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and feel terribly guilty that I (or we) upset our daughter so much. My daughter and I came home at 8PM from a nice day outdoors at a Christmas festival near us. Wife hadn't come because she wasn't feeling well (yes I did invite her). When I come in the door she starts telling me that a relative from Germany was here and that we were supposed to visit them as they are leaving tomorrow. Now I'm wiped out and so is my daughter. I asked who this was. Well it was someone I never heard of before (mind you we've been married 12 years, that I never met, has never called us, emailed, letters, Xmas cards etc.). On top of that my wife didn't care much that I met her as my daughter did (again this person and my daughter haven't even heard of each other). I said I was tired and was it really that important. I mean she still didn't call us while she was here (which tells me it wouldn't matter much to her if she didn't meet my daughter, or us at all). But I called the house where they were, agreeing to stop in for a 1/2 hour or so to say hello. Turns out this person and some other members of my wife's family weren't home, and were on their way to out locally to eat and sight see a little. I made plans to see them in the morning (meaning I'd get up an hour earlier than usual on my day off and squeeze in a visit before I went to church with my daughter. My wife suggests that my daughter sleep over there. Now I don't know this person from ADAm although I do know and trust the other family members she's staying with. I start to try to explain and finally in frustration I said "no". I just made plans to got there tomorrow, they are not home, not coming home for a while, my daughter is exhausted and so am I. She starts attacking "your selfish", "you don't care about my family" (which is ironic as I do more for her family in a month with rides and help etc than she's ever done for my family since we've been married). Long story short I blew up. I was not verbally abusive and didn't attack her but I was angry. Wife yells back, daughter crying and a nice day ruined (pretty much - was able to separate the good day from the fight later but I don't know about my daughter). I'm so mad at myself that I didn't just walk away.
I am so sorry to hear that your daughter got upset last night. Despite the fact that you didn't handle things the way that you would've liked to and ended up blowing up, I personally believe that you did the right thing by letting her know that you and your daughter were too tired to go for a visit, and that you made an effort to compromise so you and your daughter could stop in for a brief visit this morning, by getting up earlier on your day off and going there before church. I feel that your wife's attacking comments were unacceptable and inappropriate. To me, she was the one being selfish by not taking into consideration that you and your daughter were exhausted from the day's earlier events. Of course that is just my opinion. I hope that things are better for you today, and that your daughter is not too upset after what happened last night. Don't beat yourself up too much about blowing up at your wife. I can't guarantee that I wouldn't have blown up either if I was told I was being selfish and didn't care about her family. Maybe you can talk to your daughter today about all the fun you and her had yesterday as a way to take her mind off of the blow up last night if she is still focusing on that. That may help her see that if you can still focus on the good things that happened yesterday, and not let the negative things get you down, that she can too. That is how I would handle it with my kids if I were in your situation. Just a friendly suggestion.
Take care,
Kimmy
__________________
Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
These are everyday issues that happen to all families and people.
I wish I had a dollar for everytime my parents had a disagreement. I don't see it as a big deal Yankees. You seem to want to protect your daughter to the point that is abnormal. I use to hear my parents fight and it didnt affect me in any adverse way. Sometimes exposing children to a dose of reality is healthy.
You seem to want perfection in your life that is unobtainable.I know you have told us many times your wife doesnt drink. So what is the problem?. Could be that your wife is somewhat jealous of you and your daughters relationship. I maybe missing the point, but I dont see where it falls under Alanon. You also seem to enjoy being the victim.
There are human beings really suffering from the affects of their spouses and childrens and family members drinking that come to this board in desperation. Im sorry to be so blunt but I have to get this off my chest. I know that I will get posts that will disagree with me.
And I know that I have the choice to not respond to you, which I mostly dont. But I think a lot of stuff you want to discuss can be settled by your common sense.
We are not perfect. I know when we are tired we just aren't always able to practice our skills!
It was a very wierd request. I am sorry MY view, means zero. NO way would I allow my kid, boy or girl go overnight with someone there I don't know. NO way.
Family may be just fine, visitor too, but who knows who else may come over! This can bring situations that are dangerous for our kids! This is experience talking here.
I am sure sometimes we get tired of explaining everything. No is no. I remember on Sesame Street, a goat saying,"It's not baaaaaaad, to get maaaaaad!"
People bump heads. I am sad your daughter got upset. Maybe you could make a deal with daughter to leave the room when you and mom bump.
I am sure she gets mad at people and they share words, remind her how that feels and how it does not really mean anything.
Sorry that your daughter got upset and you feel you could have handled things better. I have got to say if I was put in your shoes in that situation I probably would have lost it too. When we are tired our defenses go down and we don't always work our program properly. That being said children seeing thier parents fight or disagree is not a bad thing. That is part of life and part of living with someone. Thinking you can live with someone 24/7 for years and not fight is a delusion. When my husband and I had our children we didn't want them exposed to the same type of fights our parents had. They were scarey and always left us feeling insecure. So we made a pact of sorts that when we fought we would have rules...1st never fight dirty by name calling, bringing old issues that were irrevalante to the current disagreement, never bring the children into it and 2nd always make sure that when we fought the children would also see a resolution to the fight even if it was only that we would chose to agree to disagree. I think it is important that the child see the resolution. and 3rd when the fight was over it was over, not to be dragged out all day long or all night. These rules served us well in bringing up our children. It taught them to fight fairly among each other or with thier friends. Maybe in a calm moment you and your wife can set some ground rules about fights or disagreements, writing them out at first without judgement of condemnation. We had our rules posted for a couple of years till we got used to them. Now as far as the decision you made last night about visiting with this long lost relative and your daughter spending the night I think your decision of NO was spot on. I would never leave my child with someone I didnt know, even if you knew the other relatives you didn't know the visiting one. And as a child of abuse myself I trusted no one I hadn't vetted throughly with my children. That may sound over protective but they went on sleep overs and off to friends homes and all the things kids do...I just did my home work on the people first. I think a quick explanation to your daughter that you were tired last night and could have handled things differently neither you or her mom meant to upset her and that she is safe and secure. Just that simple I think Blessings
I agree with the telling of your daughter you were tired. I know I do that when I am feeling sick and end up snapping on my kids.
I'm sorry you don't feel so well about what happened, but I guess it's over now. You can try to explain and move on. I know I try so hard to control my anger in certain situations, but it's not everytime. Like they say, a work in progress...
Check out the language of the 10th step if you haven't already. Use patience and openmindedness and others' feedback and then follow thru with it. That's if you haven't already and if you have...great keep working it. ((((hugs))))
