The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been working my program consistently. I realized the other night when my A and I were talking that it doesn't matter how I talk he is angry. I can be accusing, angry, gentle, not accusing, patient, etc. No matter how I talk he is upset about the "way" I am talking, or what I am saying. The tactic of shifting the focus from the issue at hand to one that is created as a diversion.
I realized that if we are speaking of anything that is of any intimacy at all he is angry. We have a relationship where we can only speak about the weather etc. Things I would talk with my bank clerk about or the supermarket cashier.
I realized I have been trying to talk about what people would discuss in a relationship because I am in one and that makes sense to me and that isn't going to work.
When I realized that things changed. I quit trying to discuss anything other than the weather. We are not fighting, we are not talking and I have realized we have the same relationship as we have with the man we rent a room to. Nonexistent.
I have accepted this as I cannot make him talk about things, be interested in the bills, me or our relationship, but I am sad about it.
Figured I should share this here as sharing it with him is futile, and I just had to get it out somewhere.
Your post saddened me but I guess I would ask, is it better than the fights, the attempts to connect that are rebuffed, the futile efforts to relate? If so, be glad of that. And also think, if it is better now, it will continue to improve.
I couldn't tell whether your A is in recovery. If he is, I can relate. My AH is in recovery, and we seem to be growing closer. But then I raise an emotional topic or something that requires him to have introspection, and he shuts down. He did that the other night when we were at a wonderful romantic dinner. It saddened me.
We just can't connect the way I want to yet. He is still too emotionally immature. The alcohol stunts their emotional growth. While we are growing and maturing, as long as they are drinking, they are not.
Whether your A is active or recovering, though, you have changed your mindset to one of acceptance -- Congrats! Continue to work on you, go to Al Anon meetings, do activities you enjoy, make friends with whom you can talk about more than the weather. Don't go to the butcher's to buy bread.
-- Edited by Cloudsea on Friday 3rd of December 2010 08:49:30 AM
Thanks. He is in recovery. It is better than the fighting, especially for our son. My A seems to really be struggling even with his program.
I struggle right now if I am not living a program and I mean living it. I have to do my daily reading upon going to bed, listen to Al-anon speakers on my iphone while preparing for work, reading multiple times through the day, lots at night, before bed and then do it all over again. I wish my home group meeting was every night. :) I have started my Paths to Recovery book again and have four pages written on my step 1. I am excited to get to my step four and see how it differs from my last one.
Between Al-anon, service work, my friends and business I am pretty busy which is good for me.
I feel so sad that nurturing my relationship which is second nature to me, I have to hold back from. Maybe in the future things will improve.
Clep your doing it, Maybe as you progress you wont have to hold back your feelings for your husband. That you can still show them. Its a hard line we have follow, its called the fine art of detachment. It doesnt come easy, but it will come.
I know I had a lot of anger in the beginning and that fogged up my thinking. There are some things I would have done differently. Its so hard when sometimes they are pushing your buttons. Married 26 years and yes many of those years I took to my bedroom, it was my sanctuary and yes we were roomates but it was better than the drama and the futility of fighting with an alcoholic. It was a resting point where I could think clearly and make decisions about my future and what I wanted my life to be.
The future is ours and it cant help but improve...Luv, Bettina
I can't think of a more emotionally unavailble person than an A. They just do not have the skills do deal with anything more personal than the weather. So your post doesn't surpise me it just saddens me. When I first started the program and old timer told me this......... Talking with an A is like talking to a stop sign And its true when i try to talk with my son now about anything remotely deep I just picture the words STOP on his forehead. Because prior to his recent recovery efforts it was just futile trying to have a coversation. even when he was sober because and active A even when sober is only thinking of the next drink or the next high. So I can't expect anything more from him than a usless conversation. I know how lonely and frustrating it is with my son, I can't imagaine how it would be with my husband. Well I know it would be an incredibly loney existance. I am sorry you are going thru this Blessings
i felt like this many a time with the ex A. I know personally my life was full of over reaction, enmeshment, boundary violations and merging. I did not know where I began and others ended.
Boundaries are kind of hard to both do and have and honor other's boundaries.
I generally in my boundaryless state felt that if someone was not available 24/7 they were not committed to the relationship.
I know certainly the quality of the relationships I had were related to my own self esteems. As i began to honor, cherish and be willing to have boundaries, my sense of self changed. I stopped wanting someone around to make me feel a certain way. I started taking total responsibility for my life. I went from ultra dependent to independent. I went from craving care to giving it to myself. I also went from expecting any active alcoholic to be capable of an intimate relationship (not that I had one as I was always completely enmeshed).
I do feel lonely for my relationship, but not lonely in other areas of my life. I am pretty fortunate actually. Before starting al-anon I was on a four year journey of self discovery through the library of self help books I ended up going through. I learned so very much about myself and that makes my al-anon program so much easier to grasp.
I haven't dealt with co-dependency or dependency on my A since the first time he left me. I haven't had issues with setting reasonable boundaries or caring for myself. I was not an enabler. Through my program now I at times feel like an enabler and that is hard to deal with.
I am a person who, if on my own, does very well in my personal life. It is when active alcoholism and the insanity that goes with it is in my life I start to lose myself. The first time my A left me I was a wreck and decided never to be like that again. I started my self help journey. I had no idea he was an alcoholic then as he drank very little so my self help way seemed to be the way to go.
I became a person I want to be and am happy within myself. I am emotionally and financially secure. The second and third time he left me was due to my boundaries and my unwillingness to enable. There was also that controlling factor too as I was full of pride.
The only time I feel like I don't completely have it together is when my A is in my life. None of the self help books I have aid in dealing with the insanity of alcoholism hence my al-anon program.
I find it so hard sometimes not to just tell him to get out. My life would not be altered in the slightest except I would have to find someone else to drive our son to school. My son's whole life would be altered though, so I try, read and listen to the esh I hear here and go to my meetings. Spiritually I have a long way to go as self help stuff is not spiritual. It is exciting to be on this spiritual road as I truly feel complete. Now just to learn more about dealing with my A and maintaining this. Arggg. It's lots of work.
Well it's okay and I am feeling a little better now. I have a birthday to attend tonight, a morning outing with a friend, al-anon phone lines after that and then some time with our son. Volunteering at my church in the morning and then time with my son. In between all of that I can fit in reading and growing in my program.
I really have it pretty good. I just miss my relationship that I had when he returned before he started his slow road back to the bottle. At least he caught himself.
