Taking that 9th step - Al-Anon Family Group

DrownTheEgo · Newbie

Taking that 9th step

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

It is my understanding that the 9th step is about making amends, except when to do so would be harmful.

I do not make amends to those I have wronged when I know it would be hurtful to them. If it comes back at me later, I will need to accept and process any consequences.

Perhaps others will share their perspectives.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

"I'm afraid that by telling them the exact nature of those wrongs and those lies that I will hurt them more... " -drown the ego

The 9th step clearly states, to not do so if it will create more damage, so why would you even consider unloading your - guilty conscience - when u already know it will "hurt them more".

From my experience, most of what we fight about is, irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, so why would you want to cause more damage in the guise of being - honest.
Yes, we are to be brutally honest with ourselves and our HP/god - we are to be considerate and kind to each other. I use the acronym THINK often - is what I am going to say - Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary & Kind? bc if it isnt all five, then it doesnt need to be said. Keep it with other members in program, others who do understand.

I think you can be vague and still apologize without sharing these gory details, why? to rub their faces in it even more -or- bc u still are in need of forgiveness? There is an expression - it is easier to ask for permission, then forgiveness. Forgiveness is direct from HP after all, it takes an act of the divine. Since this is such a tall order, I would suggest that you work to release and surrender this truth and ask HP to show you how to forgive yourself for it.

It would be entirely different if someone came to you, begging to know every detail of how and what happened - but even then, the truth can hurt immensely and be catastrophic. If you know it will cause harm, then it is not aligned with step 9. Please find a sponsor in which you can work these steps with and have guidance along the way and that can mentor you in program ~ none of us can do it alone. Dont unload residual & unresolved guilt on an "innocent bystander". Feel-deal-heal it for you. Be kind to others. Those we have already hurt, dont need salt in the wounds. I do think it is okay to say, 'I hope one day you will forgive me'.

I would say to seriously look at your deepest motivation for why you wanted to tell them this in the first place. And for sure, when you do share with this person(s), ask/pray that HP/god speaks through you and it is for the highest and greatest good for all involved.

Perhaps a good exercise at this time, would be to go to the individuals and ask them how (they perceive/d that) you did already hurt them and listen with an open mind and heart and see how they already see their hurts (in reference to you). Ask them how they feel and then apologize for any pain you caused them - maybe you will learn something there. Good luck to you and if you align and allow HP, it is more likely going to be a healing a experience/opportunity for growth for all involved and not merely your side of things.

-- Edited by kitty on Saturday 4th of December 2010 09:42:55 AM

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I like your sign on Drown...I also like what was responded to you cause that part of
the 9th step was soooo important to me. The 9th as I was raised in Al-Anon was
not to be attempted if others would be hurt from it.   Wanting to do it because it
will confirm you're working the program suggest that your ego may need to be held
under water a bit longer. Some of my amends were non-specific such as "I've lied
to you in the past"...without mentioning what specifically it was I lied about. The
specifics for me look like those little bent nails at the end of a cat-o-nine tails which
tear flesh when you flog another person (ugly picture...ugly). What's your HP say
about what you're planning to do and how?   What's your sponsor say about it?
Unless I've read your post crooked, I suggest you take more time and look at
it from many different angles to get a "best" perspective.   (((((hugs))))) smile

Thanks for trusting us with your program.

tlcate · Senior Member

I highly recommend talking to your sponsor about it at length.

Here are a few from my experience that my sponsor helped me work out.

My ex husband. Until I did my inventory I was not even aware I owed him an apology. In my book it was all his fault

. Ends up I held a LOT of responsibility in the demise of our marriage. I did not make a plan for that amends. I called him and simply said "I am so very sorry. I didn't see it." In addition - without any planning - on the spot I thanked him for what he did do and how much he loved me. It was by far one of the most honest, wonderful moments of my life. We did not go into specific details of our past and it was not necessary to do so. We both knew instinctively that would have been painful and unnecessary.

Another person I would have sworn I owed an amends. She hated me so much. My sponsor and I discussed our relationship in detail and we both decided that I had actually done nothing wrong. Her feelings towards me were hers to own and I had not earned them.

The last example was a romantic relationship, and while I did owe an amends for bad behavior, we both decided that it would be very detrimental to ME to introduce myself back into that toxic relationship at any level. I would have to make a living amends - and learn how to not behave like that anymore.

I would have never gotten to these results without thoroughly discussing each case, and many others, with my sponsor.

Congratulations on becoming willing to make amends.

Tricia

-- Edited by tlcate on Saturday 4th of December 2010 02:29:23 AM

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I love the idea of a "living amends." Quite a challenge because you don't get to do it once and then have it be over with. But inspiring.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

ahh tlcate- the "living amends" -- I have definetely had to do some of those too... I had not heard that term before however~ cool! I have referred to it as a 'spiritual or remote' amends, done in your heart with HP.

It is a fair point to say ~ that healing happens in God's time & just bc maybe we are now at peace at rectifying & coming to terms with what we had/have done in our own lives... others may be dealing with things we arent even aware of - and over the same events. That is how perception works, you think it is all about you and you dont know how it hurt the other ppl involved, until you ask them. And even then, us martyrs (lol) tend to soften the blow, bc we dont want to hurt others either.

Forgiveness is by far the most powerful spiritual tool available to us. Forgiveness has given me - total liberation from the past and from many accutely painful experiences. Today those people are not a part of the pain, they are part of my transendence. It has the power to completely transform us.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Drown the Ego

Great Shares and topic. For me the 9th step means much more than just owning my stuff and saying I am sorry. Before working the steps and program I was very adept at using the words "I am Sorry" all the time. I really was not sorry and many times I had done nothing wrong It just made the situation go aay and I could continue to do the destructive behaviour.

For me, the 9th Step means Owning my behavior and saying what I am doing. or have done to change it.

It is ongoing I must change my negative behavior not only to that person but in my continuing interactions with the world.

I monitor myself constantly and do a 10th step when I find I have slipped back to old behavior.
This program is a miracle for me

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

I believe it says ammends should be made except in the case where it would cause harm or hurt to the other person.
If you feel this is going to happen maybe you can write your ammends down then discard it.
I have waited for so long for people to make thier ammends to me, it was really starting to piss me off if you know what I mean.
Then it hit me that ammends come in many ways
In my case it was watching the program work for the A's in my life and watching them change thier behaviors little by little to make themselves better people. And the fact that they were finally there for me emotionally.
I have many ammends to make myself most I plan on doing in writing...but if it for a person I have wronged and no longer have contact with then all I can do is be the best person I can be ( if that makes sense ).
Blessings

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