The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There are some people who are not involved in our lives (my life), or have any idea about addiciton or what it's like to love an addict, and I wish those people would stay out of my life. Let it be, let it go, let me be. I will always love my AH.......ALWAYS, nothing can change that, I know that he is sick, I have accepted it. It's in my nature to always hold out hope, whether it happens or not...I want to do my thing, be around the people who understand me, know me, love me and support me.
There is a simple solution to this problem , dont tell them whats going on in your life , talk to people who do understand go to f2f meetings and find a sponsor , someone u can trust . Al-Anons get it they dont tell you to leave or to stop crying or to get over it they just listen , they understand exactly how you feel and share thier own experiences with you . No one ever gives you adivice except to keep commin back . You will find the acceptance your seeking in our meeting rooms * hugs* Louise \ When anyone asked what or how my husb was doing I learned to say ,why don't you ask him next time you see him , end of conversation ..
-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 2nd of December 2010 01:57:40 AM
I agree with the stellar ESH of our (( abbyal )). When "well meaning" family members and friends give us thier unsolicited advice - it is never appreciated and they dont like it either. I set boundaries for myself that helped me along the way - boundaries such as, certain people I avoid specific topics with. If someone demands a question of me - since the deamnd would usually get me fearful or whatver, and then spill spill all - with diaherria of the mouth. Others dont know what we go through and they dont know how it is to be with - esp an alcoholic- bc people say, "oh its just alcohol, whats the big deal with it, it isnt heroin or anything" -- well they dont know. It is just like we are speaking another language that they do not understand.
Early on in my program many of the slogans and acronyms helped me - like JADE and THINK... JADE is (do not) Jusitfy, Argue, Defend or Explain yourself to other people. It is ok and we are allowed to have - a private life and private thoughts, that are only for us. This was news to me! and it helped me to see how much I reach out, to state my "victim" and sympathy case, to get compassion or attetnion or whatver from others - bc it sure was not understadning - no, that I only ever found in the rooms with those who live through it. THINK = (is what I am going to say ) Thoughtful, Honest, Intelligent, Necessary & Kind? bc if it isnt, I do not need to share that with them - (I may need to vent it out with a sponsor or write it down, to get it out of me and on paper - getting these things out if vital or they fester -) do be conscientious of where and with whom you get/let these things out on/around. Bc u are right, your business is YOUR business.
I am going to throw this out there lol but this has helped me immensely to understand how and where I attempt to control others -- stop asking (leading) questions of others. I just had to stop asking questions altogether -bc- it was a guise for me to be mothering, smothering, controlling, directing, micro-managing and manipulating. If I do not want to be manipualted, then I had to stop manipulating back and being manipulate-able. This is what I tell my sponsees - no inititating contact and dont ask questions, when someone wants to share with you, nothing will stop them from it! You dont ahve to monitor everything and by dis engaging from the questions - it is the fastest way for you to see all the opportunities we create for ourselves in which we can go back to that same old dynamic and give all of our power away.
You dont have to get all people out of your life, you can boundary them all out. I sure did boundary out everyone that was not a true friend - boundaires allowed me to see who was there for me, (willing to accept a boundary and respect me for it) and those that did not listen and did not care about my feelings. It had to start with me, I had to care about my feelings and not share an vulnerable aspect of my life with those that do not understand or accept me as I am. If a "friend" was trying to change me, I boundaried or weeded them out. As far as family members that did not resepct me, then I would resepct me harder, by detaching from thier opinion of my choice/s. Now that I am stronger in program and in myself - I dont get upset, I simply say, 'you can love me and not agree with my choices, ur not my parent and I dont need your approval - so detach from it and let it go or I will have to not share or come around. See, the funny thing about a boundary - it does not have to be an ultimatum - or severe- it can be something as subtle and delicate as -- when you attack me, I will leave (not that I will never see or talk to you again -bc I dont have to sabotage (another way we control) a relationship - I can act in the moment of now - I can take each day as it comes and see/monitor how I am feeling in that moment -- so I can say, I will leave if I get emtoinally attacked - and then each time, remove yourself (that is what I did initially, I would go home and take time out for me and not deal with thier attacks) - eventually i didnt get upst anymore - eventually I had more faith and love for me and I no longer believed what they were telling me about myself. See everyone has an opinion, it is a dime a dozen. Healthy people who like you and who like and resepct themselves, they do have boundaries - and they can accept you as you are. Those people are out there and as you get healthier and weed out negative people and learn to folow your boundaries and take care of you- you will find more positive and healthy friends, you will see. keep practising on detaching from what they think or say - it is none of your business and practise saying either "No" very politiely - or I do the old, 'I will consider that' - 'u may have a point' or 'u may be right' - it doesnt matter, u can acknowedlge thier point and then let it go. You have to discover what is right for you - everyone will have an opinion, most of what we think and want is so irrelevant in the grand scheme of things anyway -- find meaning for you and live your best life - take no prisoners!
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
I agree and that's what I'm doing......I just had found out that someone has been trying to nose into my life, reading my posts and telling others about it.....and they have no reason whatsoever to be on the Alanon board....
-- Edited by sdisnie on Thursday 2nd of December 2010 08:36:31 AM
learning how to do this too! Kitty and abbyal are so right. I am the queen fo telling everyone my stuff...like I owe the world or something. Then..i get resentful that they are in my bsiness...but i GAVE them my business.!
Day two of "trying not to JADE... justify argue defend explain.
when I find myself doing that...it's TOO MUCH information.
Alanon folks listen...
Kcb..and I wil too :)
-- Edited by rainbojo66 on Thursday 2nd of December 2010 08:46:56 AM
I also must whole heartedly agree with abby Our son is an addict and when I got out of denial and started talking about it I got more unsolicited advice than i needed or wanted. For people who do not deal with this disease they see the solution as perfectly easy....leave them....throw them out ect And heaven forbid you don't take thier advice then it is " well you get what you deserve if you don't do______(fill in the blank)" I love my son and hate his disease. I have learned that I cannot expect support or understanding from people who have not walked in our shoes. So now I only share my feelings with other alanoners or those who understand what I am going through. If they ask I will give them the bare minimum of my son's journey right now 1. because they just don't get it and 2. It is not my job to put my sons addiction out there for the world to know. Now if I get unsolicited advice I simply say thank you and change the subject. I believe people mean well, but they see you hurting and in thier own way are trying to give you what they believe to be solutions. So I don't get angry or resentful anymore. Blessings
"Anonymity" that's the word I was thinking about...I find it in the rooms of Al-Anon and with the fellowship and rarely anywhere else. I have used Abbyal's response of, "when you see her next...ask her" a time or two in the past. It's a form of a detachment tool.
Glad you brought the vent to family. (((((hugs)))))
People who go to the trouble of reading your posts (who dont have a reason to be here ) on this board are little people who have no life of thier own ignore them they arent important in the grand scale of things .
I had my A reading my posts. Initially I was very angry and spouted off to myself about how he isn't working his own program but is working mine. I then got off this site to do what I would usually do with someone that has behaviors that are upsetting to me. I pray for them. It's hard for me to be angry with someone when I am praying for them.
If they are reading your posts, they are in just the right place from the way I see it. If they are going to get a clue as to what it is like to live with an A here it is in black and white.
This was an interesting point in my recovery. My exA was and may still be reading my posts AND he told others about it and broke my anonymity. Funny, because one of the people he told was someone he was dating and she got on here and posted something very similar to what I was saying about his behaviors. That had me rolling. And of course he told me about that and broke her anonymity as well. . . it it was all her fault. LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
So be it. All of that is his to own, not mine.
At that point it became necessary, thank goodness, to really start to keep my side of the street clean. Now I fail and take a whack at him once in a while, it is hard not to, but for the most part I really try to focus on me, be honest about myself, help others, and share my ES&H. It moved me from the bitter, lashing out person to actually working on my recovery. It was God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself. I needed a governor on my anger. I had to deal with it and stop letting it effect my actions. Now, if I am honest it is ok. If I am not hurtful it is ok. And that is recovery! Learning compassion and honesty! I make sure that I share my life, what has happened, even some of his behaviors and my reactions and how I have used recovery to improve my life and try my hardest to do it in a way that it doesn't matter who reads it.
I remember your posts. Your compassion, caring, and love for the alcoholic in your life and the pain it is causing you. I see nothing there that is lashing out or hurtful and it is honest and loving. You are doing MUCH better than I have done and still do at times.
It is the Internet. ANYONE can read this. I always keep that in mind. Beyond that, what they think of me is none of my business.
tlc
-- Edited by tlcate on Thursday 2nd of December 2010 09:27:20 PM
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
