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I just read a post from Glad Lee talking about triangulation - it hit home, but I didn't want to hijack the thread so I'm starting my own.
Triangulation ... where one family member will not communicate directly with another family member regarding an issue, but will instead communicate with a third family member about the issue, which forces the third family member's involvement in the issue.
UH HUH. My dysfunctional family of origin had a lot of that. A lot of it was started by my untreated Alanon stepfather, who would not communicate directly with my sister and I regarding discipline issues but would instead convey his displeasure to my alcoholic mom. This served the purpose of getting what he wanted (discipline for my sister and I) and not having to deal with confrontation himself. There was a lot of gossip and meanness behind just about everyone's backs that went along with this.
A little after I got in Alanon, I realized that there was a lot of triangulation going on between my parents, my exAH, and me. They kept a relationship with him for their own reasons - and would always want me to talk to him and try to convince him to do this or that. I hated it because it felt in a way like I was still in a marriage with the guy, and still trying to control his actions - which I no longer wanted any part of. I had no idea how to extricate myself from the situation, though. Just coming right out and saying, "HEY! No more!" didn't seem like an option! I was too scared of what they would think, whether they would be hurt or disappointed, whatever. After a while, though, I realized that my parents weren't acting like grown ups, and that if I didn't stop my role in the whole thing, it was never going to stop. I had to be the grown up in charge and take care of me. I see now very clearly that, even though it was hard to stand up to my own parents, I wasn't disrespectful at all. I was taking care of me.
My parents still try to involve me in their strange relationship with my ex. At one time, I tried to talk them out of having a relationship with him because it just seemed so messed up - I divorced him, and they're having him over for dinner and lending him money? Whaaa?? I don't bother trying to change the reality of it anymore, though. My parents are adults and they can do what they want, whether I understand or agree or don't. I don't spend any time trying to understand anymore either, because it's just part of the insanity of alcoholism. It's not rational. I also don't allow myself to be put in the middle. If my parents call and ask me to tell my exAH something the next time I talk to him, I politely but firmly say no, and that they can tell him themselves. I will also no longer participate in discussions about him with my parents.
I think it's only by the compassion that I've come to feel though the program that I can genuinely feel no resentment towards my parents for this kind of thing. They are sick, and doing the best they can with what they know. I'm grateful that I'm no longer in that place.
Good thread. I made a conscious decision to stop the triangulation and gossip with my family and most of my friends. It hurt when they talked about me. So, I send them back to the source of their questions. For my friends and at work, I try to differentiate between gossip and just processing what goes on. My life is much better now.
Oh, do I hear you!! I got stuck in the middle of my family's "trangulation" for years. Last summer, when we were all together so I could finish settling my Mom's estate, I informed them all that I was no longer "available" to be anybody's middle man. They all looked stunned. It was one of those "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean" moments. I have stuck to it and now when they come to me to try to talk to another sibling, I gently inform them that I retired from the job and they have to stand on their own two feet. Alanon has been a wonderful program for me and I have learned so much. Only looking for progress, not perfection.
interesting LOL - this term triangulation- Ive never heard it before. What u are referring to, I call manipualtion and it is the dynamic of our disease. Bc we are in denial - and we are out of control with us, so we control them or at least try and try and try. Instead of facing us directly, we are upset or stressed out - we blame shift and focus on things we cannot control, so we feel helpless and hopeless. As a martyr, it was always that trip of - I am worried for you bc I love you so much and Im so sacrificing all of me, for you - lol manipualtive and it is a mini traingulation all within us lol.
There is power in information, and if we have a "secret" then others can feel it is in there and they want to dig and dig and ask questions to figure out our stance, so they can try to change our minds for us. I used to get so angry bc it was always - we are doing this bc we love you so much and care about your future. Well, if they cared, they would listen to me and see my perspective, they dont so it is up to me to not share vulnerable info about me (esp when it is an early change in my program, a new skill I am working with). Just bc a question is asked, I dont ahve to answer it. I can say, I choose not to discuss this right now and change the subject or I can walk away - if they wont let it go. That is not resepctful and I do not have to tolerate unacceptable behavior -so as long as I resepct myself, I will continue to take measures to ensure my own peace of mind and my own well being. It is self preservation!
U are so right, ur parents dont have to agree with all of your choices, they are measuring this situation by their own standard/s and I ahve learned that my parents and my standard and ethics do differ, it is ok, u can choose what is heatlhiest for you and stand by it - this is one way in which we can develop self esteem and self resepct. I have learned that being quiet and not answering or asking questions - I am much calmer and feel better inside of me - bc I am more focused on me than ever - I still rush to fix and be a codie but I can work on me and my program and MYOB and practise detaching and it really all does work together in concert! take care of YOU, whatver that looks like - great awareness, kcb! You are so worth it!
Tell them to speak directly to the person and begin to take yourself out of it, more and more - with practise it all gets easier. wtg
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
What a great thread...I have never been able to put a word to all the things you described All i can say is my family is triangulating all over the place LOL Blessings
So like my own experience, when i left my first husband, he was violent and dangerous, yet my parents would have him over for dinner and even though he destroyed my life, my sisters still talk to him and act like he is an important part of our family! it used to hurt like hell, their denial, and they lack of support for me but now I leave them to it, havent seen him for many many years, so it doesnt hurt anymore,
Thank you for posting this thread about Triangulation.
Triangulation has been a long time dysfunctional behavior in my family. Even now with a few 12 step recovering family members (including myself) the dysfunction continues. Reality confirms again that it really does take time to heal all wounds, and time works on it's watch and not my own. I am learning that I have to work on accepting this reality continuously and I find this to be extremely frustrating when I feel entitled to amends for unacceptable behavior and wanting of loving and warm validation for hurt feelings.
There was an incident this past Mother's Day involving myself, my Mother, my Brother, and my Dad. Circumstances worked out unfavorably for us all to where I was unable to visit my family over the weekend. My Mother's sadness gave way to anger and now I find myself being scapegoated and ostracized by my family. This has been ongoing ever since I was a child. Paradoxically, I am also viewed as the "Golden Child" which is a role and a pedastal I do not care to be labeled as or stand on, since the expectations are way too high to be achieved and the costs way too costly to be paid. Being viewed as a "Golden Child" one minute and then scapegoated and ostracized the next minute by the same source (My Mother) creates quite a bit of confusion as you can imagine.
As the denial strips away through my Al Anon recovery, the pain of triangulation hurts more than ever before as I see things as they really are instead of as I wish them to be. Specifically this incident in particular as I've been feeling down lately due to the death of my pet, a lost job, and my Brother's heroin relapse.
I'm not sure how to handle these situations in a way that provides assertiveness for me, as well as, love and respect for all involved. My emotions inside are best described as volcanic right now. I really want to let my emotions rip and let my family know how I really feel right now and how hurt I am by their actions. This, of course, would get us all nowhere healthy FAST.
What I do know at this point is that I made the choice to no longer be anyone's victim for any reason whatsoever. This decision has been very liberating and extremely difficult at the same time. Denial cloaked me in protection of unacceptable behaviors of those close to me and myself that I did not want to acknowledge. It's hard to accept we all have dark sides and hurting those we love is just as easy as showing them love. Sometimes I'm not sure I want to prescribe to this sort of reality. If I don't see things as they are though I'll be the victim of my own undoing, as well as, the very human reactions of those I love. Quite a bind eh?
When I apply this choice of personal power to my specific triangular situation with my family I see that I have to acknowledge my part in the triangle. I'm still sorting this out at the moment...the exact nature of my actions and intentions. What is reasonable and healthy loving behavior and what is the reaction of this disease of addiction?
I'll apply the Serenity Prayer to this matter to see what I need to accept as those things I cannot change, change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I'm open to anyone's experience, strength, and hope on this matter...
