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Well.....there will be no intervention, there will be nothing. He is sick, his addiction has taken him over and he has specifically chosen his addiction over his family.
The kids even told him a week ago......Pick your family or pick alcohol. He made his choice when he finally came out of hiding this morning and over and over would only say "I'm happy where I'm at, I'm where I need to be" It's all he would say over and over and over again, so there you go. There's no more waiting, no more worrying, no more wondering, he made his choice, so now I do what I have to do to protect myself and my kids. NO contact, he is beyond sick, his mind is gone, he has died. I will keep going to my meetings and hope to find more than the one every Friday and I will keep reading posts on here and I will get through December and my oldest coming home to visit, we will forget him, have no contact with him (unless by a miracle he goes to treatment!) I will get by and make some big decisions in January. I know in my heart that it's not him saying these crazy things....it's the alcohol speaking. He's gone.
I have come to learn the A will always choose the substance over anything else. My exHA chose drugs and alcohol over me, our 20 year marriage, our daughter, his job, ... etc.
I didn't have alanon and I didn't realize that ultimatums do not work, just as begging and pleading did not work.
For myself, going no contact helps me detach when detaching would otherwise be too painful. When my daughter goes no contact with her dad, I understand, but also feel badly that she does not have the love and supportive relationship with her dad as every child deserves.
I think my exHA is sick too. The longer I am in alanon, the more I am aware of how this affected me and our daughter and caused us to have sickness as well. It frightens me to realize that my pain reflects the magnitude of my sickness; and I now think that the principles of alanon and my HP can help me heal.
One day at a time. Take care of you and your children.
Dear Shanda, It is not a CHOICE he is making. Alcoholic drinking reaches a point when it is beyond choice, it is a sad necessity.
It is a fatal disease affecting the mind, body, and spirit. It is nothing personal he is choosing over you. Would a sane person ever choose this?!!
You are absolutely right... it is the disease talking. I am so sad because he has lost his way. I've been there too.
But there is a Power greater than the disease of alcoholism who works miracles every single day. Please keep the lines of communication open with this power, even if the best you can do today is curse your powerlessness. I can promise you, your HP can take it, your HP understands. Just don't stop talking to Him. ((((((hugs))))))
If you would PM his name to me, I will add him and your dear family to my prayers.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I'm so sorry. Loving an alcoholic is one of the hardest things that I have done. Your AH isn't CHOOSING alcohol over you and your family. He has NO choice. My AH told me (after he came home from rehab) that every drink he swallowed, was full of self loathing, shame, humiliation, and disgust. I can't imagine feeling that powerful about anything and readily continue to do it to myself over and over. Alcoholism is a horrible disease that strips all control and self worth from the addicted. My AH has gone through 4 rehabs and until the 4th time, he just hadn't gotten "it." I gues he just wasn't ready until this last time. Once again, I'm sorry. Take care of you and know that we are here for you. Peace.
One minute I'm ok, because now I know, it's purely alcohol driven, has nothing to do with me or our kids/family. Nobody in their right mind would serioulsy just leave their family and believe they are happier far away where they can drink. Not after they were so happy with sobriety, expressed that to everyone, and said very specific things. But the next minute, I'll have a complete break down. The heartache is seriously unbearable at moments and I look at his recent loving texts to me, or recent pics of us happy together and it's such a devestating loss, I don't feel I can go on. And you know what's really sick? Is that in the back of my mind, I know that in a year or who knows how long, he'll want back in our lives, I know this for a fact...and it's sick that I will sit here and hold onto that hope until the day I die....No matter how horrible he is and the things he's done...pretty pathetic huh
I hear so much pain in your post that you feel your husband ( i am guessing here) has chosen addiction over his family. It took me a long time to learn this lesson but addiction is not personal. It is his disease that has made his choice for him, it doesn't have anything to do with not loving you or the children. He loves as much as his disease will allow him to. And always remember Everything is subject to change! If you really think about it ( and this is what I had to do) what rational person would give up a loving family, a home, a job. thier friends etc to get drunk or high. What rational person would give up all they hold dear for a drink. The answer is no one. Thier disease keeps him making these choices. And while he is clearly hurting those who love him, the bottom line is he doesn't love himself enough right now to want better. His addiction will always come first and foremost (until he hit bottom). When he says he is happy and content with how is life is going you know that is a lie he has to tell himself everyday just to get through the day. He knows in lucid moments how much hurt and pain he is causing, his self esteem is below zero he doesn't feel worthy to have the love of the family he has....these are all the things his disease tells him I have had numerous A's in my life and was not in alanon my current and most painful A I have now is my son. And for the longest time believed his disease was something he was doing "too us". Picking drugs over a loving family, I anquished over this for the longest time as i wondered where I went wrong. I looked in his eyes one day and saw the most incredible pain i have ever witnessed. And thats when i understood he wasn't doing anything "too us" he was doing it to himself because he was in so much mental pain and didn't have the coping skills to deal with it. That day I learned to stop taking it personally, to stop adding to his feelings of no self worth by yelling or accusing and that day I learned compassion. A's are in much more pain than we could ever imagine. I know we get caught up with how all this is affecting us and we forget that despite alcohol or drugs our loved ones are fighting a daily battle and of course they don't seek treatment until they have hit thier own bottom. And that bottom is different for everyone. It is of the utmost importance that you take care of yourself and your family. I am not sure how old your kids are but if they are old enough they need to be taught that thier dad has a disease and that it's not that he doesn't love them. If your kids are small there are some good books out there. If your kids are older, I would recommed alateen and also explaining how this disease works. You children should not feel that thier dad doesn't love them but that his disease dosn't allow him to love them in the way they would like or to be supportive in the way they would like. Once they have an understanding on how the disease works they can stop taking it personally too. They need to know it's not thier fault. I am not sure wether you said how much your husband drinks. If there are times where he is sober I personally would have him over for a couple hours to visit or meet him somewhere so that he continues to feel connected to the family especially during this holiday season. That is just my opinion i know you and the kids do not want to be exposed to his drinking at all of course none of want to see that just in my very humble opinion if he could somehow be involved in a family activity ( sober) that, that may give him a sliver of hope. My belief is that we are all deserving of love even A's. But if your children are older and want no part of him right now then that has to be respected to. I think the most important conversation will be between you and your children, letting them know it's not personal, not thier fault and maybe learn how to detach with love. I know for us my daughter detached big time from her little brother, she wants nothing to do with him and I have tried to explain the detaching with love but she isn't having any of it. I know how badly it hurts her to do this as she loves her brother, I know my son doesn't understand why she has abandoned him and is also hurting. Thats the thing with this dang disease it takes no prisioners And do not discount your own recovery work...proven fact is our recovery aides in the recovery of others. You just never know what a person will hear or see that makes them want to turn thier lives around. I wish you all the best Blessings
As the others have said, it is not a conscious volitional choice. Addiction has taken over, and every cell in his body is screaming, "More booze!".
Nothing illustrated this better for me than watching the progression of my late mother's alcoholism. She was a very proper, genteel woman -- every inch a lady -- which was part of the hurdle, as she couldn't reconcile her self-image with her mental construct of "alcoholic", which was basically a street person on the skids. As long as she held down a job and had a roof over her head, she wasn't "like that".
She had been told at multiple hospital admissions and by her family doctor that she absolutely could not drink, that it was killing her. And yet she could not stop. Eventually she was saying she had quit, even to my father, but didn't. I know with all my heart that that woman did not want to die of cirrhosis, but it was out of her control. Watching her die convinced me of the disease's power.
My ABF tells me the disease speaks to him, almost like a voice in his head, and tells him that having a drink would make everything better (depression, boredom, frustration -- anything). For the past 11 months he's been able to successfully argue with that voice. But there were many times in the past when he couldn't resist the seduction. Honestly, I have no idea how he managed to pull himself out of his relapses -- each time I was sure they could only end in death, he was spiralling downward so quickly.
My thoughts are with you.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
I, too, do not believe that an alcoholic rationally contemplates making a choice between alcohol and people. In moments of sobriety in between binges during my AH's last relapse, he was completely miserable and would cry and apologize for his drinking and behavior. I believe with every part of me that he was sincere. He's a good man, and he was completely broken. He didn't like what he was doing one bit, and he wasn't weighing one thing against another in his head.
If it was as simple as just making a choice, none of us would be here. Rational and sane people would stop when the consequences became as big as losing family, going to jail, or death. Yet, there is nothing rational or sane about alcoholism. Alcoholism is a disease. None of us get much choice whether we become afflicted with a disease.
(((Prayers)))
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Thursday 2nd of December 2010 10:27:10 PM
