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I have an AH who has been in recovery. Things have been great, however, I believe that he is "experimenting" with small amounts of alcohol to see if he can get away with it. He has always wanted to be able to drink like others. He goes to meetings and has a strong support group but doesn't reach out. Enough about him. I go to meetings and read my books. I am recovering from the pain of living with an AH. A couple of weeks ago, I confronted him calmly and asked if he had been drinking. He said no. Of course, his history, like other alcoholics, is to lie. Tomorrow, do I engage in conversation regarding tonight, ignore, confront? Sometimes, in the past, I would just yell and scream and be upset for days. I have gotten better at detachment but not where I need to be. I need some advice. I always feel so alone because I don't share this with many people. Thank You.
I guess I would wonder out loud..... exactly what are you confronting him about, and what is your motivation?? There are no right or wrong answers in our program - just guidance based on tried and true experiences..... I am not seeing the value in confronting him....
He has either relapsed, or he hasn't.... what are YOU gonna do?
Take care of you
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
When you said "He has always wanted to be able to drink like others" you have no idea how many times over the past 12 or so years I have heard that...."I just want to be normal" "I just want to drink like other people" Makes you want to smash their face in. I felt alone for years.....I still do......I never knew anything about alcoholics or addicts, I didn't grow up in that envirornment and yet I met my A when we were 17, and watched the progression of alcoholism and the destruction, devestation, denial and pain it brings. Don't feel alone, its the worst place to be....i know because I have felt it so many times...but I have learned that there are so many out there that struggle like us....and what helps me is now talking about it and hearing others stories. I never told anyone what was going on for over 10 plus years.....now I dont care, I'm not going to hide his problem for him anymore.
To your question....with my experience, it's like talking to a brick wall....I know this, I can tell him the end results if he picks up a drink, it won't matter, once they have made up their mind that they can drink....there's nothing anyone can do to stop it. It's so unbelievable how they suddenly believe they can drink normally. He'll just lie to you because he's lying to himself....you can certainly ask, but I'm sure you won't get the answer you want. Please post, write, blog, journal...it's theraputic. Hugs to you....
wife you've been around program...an alcoholic who is experimenting isn't sober or working the AA program. He is working "his" program. What I use to say was, "I'm going to a meeting" and then ...I'd go. Once she also went to a meeting but forgot the check book at the liquor store. They called and when she got home she had to fetch the check book alone; said she went to a chips and dip meeting at a guy members apartment. Now that one was more honest. I still said nothing and allowed her the dignity of her own choices. I started taking my life back from the disease of alcoholism. In support (((hugs)))
why cant you ask him, seeing as a marriage is supposed to be based on trust, just calmly ask him if he is experiemtning and when he says no, point out that for him to get well and stay off alcohol he must realise that he cannot be like others who drink now and then, and that if he is drinking small amounts it will gradually build back up again,
I always pointed this out to my husband that he wasnt like others, when he tried that line that he just wanted to drink like others, I always told him the truth that he had a problems with alcohol and had to see this, if you feel he is lying to you, at least you have respected yourself by pointing out to him that you know he is lying and that he is not working the programme, surely the silence will encourage him further, so at least if you put it out there, calmly and then walk away, he knows you know, and you have not been silenced while inside resenting that you knew he was lying to you and didnt say it out loud?
I would ask you as you already know he will lie...why you would bother asking him if he is drinking? Actions speak louder than words and if you believe what you see with your eyes and feel in your gut that he has been drinking than likely he has. So why look to him for validation? I only say this is because I would play this game with my son constantly...he comes home, is clearly high, I ask are you high? he says No, I say you are lying I want the truth, he continues to deny, I continue to badger until finally he comes clean and for what? I did not walk away feeling validated, I already knew the truth and all I did was increase the tension between us which would lead me into feeling so angry and leave him feeling even less self worth than he had felt before. I actually had to sit him down one day and have this conversation with him....I told him I would no longer ask him if he was high and he no longer had to lie...but because he was on probation ( and knew what drugs to take on the weekends that would be out of his system in the event he would have to drug test on monday) i told him that, that behavior was no longer acceptable in our home so I would be contacting his PO when i saw he was high to let him know we would be taking him to a shelter where he would have the dignity to make his own choices but we no longer had to enable it. And thats exactly what I did, however his PO came and got him and he was placed in jail/rehab program. He is now working on leaving the jail during the day to find work and we will find him a place to live upon his release. I know this totally differs from your story but my point is why bother asking when you have the evidence standing before you...it just isn't worth it. just my opinion Blessings
I feel really bad when he says he wants to be normal and just have a couple. Sometimes that can't happen. My XAbf admitted that he couldnt do it at all. And then added that he has to quit drinking to quit using pot. He doesn't care to try, but he understands how it works I guess.
I never wanted to know what he was doing unless it was in front of me. Only because I would get so angry and want to be in control of the situation and I couldn't. I can't make him do anything whether I know about it or not. I chose not to know.
I hope you can decide what will work best for you. I'm so sorry this is happening. It's so painful.
You asked, then immediatly shared you know it is the nature of the A to lie.
So what made you ask?
You have progressed so much, we don't get it all ever! (c: Whether he drinks or not, is not up to us. It is his life, his disease.
I learned a long time ago trust is not a part of a marriage to an A. They cannot even trust themselves! I learned to accept as is.
His using or not is not part of your program, your own personal life. He has a right to his decisions, as do you.
Myself it got so much easier to not talk about his disease, I didn't want to hear about it. He had AA, a sponsor and a strong program. Was not my business.
When I learned to completely detach from the disease, it just did not matter anymore. I knew he was sick, I knew I loved him and for a time was blessed to have him in my life. I did until the disease took him away.
When I went thru this same type of situation - I asked myself . . .
Would I believe what he told me anyway?
What good had talking, asking or discussing his drinking done in the past?
If I really wanted something different with MY LIFE I had to DO something different!!
So that's what I did -
I continued to stay firm in my program, my contact with my HP, and when the situation was right I simply stated . . .
It is apparent that recovery is not your main focus at this time, I hate that for both of us. I am no longer willing to live in a household that is not recovery oriented. Since you are the one the broke that agreement, I believe that you are the one that should leave.
He disagreed - I moved out.
And that was the beginning of the end.
But at least I learned to do something different and healthier for me.
PINK HUGS to you! Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
