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The insane scary death like binge has ended for the A and while I know he's actively drinking and trying to hold it together this time by just drinking beer, his mind is not stable. The actions he's taken and things he's done and the leaving our home without saying goodbye to any of us, not acknowledging one of our kids birthdays and dropping the bomb shell of not coming back and not accepting he has a problem, and moving back into a place that i know is toxic for him, and also far away......I DO NOT feel he is stable to be around our kids. He really scared them this time, he was sober, made promises, told them all sorts of things they believed and then he fell off the deep end and they witnessed such craziness and then his disappearance with no explanation at all.....
Now he's communicating through a friend of mine bcuz for my sanity I need to have NO contact with him...(unless he is in treatment) He now suddenly wants to talk to the kids and explain things. There truly is NO explanation. He is very sick. I've talked to them and told them the things they need to know, that he has a serious disease, that the decisions hes making and the things he's been doing are because of that and in no way are because of them, that he loves them very much, but he needs to get some help. I was told by a recovery of 26 years to get a no contact order against him that i need to protect these kids from him right now as he's in no state of mind to be around them let alone try to convince them of his actions. I hate to have to do this, but I'm fearful for him to come around and talk to them, he's brainwashed himself pretty bad.
What are thoughts on this? Am i being mean or crazy to not let him talk to them right now? Or am I doing the right thing, by trying to have peace in our home and protect them from his sick mind? Obviously this won't be forever, but at least for now, he definately has wetbrain at this point. There is nothing he says that has any rational to it whatsoever..... :(
As in my last post to you it would be helpful like I said to take the focus off of him. He is not in the house and you dont want to project anything he might do. Right now all he is doing is bingeing and they say a lot of things. Wy are you still communicating with his friend.Doesnt sound like your husband is in any condition to walk or get to your home.
I know its overwhelming but going about your daily activities, going to a face to face meeting, as many as you can would be the good choice here. Keep coming back to the board and read the experiences and reading your Alanon and try to connect to your HP as much as possible.
Well, thats the thing Bettina, he's no longer on that crazy binge anymore...now he's just mentally ill and probably drinking, just not binging, just not thinking straight or doing anything that makes any sense. He can drive now I'm sure and function somewhat normal, but because he has not sought treatment, who knows if he'll binge any moment? I can't take that risk!! I'm trying to concentrate on me, but I'm afraid of what he's going to try to do because he seems desperate to explain his crazy actions to the children.
Like I said , take the actions to protect you and the children, but try not to project or guess what he is going to do. My experience with Alcoholics is that they just talk and are usually too drunk to carry anything thru.
Seeking treatment would be great for him. I know it would make you feel better for a few days. I use to think that was the answer to the alcoholic problem. The XA went to many treatment centers and lots of others have experienced the relapses of this disease.
I find that I needed to find solutions for more long term as this disease is long term. I know we need to make decisions for our lives sometimes that require a response at that moment. You will know what to do, trust yourself and your higher power.
Probably not what you want to hear but unless he has done something physical towards you or the children or you have him on tape threatning him or in writing it maybe unlikely you will recieve a protective order...i only say this from my sisters experience with her exh He really doesn't sound like he is in any shape to be tracking you down and harrasing you (I could be wrong) Protecting your children is of the utmost importance and talking with him at this point will do more harm than good. If his friend calls again I would suggest that he can have contact with the children through writing ( which he is unlikely to do) this will at least give him an option of staying in touch with the kids. That being said if he does happen to send a letter, I would read it b4 giving it to the children to make sure there is nothing hurtful in it. Right now i would put your total focus on your children and your own recovery. Every moment you spend worrying about what he may or may not do you once again lose yourself in his disease. Sorry you are going through this and I truly hope the children are old enough to grasp the concept of thier father having a disease that has nothing to do with them. But a disease that takes him away from them both physically and emotionally. Blessings
The insanity of the disease can effect our sanity and make us question decisions we know are in our the best interest. The disease clouds and distorts our thinking.
Take yourself out of the "bubble" that the disease has wrapped around you. Read your post as if someone else posted it. You might suggest that they turn their Alcoholic over to their Higher Power and put all the focus on themselves and their children.
Do the next right thing for you and your children. Don't question yourself. HP has experience dealing with the alcoholics insanity. You deserve peace of mind and senerity. Putting 100% of the fouus on yourself and not on the alcoholic in your life is your ticket.
You set a boundary of no direct contact with you A. Indirect contact is a way for him to accomplish the same results. You are in control, do what is right for you, and always take care of yourself first.
It sounds as if it would be risky to leave the kids with him, or him with the kids alone. Of course protecting them from physical danger (like being in a car while he's driving drunk) is a top priority.
It sounds as if what he wants to do right now is talk to the kids and maybe defend himself or apologize. No doubt he still has his distorted-alcoholic view of things. To my mind, though, it's risky to be the gatekeeper that says that a parent shouldn't have contact with their kids, as long as the kids are in no physical danger. Kids long for their parents and love them, even when the other parent has lost all patience. To keep the kids and their dad apart kind of escalates the intensity of things, and might be effectively punishing the kids. I guess one question to think over might be, "What is my motivation?" So often I've made a decision that seemed so rational on the surface, but really I was deciding out of anger and a desire to punish my A. You'll want to be sure that your justifiable anger towards your A isn't taking over your decision-making.
The ultimate question would probably be: assuming your A keeps on drinking (which statistically is likely), how could the kids have a relatively safe and calm relationship with their dad? What would that look like? Whatever that would look like, that might be your plan for the future.
The remaining kids at home are 16, 12 and 8. He scared them this past time when he showed up banging on the door screaming and wailing. I have many pictures of him in the state he was in this past month. He was standing in our driveway urinating, he was laying naked on the floor with blood all over his face and feces smeared everywhere, there are several police reports of him being picked up. I'm just asking for peace to get through this time and these holidays, my oldest son is coming home for two weeks, we want to enjoy his visit without any distractions of someone trying to justify their behavior and control the situation. His actions are sickening and have violently turned direction in the past week and a half. I don't want to punish him, I want to help him, and as they say, turning your back is what you can do to help them sometimes. It was my counselor who is a recovering alcoholic who suggested I protect the kids right now, mostly the younger ones, (youngest) the others want nothing to do with him at this point.
#1 Rule: Protect your children in whatever means necessary.
Take care of you and your children. You are not responsible for your A. As hard as it sounds, he needs to be responsible for himself.
During my AH's last "bout" he was in a "black out" for a week and NOBODY knew it! My AH has absolutely NO idea of what he did or said for a week..... scary....
Mine after 2 months sobriety this past tues. dropped me off at work and never picked me up have not heard since I know too well about black out he is in one at the mement somewhere in a hotel like he has done it in the past it is scary beleive me but I am amazed that I can still go about my business and dont let it get to me I have to for my peice of mind.
I agree with what the post above said about it being momentous to be the one to not allow a parent to have any contact with their child. And I also agree you have to protect your children.
Certainly, I would want any communication or visit to be supervised and in a controlled environment. If I had a 16 year old, I would ask her/him first if they wanted to see or talk to their dad at all before forcing them to listen to his carp. The 12 and 8 year old might not be capable of making that decision and to require them to might only increase their anxiety/guilt. So if I were going to allow contact, it would be supervised, for a brief pre-ordained amount of time and in a controlled environment and certainly not in my home.
What I found with the ex A was that he was always trying to hook me back into his chaos. After I left him I eventually had to take what was his dog from him. Next minute he is calling up and saying he needs to see them. At one point he came to pick the dog up and believe me he didn't put up much of a fuss when I said I would keep her some more as he still wasn't situated.
The issue for me was always not to over react. Sometimes there are times to be really super boundaried and say you are not crossing this line. I have that one all the time since I live around alcoholics. Set up those boundaries and watch them. The issue for me is always so clear, set my boundaries, back off.
Needless to say the ex A stopped calling about his "dog". He never was calling about her he was always calling as a way to hook me back into his chaos.
maresie.
PS It took a couple of years but his dog is now in pretty good shape. When she wakes up in the morning she has none of the anxiety in her eyes she used to have. She knows when she will get fed. She knows she is safe and there will be no turmoil around her.
"we" as adults are upset and frustrated by what they say, what they do. Children need to be protected from a very sick person.
Dad cannot think correctly right now, he is too ill. It would mix them up, make them feel guilty. They might feel it is up to them to take care of him!
I got a restraining order and the A stayed away for 10 + years.
My kids grew into better people not having anything to do with him. It is hard enough being a single mom with out ANY influence by a sick A.
I was there hon. I loved my A too, very much. But my babies came first. For that matter so did I.
Mine were around 7- 8 years old.
You would not allow them around anyone else who is living the life he is. Being their father makes it even worse.
I never put my A down to them. never. If he was brought up it was all very truthful and kind.
Neither ever want anything to do with him, especially after my marrying him in 99 and you guys know the rest.
I have A's I love, but would NEVER marry one again. never.
anyway glad to see you here so much!! Working the program. We are here for you.
love,debilyn btw, I took my kids on tons of week end day trips, it really enriched our lives. Not real expensive, but so much fun. fish hatcheries, mountain hikes, swimming, rafting, drives, ice cream, parties with friends. They need lots of LIGHT in their lives, you too! Fun ages you have there! Wish I were their gma!
I took my A to court when we split to remove his parental access so I could take our son to a psychologist. Where I live parental consent is required by both parents and he would not provide his consent. Our son was trying to commit suicide on several occasions and I was not about to play around with that.
My lawyer as well as any lawyer said that one cannot stop a parent from seeing their children even if they are addicted and abusive. The courts will suggest the children be supervised. I was destroyed by that because having the children deal with the broken promises and having the A in and out of their lives is absolutely devastating. The courts did say that if my A did not attend the supervised sessions I would be able to take it back to court to have his parenting time revoked. My A ended up signing the paperwork as he was well aware that I would die to ensure our son's safety and emotional well being. He still has no parental rights and I am grateful for that.
Looking back, if I didn't have to get our son into immediate psychologist appts I would have ignored my A. I am confident he would not have tried to take me to court. I would not have allowed him to see our son willingly under the circumstances.
If any of you have not been following my story over the year(s) we did get divorced, it was final this past Feb. All year until Nov he was allowed only Weds for dinner and Saturdays from 10-3. If by November he had no alcohol related incidences, he would be able to have them every other weekend, if there were alcohol related incidences, the visitation would remain the same. Well, now he has 4-5 police reports, 7 hospital visits, and I have lots of very horrifying scary pictures of his actions and his blackouts. We got back together this summer, he was sober....he was the man I love, the one the kids love. He relapsed so hard, and it about killed him. He was hiding drinking in front of the kids, and I knew I could not do this to them. I told him to choose sobriety again, or alcohol, but that he CANNOT drink around our kids or in our home. He chose alcohol and left. Should he choose treatment, then I support him 100%, as will our children. In the mean time, he's self destructing and back in the environment he was while we were split up, which means drinking every night....not binging...but drinking .....which means one never knows when that next binge will start again....which means, I have to protect my kids until he can make better choices. His choice, not mine.
-- Edited by sdisnie on Saturday 4th of December 2010 12:11:28 PM
(((sdisnie))) hun, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I have been following your story...just haven't commented yet as I felt more experienced members would be able to offer more. But, I have been thinking of you:)
I do not think you are being crazy at all!! Not in the least. You are doing what needs to be done, as hard as it is.
It's so unfortunate that sometimes we feel so bad for the A, want them to get better so badly, that we second guess what we know is the right thing. This is part of our sickness.
My AH drove drunk with my daughter and passed out at home one day so when she walked home from school (she's 11) she couldn't get in the house. It's cold/winter here where I live. I set more boundaries: He cannot ever drive with her in the car, or be home alone with her - she will go to my parents or daycare or a friends after school as he cannot be trusted to be responsible. He was upset, sad, felt horrible, lied, made excuses and promises ect.. I'm sure you all know exactly what I'm talking about.
I KNOW this is the right thing to do - I'm protecting my daughter. But, for some messed up reason, I still feel bad!!!?? For him!?? WHY? To me, this just confirmed the sickness I have, as a result of his alcoholism, or all along brought to light by his alcoholism, his lies, self pity, excuses, broken promises...and my ever creeping back denial that I struggles with daily to keep at bay.
Stay strong and continue to do what you know is best for yourself, and your kids. I'll be thinking of you...
I believe you are completely within your soundness of mind to refrain your children from having to interact with him. Do as you are, one day at a time. I really like the excellent road trip suggestions as well. Praying for all of your continued provision and Peace, the best gift of this season.
