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Ran into a situation last night that I was unprepared for. Okay, that's kinda funny, because that pretty much sums up life with an A, and now for me, what life with teenagers is like.
My son is 17. Our relationhip is a struggle, and my issues with him revolve more around attitude and honesty, than behavior. He is good about responding to my texts when I check up on him, however I do not always know that what he is telling me is completlely accurate. Last night there was a community celebration and he was out and about with friends. All on foot, for it is a small town. Early in the evening he asked if he could spend the night with a friend and I said "no". Definately the right answer, but I had to sit in some discomfort in listening to his opposition. So, a bit later he asks if a different friend can stay the night. I said yes, partly because I wanted to divert him from the other activity he had planned, but also, I've known this kid since he was in kindergarten and he is a good kid. I assumed (first mistake) they were headed to our house right then.
I got home after 11 (had my other two with me at a gathering) and the boys weren't there. Contacted son and they were on their way. It took a long time for a short distance, and I kept checking up. Anyway, they got home and his friend was clearly drunk. Looked it, acted like it, smelled like it. My son, on the other hand was not, and was very clear in how he looked, acted, and spoke. He admitted to having a few sips of beer and smoking a cigarette and cigar, but said he was the DW (designated walker). At first he tried to say his friend was not drunk, but that went over like a lead balloon. So he admits his friend had had beer and vodka, and had not eaten, so it was much worse. He friend just kept saying, "it wasn't him, it was me..." I pretty much let him know that it didn't matter how he got there. He was drunk. I was very calm over the whole thing, so for that I give myself credit.
Anyway, son set up a sleeping bag for friend and told him to go to sleep. I had a conversation with my son and tried to get a chronology of the night. I then reinforced that I did not agree with him drinking or smoking on any level, but I did try to acknowledge that I was glad he seemed sober. Son, of course, has an attitude. The whole time I questioned whether I should have took the kid home.
So, my question is.... Should I have took the kid home? Would you have? I would want someone to do that for me. Of course, I didn't sleep most of the night, hoping the kid wakes up in the morning and that there won't be a mess to have him clean up. It's 7:45 and I am still a little nervous about that.
I think I will tell my son this.... In the future, if he has a friend over that is drunk, I will take him home, for I do not condone it, I will not be a safe haven for drinking or any type of substance abuse, and I do not want someone's else's child to get sick, or worse, die on my watch.
What was hard was not having someone with me to figure it out. I'm not so good at coming up with solutions on the spot. I am, however, really good about obsessing over what I should have done. Of course, that leads to my resentments toward my exAH who is now sober and actually now would be a good support.
I don't like this one bit.
Thanks for being here.
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
It is your house and you need to do what makes you comfortable. If you can't condone that behavior . . . then there is your answer! Just be consistent because they will take any waivering on your boundary as an opportunity to jump right in and do it again. Kids will be kids.
Personally, I completely agree with you.
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Well first I will say I have never met a teenager who didn't have an attitude lol I think your son was probably trying to protect his friend from the wrath of his parents. My son who is now an A came to me with the same situation....he said he had a friend outside whos parents had just kicked out of the house and wanted to know if he could crash at our house. My son was acting kinda funny, not like he was high but more like he was uncomfortable with the situation. I didn't know this kid from adam so I went out to talk to him my self. The kid was high and also told me his parents had kicked him out of the house. I had the feeling that, that wasn't true. So I told the kid he could stay but I would need his phone number because as a minor I wasnt going to have someone in my home without parental consent. When I said that the kid straighened up and said no thanks I will find somewhere else to stay. i said alrighty then and we too live in a small town and the kid was on foot. He wandered off to another friends house. When we got inside my son said " thank you mom, I don't know this guy very well and i don't know what he is capable of doing and only asked you if he could stay because i felt pressured, I also knew you would tell him you would contact his parents and he wouldnt go for that" I mean the relief on my sons face was so obvious. Unfortunaly a couple of years later he met up with this kid again and began his own drug use. So I would say anytime you have a minor in your home for the night I would always insist the parents be called. You don't nessesarily have to "out" the kid but if you feel confortable doing that then that is the right thing to do. I only know if my son didnt come home for the night I would be sick with worry. Blessings
I think you are very clear about your boundaries and why you have them. Do what is right for you.
Your son very well might have been wanting to protect his friend from what his parents would say. I might be wondering how I would feel if another parent had my drunk child in their home. I might not even know where my child was and the worry I would feel. Just another thought I had.
You are amazing!!! I would have tossed the drunk right out on his butt, shut the door and locked it. Then I would have given my kid a whatfor. You did the mature, adult, reasonable thing. And now that it has happened you can set your boundry for further incidents.
I caught my 15 yr old with a bottle in her make up case. I confronted and we talked etc. She told me who she got it from and I explained that I do not want that kid in my home ever again. And I don't. Everyone who knows me knows I don't do alcohol. I don't have it in my home, I don't drink and I don't allow anyone to bring alcohol into my home nor are any drunks allowed here either. Firm on those boundries.
I called the school social worker and got her involved. Turns out she is an adult child and an A herself....very familiar with the 12 steps so she was very easy to talk to and understood where I was coming from with my fear.
That was the crisis. Since the crisis has past, I am able to look around at other parents and see how they are handling the insanity that is teenagerdom...
God bless us all.... ((((((((((((((((((((Lou))))))))))))))))))))))
You did great! You followed your instinct and did what was in the best interest of your family. You didn't throw a fit. You didn't call him every name in the book. You handled calmy, firmly and with love. That's all anyone can ask. I too would have been sleepless.
Eventhough my beloved Tim is gone, I still get resentful of it at times. Especially when I am having an extra tough day and all I want is to come home and let someone else handle it. In the end I do end up handling it. I've come to recognize those feelings are going to be there and I just have live in the moment. They eventually subside. Sometimes I cry all night. Sometimes I stew about it and take it out one some poor soul (not very proud of that) and then make my amends to them. It's taking life on life's terms. That's exactly what you did. I'm proud of you. Much love and blessings to you and your family. Happy Holidays!
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Claws
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
