very interesting post!  I would say - sit in prayer and hand your AH over to your HP.  He has one that can help him and it is not you.  We cant control others, we can only feel-deal-heal for us as individuals.  Feeling sad or pitying them, is a way to avoid us and focus on them.

Most of this post, is you telling how he thinks and feels.  You are focusing on him, and he is shifting the focus back onto you, that is how they blame us and we take that bait.  If you want to help him, then keep working a solid program of your own.

As you noticed, the A isnt really listening to what ur saying.  The definiton of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.  ...so then why tell him what ur doing, he isnt listening, he doesnt want to hear it, he says ur ignoring him by focusing on you... well ok.
  Of course he doesnt want you to change ur focus off of him, bc then u can both be sick together forever - they hate change. 
  This is part of why changning and setting boundaries can be so hard, bc we often cave in bc they are mad or we get scared and overwhelmed and we just want it to stop, to go back to that sick status quo.

If someone does not believe what ur saying, then detach from convincing them of anything.  They wont hear you, in fact they resent the healthy changes ur making.  This is why it is so critical to keep seperate programs, so you can heal from the relationship and then hopefully find a way to come together in a more healthy way.

A's are never happy, even when u do exactly as they ask - there will be another hoop to jump thru and another excuse, keep picking up the blame and nothing will ever improve. 
   Focusing on what is healthy for us, is also helthy for them.  Giving them space and dignity to solve thier own problems and issues, is the only way they will face it, bc it must be in thier own minds.  Arguing and justifying is a way to distarct you from doing something positive for you and allow u to focus on the problem and get hurt and resentful again - bc they never take oour advice either - both of us just telling the other what to do - it is miserable.

I would say share with other alanons and not ur AH, bc he wont understand your feeelings and he wont see your side of things.  Learn to take care of your own needs and then u can have a chance of getting them met.  Stop enalbing - doing anything for others that they can do (and should do) for themselves.

The A is always mad or upset, that is how they get us to jump on their feeeling, own it for them, so they can blame us for being emotionally upset and dramatic.  Let him have his anger, step way back from it -- u cant feel it and process it for him.  It only becomes a game of constant manipualtion.  You can say, ok Im sorry ur mad right now or I see u are upset - u can validate thier feeling without taking it on and rescuing them from it (bc that doesnt work anyway).  kcb it does get much easier with (constant) daily practise

Ok this is an older ladies experience.

I always had a very good girlfriend or two. But most my life was boys for friends. They were more fun.

Even as an adult men were my friends. When I married A, I realized it bothered him. I had thought nothing of it.

Especially after being widowed/celibet for so long, men were really friends. A did not have fun at the beach. I took off with a friend and had a blast.

Another guy we hiked and walked. But I found out it bothered A. So I had to tell my friends, I am married now.

I want to ad the walks etc were as a group.

Anyway his hormones are what they are, right or wrong, he is jealous. For me there are certain things we stick to when we decide to be married.

Whether we get along or not, whether the disease is raging or not, it is natural to be intimidated by our spouse seeing someone else.

I guess in my head as I have always said, we accept each other as we are, stay and live with them, or if we don't we leave.

If you honestly want this to be part of your life, and A does not like it, he can leave.
Or visa versa. OR two people can come to understandings, compromise.

Even at the very worst, A living at his hosts, I was married and had NO interest in any single man. Just ads more problems as you are seeing.

Hon he is sick. Even a non A might have problems with his wife having a male friend.

But a sick A, they just are not able to process things like a non A.

You have the right to do what you believe is best for you. If he complains he does.

Just like he does things he believes are best for him, don't some of them bug you?

If you are as you say, like room mates, maybe some new boundaries need to be made.

I am glad you are working on your program. We don't have to answer to anyone except HP.  Then to our self.

I learned compromise NOT sacrifice was so important in a relationship.

Not sure if I have said anything. Care about ya. debilyn

I'm a little confused by this thread...Clep's original post and the following suggestions ect...

I know we are to focus entirely on ourselves, and I try and try very hard and struggle with that every day, of course I struggle with that more at times when the AH has been drinking or when he is so self centred it's sickening.

However, does it not help sometimes to understand why the A behaves as he does? I would imagine so... it would help us, the Al-Anoners, to NOT take it personally...to learn from our past mistakes, and try to do better the next time around. It would help to know they are not behaving that way to hurt us, but because it is part of their sickness...

I understand the frustration of focusing on myself, feeling better, then in a way - it backfires cause A is so upset/confused/ trying to push boundaries. I try not to let this bother me of course, but it's not always easy... I know the A will push boundaries, so we just NEED to consistently keep enforcing them. Hopefully, over time, the situation gets better.

I'm newish in the Alanon program so I may be totally off base, I'm wanting to learn here...please teach me!! :) If the A was working his program, and was sober (I know this wasn't mentioned...I suppose I'm assuming) and wanted to just spend some quality time with Clep, then why is that bad? If the above are all true...then perhaps the A is a little justified in his feelings? (as opposed to whining and self pitying themselves to get a rise out of us..)

My AH has been sober for 4-5 days now, he wanted to cuddle and watch a movie on Saturday night, and we did just that...had a great time together. I feel I can still focus on myself and still enjoy my AH when the time is right.

Now, if AH asked if we could have a nice romantic evening home alone together...made plans for that, then later came home drunk wanting to still watch the movie together...I would not have done so, I would have told him I don't like being with him when he's like that .. and I would have left. I have done this several times. But, if he stays sober...and we can enjoy each other. I would like that. Does the fact that I can, from time to time, enjoy my sober AH and spend time with him mean I am not detaching?

I'm a bit confused. . .

Thanks all:)

Basically what I am seeing is that my A did not express concern about my male friend. On the contrary he has stated that I need to do what is right for myself and that if he was insecure it was due to his own personal insecurities, not due to my behavior.  This friend is my only male friend.  When my A left me the last two times my male friend and I did not get together.  We remained friends as that is what we are.  I have only seen my male friend four times in the past year since my A returned to be considerate just in case.  I see my friend with him there.  I think I have been considerate without my A even having to ask.  I am not going to miss my friends birthday though.

Thanks for that response.  I think that is a part of my frustration.  I am trying to be the spouse I would like to have.  The problem is he won't accept any of it.  It is like he has built a huge wall and is completely emotionally cut off.

I think you are right....I need to turn off my thinking.  I am a thinker by nature and I believe I often exhaust myself emotionally without anyone else in the picture at all.