The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In order to truly heal, to truly break the cycle that we get in with an A.....we have to do things differently, think differently, change our life. Just like an A does...they have to change things in their life so they don't fall into the same patters as before.
How do I know if the changes that I believe I need to make are the right ones? I've come to a point to where I feel I need some major drastic changes. I feel that it's time for me to move. I'm talking a possible drastic move out of state. To begin fresh, to really get out of the cycle, the memories, the craziness, the obssession. Close friends believe this would be good for the kids and myself, surprisingly. The thing is, it actually does make sense. We've been in the same city for so long and it's been the same cycle over and over, he leaves and I wait for him. I've talked to my kids about this and they really aren't against the idea. My oldest who is grown, thinks its a great idea. I wonder if he wishes I would have done it while he was at home. I believe they are like me, they sit here and wait for him to wise up and come home.
This truly isn't running away....this is breaking a cycle and showing my kids that we can make it, we can be strong and move forward and begin a new life somewhere and leave this bad stuff behind. We have no family here anyway.... The more I think about it, the better I feel. It's like it has given me something to think about, some sort of purpose, I can focus on something new rather than him...something old.
From experience what worked for me was getting into the face to face rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups and sitting down listening, learning and practicing what was working for others and that included not making any major changes in my life for 2 years before considering what to do next. No I didn't do that one as best I could but as much as I did of it worked wonders for me. The sponsors I had, the steps and traditions and the slogans along with all of the literature and most of all finding that my Higher Power had been right behind me for all those years of lunacy.
Changing towns was called a "Geographical" attempt at a cure. Why it doesn't work most of the time is that I take the person with the problem with me; and that is me.
Change you and everything changes and you can leave town with solutions.
How do I know they are the right ones? My early sponson gave me a clue... Decide what it is that I wanted for my life and then do the work to get it. First thing I wanted was sanity. Sanity is the last word in the 2nd step of the 12 steps of Al-Anon "Came to believe that a Power Greater than myself could lead me to sanity." If I was powerless and insane as a consequence of my own thoughts, feelings and behaviors I needed some one more powerful than myself. That's how it starts and then goes on.
Course you can always carry on like its going right now and the outcome is known.
Changing self is not easy and with the simple Al-Anon program it gets easier.
my experience was that whenever things got really tough for me, rather that sit still and face it, I moved, put all my energy into the move, telling myself I would be better, happier, etc etc once I got to where I was going, only of course it didnt work like that, because once I got there, unpacked, and settled in, all my demons were sitting right there in my head waiting for me.
I now look back and see I used the move to avoid issues, to make myself feel better, to give me something new to think about, some of those moves heaped lots more problems on me, some of them were for the best, the last one being the best move I ever made, most of them could have been avoided though.
sometimes a move and change of place is very healthy, but take your time, wait six months say, then decide again, the last thing you want is to get there and discover you dont like where you moved to and your problems all came with you!
Not that moving is out of the question, but it has to be for the right reason, moving doesnt change anything , unless its for a new job or opportunity.
Japanese have a saying, "Stay where you are and dig for gold".
Would you move closer to family? While I do believe that moving is not always the answer and that we often take our problems with us, I also think that finally coming to acceptance of where one is and taking the steps to do something different is important and empowering, and that sounds like what you want to do. Sounds like the 3 A's to me... Awareness, Acceptance and Action.
I believe if you pray about it and really start taking the steps to take care of yourself, whether it is there or somewhere else, that your HP will lead you. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know living in limbo is a tough place to be.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
My experience is that my husband and I ( neither of us A's) moved 3 states away from our addictive families so our children would not be exposed to the daily drama and trauma of this disease. We really thought this was the answer to breaking the cycle. We didn't want to shut our families out of our lives, we visited back and forth many times and weekly phones calls ect. We wanted our children to love our families just not have the daily expouser. I do not regret our move one bit and it's been 14 yrs now. However not being in our own recovery we brought our dysfunction right along with us. We had lived with A's all our lives and we sure had the behaviorisms to prove it. We had many of the "isims" of the A. So we could have moved across the world and it wouldnt have stopped us from passing our own dysfunctional thinking anf behaviors down to our children. Had I understood any of this I would have been in this program the moment my children were born. So while a move may be good for you and just what you need please stick with the program because we can't change just by changing locations. Our son despite all our efforts ( that we knew at the time) became an A. We couldn't have been more shocked after all we had done to break the cycle. Just stick with your program whatever your decision may be Blessings
sorry, my post sent without my finishing, I am still glad I moved to get away from the dysfunction of both of our families as I think my son had a better upbringing because of it, he wasnt around it so much, the kids whose parents did stay seem worse than my son, and are involved in crime, drugs and alcohol, I never drank around my son either, and my husband although he did drink at weekends, never let my son see him, and yet he grows up and becomes dependant on alcohol, I did my best to give him the sort of childhood I never had, years of therapy for all of us, am in therapy myself now 19 years, in order to just have frequent support, and still it happens to us, life can be so cruel sometimes and now because of alcohol I lose my son to it, life sucks
My experience is, I always wanted to "do" something, I was always thinking, "I gotta fix this NOW!" This was my knee-jerk reaction. I don't like feeling my uncomfortable feelings, I want them to go away FAST!
The hardest thing for me to learn in the beginning was to WAIT. My sponsor always told me, "Wait is a verb.... it is doing something."
I can't remember how long you said you've been practicing the steps, but I agree with Jerry, do not make any major decisions until you have some considerable time in recovery, and then, only make them with the help of a sponsor who knows you. I would ask if those friends of yours are recovery friends...?? I get the best advice from my recovery friends. My other friends (and my family) all want to fix me too... I was like that too, it fed my ego, telling people what they should do!
Don't know how many times you've moved your kids, I did it twice. Both moves were very traumatic, even though they were both on board with it (the first time. The second time they said, NOT AGAIN!") Everything in their world changes, it was NOT easy.
Believe it or not, you can break your cycle right where you are. You can! You just have to start practicing something different. You've taught your husband how to treat you in the past, now you have to teach him something different. You played a part in this cycle and because of all the suffering, you have learned that something has to change.... you. We all have do this in recovery, you are not alone.
BTW, I did include my sponsor on my decision to move back to my home state after my divorce. She did not endorse it, but I moved anyway. Honestly, I wish I had listened to her. I had an expectation that it would be nice to live near my family again. I don't know what I was thinking!!! It has only compounded my problems, as she predicted it would.
My ESH is, to wrap your head around getting to lots of meetings, working the steps, and finding a sponsor. Just for today. If, after all of that, it STILL seems like the right decision, THEN it will be right.
From the sound of your post, you seem unsure, you don't know if this is the right decision..... The program suggestion is, when we don't know what to do, DO NOTHING. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Sunday 5th of December 2010 06:38:29 PM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I have a very dysfunctional family. I moved away from them.
If I am inside a house with them involved in the chaos it would be much harder for me to learn functional thinking. If I was looking at the dysfunction through the window as an observer it is easier for me to learn healthy thinking.
I moved away ten years ago and I see everyone with the same thought processes, all still in the chaos. My family has all left me now as when I started to see the chaos for what it was and refuse to engage in it, they did not want anything to do with me anymore.
For me moving was for that purpose and it was quite productive. I do not think I was running away from problems, but to a fresh perspective that was not ruled by chaos.
I didn't want my life changes to be any harder than they had to be. Kind of like an A that has just quit drinking sitting in a bar.
I am not thinking that way with my A though. I have my program now that I didn't have back then.
I can decide not to make any decisions today. I can take some time to think about it. I will not make any life decisions until I am working my program consistently for a period of a year or so. I have been in Al-anon for longer than that but have not been working a strong program until the last month or so and only feel like I am just getting it over the past two weeks, even after doing all of my steps in the past.
I get what everyone is saying, I do have a lot to think about. The biggest thing is my home really is to big anymore.....it was perfect when there were 6 of us living here....but there are only 4 of us now, and the mortgage is so high, and I don't even know if I'll be paying this months mortgage with the month long binge the A went on. I don't know if he's working, has found a new job, got the old one back...I know nothing. There's just a lot on my shoulders and a lot for me to decide alone, can't really turn this one over, you either pay your mortgage, let it go, or sell...!
I have spent my life moving. Every 3 years I have moved. I don't know why, but it ends up that way. So even though I need to move this spring, its not to get away from where I am, its because my drive time to and from work is killing my budget. So, I am planning a move, but I am also doing the work in Alanon, with a sponsor. My sponsor has been a god send. I am not sure how far you are in your program or steps, but having a sponsor has helped me tremendously. I can't say enough good about it! A sponsor can help guide you when you want to make this kind of decision. They won't make a decision for you, but can help you figure out why you want to move or whatever it is. I know for me, I spent 4 months on the topic of ending a business relationship with my photography partner. My sponsor helped me go over what and how to say it. When I did, it came out just right. What I am saying is, if you have a program and a sponsor, you may find that you don't need to move. Wherever you go, there you are....
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
