takes quite a bit of practice.
tlc
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Sounds like the rear wheels are stuck again Brian. From the definition of alcoholism early Al-Anon..."We find we are as affected as the alcoholic except we do not have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality; therefore we go thru the disease wide awake." While we are awake we become highly sensitized by what is going on. We don't think anything about it is funny while they are not even present mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. We go thru it alone and even after they stop drinking for a while and we are thinking sober our worlds are apart and in different orbits. She cannot and will not see it and feel it as you are sensitized to it now. She is a member of AA and she listens to recovery CDs and DVDs and tapes and such and she relates to the speaker...not to you and often times Drunk to Drunk their stories of what it was like, what happened after(the stopped and got into program) and what it is like now (sober living) are funny as hell and they will laugh while we are mortified and still angry and resentful. I wanted to scream "Do you know what the hell I went thru during this period of time in my life?" and maybe I did once or twice and the answer to that question was "No...she never knew...she was drunk." I learned to say softly "I don't understand and or that sounds crazy." And then I continued to work on why I needed to be in Al-Anon...fulltime, 24 hours a day. I needed to understand that most of the time she was drunk I was also being affected by this cunning, powerful and baffling disease that wasn't only taking my wife down and what also taking down myself and several others at the very same time. I didn't know that however I was soooo appalled by the insanity of it and the lack of control over it on all levels.
I learned also (really good lessons) not to take everything about her personally as if she was supposed to be some perfect woman or gift from her very first breath because sometime our lives were going to be joined together. She never did any of the things she did that I judged as bad or unacceptable to hurt me personally. Yes she did those things and more ... just like me before I met her and she never drank or used to hurt me. I am not that big an idol in anyone's life that they need to be or have been perfect because I was there.
The past is over; and can only support willing and honest change. The future isn't here yet so I don't have to live it yet. All I have now is the moment and a decision as to how I want to live it. I don't like living sick and I don't like living dependent upon how another person lives or lived their life. That's not sane.
As someone mentioned in another post...stand where you are at and dig for gold.
If you're trying to handle little stuff like this alone you're working with the wrong sponsor.
"I just don't want to work at any of this anymore".
Think about the positives Brian. Your wife is working her program. She's not drinking. By all accounts from your post your life is better. I've never been an alcoholic. I can't walk in their shoes. I can only imagine how terribly hard it must be to not have a drink when your body mind and spirit has been consumed by the disease. I see how it has taken over my wife's life controlling almost every aspect day in and day out.
Working my program was hard. Changing my old ways of thinking was even harder. Many times I realize I wasn't fair to her whether I expressed those feeling or not. Many times I wanted to give up. That would have been easy, but I looked around in my f2f meetings and I saw so many members who had situations much worse than mine that were happy while living in the disease. They had and were continuing to work their program. I joined MIP about that time and I saw more examples of countless members who had something I wanted. The members of this board were God sent. I could name them but they know who they are. Many of them have given you their ES&H just like they freely gave to me. They loved me, and wanted me to have what they had. Right or wrong, because of their love and support I felt a responsibility to keep putting one foot in front on another, to give it my best, to not quit even when that would have been the easiest road to take. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel as an on coming train.......but the light at the end of the tunnel was not an on coming train after all. It was my HP telling me to turn my wife over to him and let the two of them work on her problems. When I got out of their way, had acceptance, realized that neither of us were perfect, and worked my program to the best of my ability, I rounded the corner. We are all human and we all make mistakes and wrong decisions......acceptance. My wife is a good woman, she has a disease that neither of us have any control over......acceptance. I have truly found a way to be happy whether my wife is drinking or not, whether she lies or not, and the secret is this program. It does work. I'm proof and I'm grateful.
I don't want you give up on the program. I see someone who has come a long way in a short period of time and I have expressed that to you on this board and in a recent pm. Sometimes it's darkest right before dawn. Take a minute and reflect about where you are and where you were. Read you first post on MIP, and I think you will see changes for the good in your life. We all have our weak moments, but with the program those moments get further and further apart. Things that seemed important to me at the time or hurt my feeling I now see as part of the disease. Nothing about living in this disease is easy, but separating the disease from the person you love makes it easier to have forgiveness, peace of mind, and serenity.
This is a long response Brian, but it is heart felt.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Sunday 5th of December 2010 11:51:28 PM
-- Edited by RLC on Monday 6th of December 2010 12:02:19 AM
-- Edited by RLC on Monday 6th of December 2010 12:16:42 AM
You really have to realize that the program of Alanon is for and about you, no matter where your A is in her program or recovery. Your program is separate from her's.
Alcoholics have loose lips, they talk and talk just to be talking. Never giving a thought to what they are saying or who they are hurting. Especially while drinking is going on. Theres more than smoking going on, but no matter if smoking or drinking is going on, it has nothing to do with you. I see that your having a problem giving up control and focusing on your own stuff.
What other philosophy you going to follow??? Your making yourself upset because your not doing Alanon. You can say anything you want to your wife as long as you say it calmly. You can disagree with her. Alanon is not about laying down and letting the A walk all over you. I think you dont have a grasp of the concept of Alanon.
I dont know if you have a sponsor or not, try getting one. Not until I got a sponsor did I fully get the program. This program is the light that will set you free. Keep coming back, because it works if you work it. Luv, Bettina
How important is this anyway ?? its history . The past isnt going to change no matter how long u look at it . As for the tape I get it , I didnt think stories of A were funny either when I came here and it was really diff to listen to thier tapes or speakers . I had no sence of humor left just doom and gloom . we simply dont see things the same and thats okay today. I listen to alot of AA tapes today there is always something for me to learn , cause it seems I have several traits of my husb and I dont drink hmmmm. I am so much like my husb its scarry actually so there is always something for me to work on .. Listen to the cd again with an open mind you may hear something you need to hear.
-- Edited by abbyal on Monday 6th of December 2010 02:41:40 AM
""I just don't want to work at any of this anymore."
It is painful seeing exactly how chaotic and difficult things have been. And can continue to be. It sounds clear to me that your wife is just starting on the road to recovery. And when our eyes are opened to how crazy it's been (even crazier than we thought), the genie doesn't go back into the bottle. It's -- to coin a phrase -- sobering.
But the only way we can get through this time is to work on our own recovery, of course. Because otherwise we're just stuck in the quicksand. Our own recovery is what gets us past the pain (s-l-o-w-l-y) and into a new, different, more joyful life.
However, you don't have to work at your marriage or relationship any more. You could detach and work at making your own life better, and reassess six months down the line. Or you could separate. That's definitely a valid option. If even starting recovery, your wife turns out to be someone it's more stressful and painful to be with than not, you definitely can end the relationship. I say this because feeling trapped is so stressful, and you're not really trapped. If you choose to stay in the relationship for the present, it might be helpful to realize that you're in it because you have free will and you do choose it, at least for today.
Thanks everyone...I need to find some time to step back and reflect...on the replies here, and on everything. But your replies were all very helpful...Thank you!
I understand, nothing was funny in the beginning. I eventually learned that Laughter is the sound of recovery. The laughter is often about how ridiculous the disease was in me, how separated I had become from a HP who was there for me all along. I didn't know it, because I had been relying on my Self.
The laughter for me is also about how joyous it is to feel that connection once again! And the relief of not being alone, but connected to a fellowship of people who were once as sick as I was.
"I once was lost, but now am found, was blind but now I see."
If you take a look at your experience, you might see that you never had any power over your wife, you might see that your life is unmanageable... you might want to believe in a power greater than yourself to restore you... you might want to turn your will and your life over to the care of a higher power.... Only when I did these things, did I begin to feel like I wanted to keep on trying.
Keep coming back, my friend, and you will find yourself laughing too. I am convinced that all my HP wants me to do today.... is love and laugh. (((hugs)))
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
"I just don't want to work at any of this anymore."
Wow how many times I have felt that feeling...then I think about the A trying to get sober and make changes in thier lives how much harder it must be for them. Trying to change while thier minds and bodies are literally screaming for them to just take 1 drink or get that 1 high. I have got to grateful for the fact that at least I can work my program without and substance calling my name everytime i turn around. Like it or not you and your wife are connected forever just by the fact you have children together. You will always be dealing with her and her behavior. So do it in a way that allows you personal happiness and peace and to be able to teach your children healthy coping skills. For me my son is an A....and believe me I have wanted to throw in the towel many a time. Because IT IS WORK and my son will be my son for life....in good times and in bad. So I had to work this program for me ( not him) no anyone else. And once I found I could apply all the steps, principles and tools of alanon in ALL aspects of my life it became much more immportant to me. I wanted to be a better person ( for me ). The program is work but so worth it ....thats the best I can offer you. You will get out of the program what you put into it. Blessings
I was blessed with a wonderful day today. Everything went well at work on what could have been a really challenging day...I came home to a smiling wife and children...our kids were wonderful tonight...playing together, laughing, giggling...just a great great day...
Thanks to everyone for helping with your replies. I think I'm going to take some time off from posting here and spend more time reading. There's so much valuable information that you all share...and I need to spend more time letting it sink in.
