The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so sorry you are in this painful place. I do believe that Honesty with SELF is always the best policy. In dealing with others DO NOT React butAct is always my best policy
Sometimes saying nothing and processsing the situation is necessary before I can " Say what I Mean, Mean what I say and Not Say It Mean".
In all this I am not guaranteed that the other person will respond as I would like .
It is all about keeping my side of the street clean
Please try to call your sponsor, go for coffee or a meeting
Have to agree with hotrod that being honest with self is very important Also being honest with others I hold dear. Being honest doesn't mean you have to be hurtful, honesty can be done constructively. I am guessing thats not what happened in your case. And if I find I can't be honest with someone then I now choose to say nothing. That was a hard lesson for me to learn as my mouth starts talking before my brain even processes what I should be saying. So I regretfully admit pre-alanon I was brutally honest about whatever was going on and always felt the need to throw in my 2 cents. Now in program I have learned to use the edit button on my mouth and if I can't say something respectfully and without hurt I keep my mouth shut. And now if someone is brutally honest with me in a hurtful manner I just imagine the word "unrecovered" on thier forehead take it with a grain of salt and consider the source. Blessings
Maybe I was not too nice. I didn't think much about it. Just said I didn't want to exchange gifts this year because last year he threw everything aside, wouldn't even open anything until I said something, and never even thanked me. He really hurt my feelings and I just cannot go through that again. So I told him.
Then he responds with his famous " I have wasted my time and money on you and have learned a valuable lesson". I just wanted to be honest because my feelings were hurt so badly. I said that we each have everything we need, so we needn't do it. I tell him that I haven't regretted a thing. Personally I have learned a lot here. Good and bad.
I feel badly that he took it like that. I am so tired of this and yet I keep exposing myself to it. He is constantly hurting my feelings. I feel like the top things that are important to him are pot and money. I know I can't compete, so why do I keep trying. He has thrown this money thing in my face for a year. I haven't asked this guy for a thing for just this reason. And I feel that if he thinks it was all a waste, then he never loved me to begin with.
So this is where you are both right. I need to be honest with myself and know that this is never going to work. I have known this for a year at least. I have been hurt so many times. And maybe I have been hurtful as well. I just need to get out. I have done the breakup so many times and I know that I am not holding my boundary on this. I always fall for the sweet talk, which only happens when we get in a fight.
I am hoping for the strength to let this go. And to quit crying about it. I am tired of hurting.
I relate to you so much. When I did my inventory, I could see that I have a tendency to stay in bad relationships waay longer than I should, for self-seeking, dishonest, and fearful reasons. When I saw that I had a part in my suffering, I knew I had to change.
As for stability? I asked the same thing you did, when will that come?!! And a fellowship friend who just celebrated 9 years in recovery told me, she doesn't know if that ever comes. She said the wind is always going to blow, we just have to set our sails... accept life on life's terms.
And that comes if we keep coming back, she said. (((hugs)))
I want to thank xeno for that wonderful ESH... to "imagine the word 'unrecovered' on their forehead"......
I love that! It is much more compassionate.... !! Thanks xeno
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Then I guess this just means I am unrecovered. I need a lot of work, and I need to do it or I will never be happy. I am just hurting so much right now. I feel I need to pay back every cent he ever gave me at the beginning. And give back everything he has ever given me. When I buy things like food for us, he wants the receipt. I guess that's funny and mean at the same time.
I can't keep it when he feels I didn't appreciate anything. It's just not true. All I ever wanted was his time and he can't give it. And why am I wasting my time going on and on about this. I need to just let it go and work on myself and forget about his problems. He needs to handle them for himself.
Thanks for the responses. It helps to know there are others out there who know what I mean.
I feel so badly for posting such lame, old stuff. Boring.
I have been in those same shoes. I remember after my A relapsed I went out and bought the most special amethyst I could find that signified inner peace. It took me a long time to find just the right one. I was seeking acceptance from him by spending all that time on the purchase, getting something so meaningful. I gave him a hug, his gift and went home. We did not live together at the time.
After that he told me he never loved me and I was just another addiction like alcohol. I was so hurt.
Looking back I realize I didn't have to take it personally. He would never have known how much I put into choosing that gift. He didn't mean to hurt me and the disease was talking, not him.
I don't think he has anything I ever got him. It's not that I or what I provide to him isn't meaningful. It's that he doesn't have a clue how to show it. Maybe he never will, but I know it is because he is sick. I also know that it so important that he give me the acceptance and love I so desire because I am sick myself. I will exchange gifts knowing I will be the only person giving, and that's okay with me because a giving person is who I want to be. My focus doesn't have to be on him and how he receives it or how he doesn't, it is on me giving to another.
Very good clep. I really liked how you put that. I myself am not ready to be so giving. I am not ready to do that.
I have to be apart right now. I just can't ruin another weekend with my kids, he always starts a fight then. It's not my fault he's angry about not being with them. It's all up to him and I don't think he can do it without help. Mind your own business, right? It's about time I started. He is now blocked. It's the only way. It hurts, but so what. I need to get back with the program and put the focus back on me. More meetings for sure. I KNOW it helps. I just have to make the commitment to myself and only myself.
I'm not even sure what to say about honesty.......because, honesty can hurt depending on what you or someone else is being honest about. Sometimes I want to know things just because and then I find out and it just is pure hell. Painfull. That stupid world of facebook.....where you can find out or see all sorts of things you dont want to see.....I blocked those things, but sometimes curiousity kills the cat...and poof...I'm there looking and putting myself in pain.
Yes....you can have stability....once you get it...hold on tight and DON'T let go!!!! I want to give up, and I would....but I can't right now...bummer, because it would be SO much easier.
It sounds as if you have been feeling (rightly) resentful ever since last year. But keeping it in all this time. So the unexpressed resentment builds up, and it's apparent when we finally let it out. So I'm guessing he sensed the anger behind your statement, even if you didn't phrase it angrily. (I'm not saying you were wrong to be angry -- I'd be angry too.) I'm still working out how to express anger the right way, not keeping it in, but not letting it rampage all over things.
I just remember also that when relationships go bad, often a "no-talk" policy develops. You can only talk about the trivial unimportant stuff, or the other person comes down on you like a ton of bricks. So I guess the way I see it, honesty IS the best policy, but you have to be braced for the fact that if you break the "no-talk" rule, the other person will try like heck to get you to take it all back and shut up again.
It's a tough one. I'm reading others' comments with great interest, since this is such a challenge for me.
