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Hi. Have dealt with A for Years. Now instead of my former mate, it is my child of whom I speak. He lives in another state and recently married a partier.
He has had a dui, told me in his later teen years he was an alcoholic (in the military at that time). He quit for a time, turned to physical fitness and his faith. Those were good years. He excelled in his career.
His new wife is a drama girl, young and immature. I have not been around her much and won't be unless she decides she wants to see us. I had cancer when they met, had both of my parents living with us and my husband and I were full time care givers for 2 1/2 years. Exhaustion is not even an adequate or descriptive enough of a word for my husband and I.
For this son, all he had to say were things like "Everyone is falling apart back there" and he was absent throughout my cancer treatment and when I nearly lost the battle. I was so gravely ill. (Not now! Still recovering but doing Well and am Grateful!).
I never heard from his short romanced and now wife during this time, even though she lived locally then. Weird to us. We were nothing more than wedding guests. Not even mentioned on wedding invitations, although I paid for the first wedding etc. (He now makes megga bucks compared). She is rude telling me I ruined their engagement weekend ???
I hear from my other children they will be in town during Christmas. I do not expect to see or hear from them (a first, but this new woman...) I have Many friends and we are Blessed and covered with love in our lives.
It just isn't from this oldest child who is drinking heavily as noted in their open bar wedding and his new bride along with her fam. Hurts my heart. We don't "party", we don't need too. I've been out of the drama for 14 years and have a very loving and peaceful home. (Wasn't with my parents here, home health in and out, both with dementia and hard of hearing with a myriad of health issues, noisy 20 out of 24 hours avg).
We do not have a relationship. For the first time, I will not buy Christmas gifts for him or her. I did for their summer birthdays (I was still very sick, but went out to her fav boutique etc wrapped gifts and made their box, to post office etc) and did not hear anything from them on my Thanksgiving birthday. Usual for him since his girlfriend was murdered a few years back.
I do not talk about these issues. I try like heck to forgive and move on in all accounts. Including myself.
Boundaries. I want to have them with him. Bouncing in and out like he's gone for coffee. IE last fall, he flew home for a fb game, surprised me at work, told me to get down and get my passport for his Nov wedding in the islands. I did (had planned too prior). He stayed with me, went out with his brothers and we were to have a family bbq (he said yes to this) the next day. Didn't call, show up all night only to shower before his flight home with no explanation (he met this wife tailgating). It's all absurd. He dumped the one he was to marry last Nov. (She was a druggie, the one who was murdered was an A and on drugs).
Help:) I want to ditch the bad memories and move on.
My most recent sentiments have been "win some and lose some" and I lost on one out of 3. I turned them over to God, and they are in His hands. I am not trying to make anything happen, or not happen. I just do not want to be anyones floor mat, including the new woman in his life. She is infatuated with his career. She posted a pic of him passed out in his uniform on fb. I don't look there anymore, have blocked it. Oh well. I did see a pic of him hanging on his new mil with beer in hand and his new wifie all of them intoxicated. It is ok, really. I do Not want to be remotely near that environment. However, I am comforted by the notion that I did not have to drink to love him and No One can take my memories away.
FYI, he is 33 w no children. I do pray this childless state remains the same for the sake of any children and what they would have to live w. My children were in alakid. This son told me as an angry teen that he was going to drink like his Dad. Who is slowly dying to this day (amputations, dementia, black outs, alchoholic varices etc).
This is long, I apologize. As I said, I don't talk about this much.
Anyone dealing with the generational fallout? If so, I would so appreciate hearing how you cope and suggestions on how I can improve.
Im so happy that you are still alive and made it thru all that.....
We never know why people, friends and even our own blood do the things they do. My own daughter has been divorced twice and I can always tell when its not working out, because she starts to blame everything on me, when I dont even cross over the lines of meddling in her life. She doesnt drink, but has other issues, but other than that , she is always trying to work on herself.
Your son's wife sounds like a full blown addict and your son loves it for now. Doesnt sound like she is a good influence, but he did pick her and like attracts like.
You just have to wait till it runs its course and it will. Then he will be left to still deal with his addiction. He is only 33, this could take some time. Hope it doesnt.
You can just focus on yourself and let him and his wife go, like your doing. My daughters 2nd husband was a addicted gambler. I knew it from the beginning but I knew nothing I could say would have changed anything. It took 5 years for her to find out to what extent, he was borrowing before he would even get his paycheck, he gambled 49,000. every year and hid it from her. Divorce is final this month. Its always best to say nothing. Then they come to seek you out at the end.
Keep coming back and continue to grow strong in Alanon. So sorry about your husband.
So sorry to hear about what you have been through, I also have an addict son (age 30) that started the family down the road to hell right out of high school.
We have done all that we know to help him, now looking back we helped too much. He lives within ten min of us and that is too close, all the drama comes to our doorstep. He really doesn't have a concept of the grief he has brought first to himself and then to the family.
I don't have an answer as to why some of our children go down this road, we were never party people either, I thought provided a stable but loving home would produce a stable loving child (WRONG), he always told us how boring the family was etc. Nothing that has happened, the DUIs, the fights with other addicts that could have easily killed him. Nothing, but nothing has ever been his fault.
It is madding, but I have begun to work the Alanon concepts, people here are so valuable in experience and wisdom.
I have had to accept the unacceptable, I have no other choice. I am trying very hard to deal with the loss of this relationship I wanted but not what my son wanted, was very hard fact to accept, living with that brings full blown depression with its full force. But I have a husband, a teen son with Autism that needs me very much, I must do my best for them.
Be grateful he doesn't live close by, I don't mean to be cruel in saying that, I understand also about taking care of parents, I was trying to see about my mother for years and he took advantage of me and her during our most vulnerable time.
Come back here and let these wonderful people share the wisdom they have to give.
