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Last night as usual, AH was drinking and if I had to guess, I would say he was probably drunk. Everything was fine until around 10pm. The kids were in the kitchen making holiday crafts, and AH was in there with them making them some hot chocolate. I remembered something funny that happened at work on Friday, and thought AH would get a good laugh out of it, so I went in there to tell him I had a funny story to tell him. I got about 10 seconds into it, and he interrupted me saying "hold on", and told the kids something. Then he said to continue that he was listening. I started telling him again and about 10 seconds into it he says "sorry, I'm not really listening. Let me finish this real quick." I got frustrated, walked off, went to get a cigarette and went outside to smoke. About a minute later he comes outside and says "Now what were you saying?" I said "Nevermind." He gets pissed, starts cussing saying "What the 'xxxx' are you talking about? What do you mean nevermind?" I just stood there smoking my cigarette. Then he says "What the 'xxxx' is your problem?" I said "I am frustrated." He says "Why the 'xxxx' are you frustrated?" I said "Doesn't exactly feel good to try to tell you something, only to get interrupted twice." He says "All I know is that you are 'xxxx' telling about something about work, and we were all enjoying the Christmas spirit. There is a 'xxxx' time and a 'xxxx' place to talk about work, and that time and place wasn't 'xxxx' it." I said "It was a funny story, it wasn't like I was complaining about work as I usually do. Sorry, I won't share anything about work with you again, whether it is good or not." He said "I don't know what the 'xxxx' your problem is." I said "I just told you, I am frustrated with being interrupted twice." And then I started to walk off to go back inside. He said sarcastically "Well, sorry for your 'xxxx' frustrations." I sarcastically said back "No you're not!" He said "You're right, I'm not."
So I go inside, turn off the laptop I was on in the living room, and go into the bedroom and get on my computer in there, so when AH comes back inside, I don't have to be around him. What does he do when he comes inside? He comes straight into the bedroom, griping at me again saying "What the 'xxxx' is your problem? I just don't understand." I said calmly "I've already told you a couple of times. No sense in repeating myself." He says "No reason to be a dumb@$$ about it." I didn't respond to his comment. Then he says "Geez, way to be a buzz-kill!" I got up from my chair and said "I've heard enough out of you for tonight. I am going into the other room." He said "Good!" I said "I came in here in the first place to get away from you, but you come in here anyways bitching at me more." He said "I came in here to play my game, not knowing you were going to be in here." I just walked off and went back into the living room. I was in there for less than 5 minutes, when he comes in there, and says "You can go back into the bedroom now." So I shut off the laptop, and came into the bedroom, and went to bed. I heard my 11 year old ask AH what was wrong with me and AH said to him "She is just being a girl." I wanted to go in there and ream him for saying that to our son. The way it sounded to me when he said that is like there is something wrong with being female, and I don't particularly like that. If we do happen to talk about the events of last night sometime today, I am going to bring up him saying that to our son. I am going to let him know that comments like that are not appropriate because it brings a negative light on being a female and there is nothing wrong with being female. I am going to let him know that there are other appropriate ways to explain what was wrong with me last night such as saying "She is upset", or "She is angry", or "She is mad".
This is the first time we've ever had a heated argument while AH was drunk, and boy it sure didn't feel good. I am surprised I didn't cry last night when I went to bed. I could feel that I was on the verge of it, but the tears just wouldn't come out. I am still very upset with him for how he treated me last night. There is no telling how today will be, or if he will even remember what happened last night. I have no idea how much he drank last night, as he was already drinking when I got home from the grocery store. Honestly, I don't care to know either. All I know is that he was probably drunk.
Thanks for letting me share.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Sunday 5th of December 2010 04:46:33 PM
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Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
We always have moments when we don't handle things well. I had one myself last night that I'll post later. All I can do is keep trying. The progress is in having those moments fewer and farther between. You're husband's behavior after the fact was obviously unacceptable. The cursing, belittling etc are all out of bounds IMO. I can understand why you'd be upset about it. I know he interrupted you twice but your description didn't sound so bad to me. Sorry I'm a guy . I know it wasn't the most polite thing he could do but in his defense he was working with the kids (I'm assuming appropriately), and he did come back to you to hear your story when you went outside, so he did care enough on some level to give you the chance to tell it. Now of course I don't live with the guy, there may be other factors at work here that made you more frustrated with this (and my wife does this to me all the time. It IS frustrating). I'm wondering if you were already upset with him that he was drunk? (Again understandable). Anyway, we always have opportunities to do better the next time and that's all we can do. We can't control THEM or THEIR behavior. Only ourselves. Obviously you did not go to bed feeling good, so there is something to work on here. I'm going to post my screw up last night as well. Look forward to your perspective on that too.
OMG! He apologized to me for his behavior last night. For one, I am surprised he even remembered the events of last night, and two, it's pretty rare that he apologizes for anything, even when he is clearly in the wrong. I'm impressed. Another thing, is I told my story that I wanted to tell him last night, and he actually listened, and got a good laugh out of it too.
Thanks for your response mjhyankees. After reading your response, I realized that you are probably right, that he did care enough to come outside to let me tell the story. I was just very frustrated because this isn't just an isolated event where he has interrupted me when I am telling him something. He has a short attention span due to having adult ADHD, and there have been many times in the past when I have been telling him something, and he will interrupt me and say something like "get to the point", or he will start doing something else like sending an email or something, and then will say "I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. What were you saying again?", only to get distracted again, and then will ask me to repeat myself for a third time. There have been other times when I will be in the middle of telling him something, and he will just walk off, totally ignoring the fact that I am talking. There have been times where it is just slightly frustrating to me, and other times it is infuriating.
I wasn't upset that he was drinking last night. Sure, I don't like that he drinks, but I've come to accept the fact that that is what an alcoholic does, even though he doesn't believe he is an alcoholic, and that I can't control the fact that he drinks. It is what it is.
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Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
We learn to hate the person when they are drunk. The things they say, the things they do, the way they act, the way they smell. I couldn't stand to be around him when he was like that, it was just sickening to me. I would find myself watching how much he was drinking, watch how his eyes would start to change. I hated seeing the change in him with each drink he'd finish.
Now he's not here, and I miss him so much, I keep thinking, I'll put up with that, just to have him here. Pretty sick huh? It goes with the old saying, "Can't live with them, can't live without them" For me the only way I can get by is the "out of sight out of mind"
The story of my life. I stink at it. Glad to hear he apologized. Have you taken a look at your part in it? Anything you could change?
It sounds as though he is receptive. Perhaps you could focus on a solution to this if it is a repetitive problem. Maybe once the dust settles you two can discuss how to break this cycle.
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Yeah, I realized I could've waited till he wasn't busy doing something for the kids, so he wouldn't have been so distracted and could've focused on what I had to say easier. I could've also let go of my frustration when he followed me outside asking me to tell him my story then instead of being stubborn and not telling him when he was willing to listen, all because he couldn't (or at the time what I interpreted as wouldn't) listen to me the first time. I definitely could've handled myself a lot better than I did, instead of taking my frustrations out on him in a passive/aggressive way.
Looking at my part in this is a HUGE improvement for me compared to pre-alanon days because in those days, I would've just blamed him for everything, and wouldn't have looked at my part in the breakdown of communication that led up to the argument. Now that I know I can do better, I will do my best to do better.
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Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
. I know it wasn't the most polite thing he could do but in his defense he was working with the kids (I'm assuming appropriately), and he did come back to you to hear your story when you went outside, so he did care enough on some level to give you the chance to tell it.