The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Detachment is something that has gotten so much easier the more I've practiced it. I say "practiced" because it IS all just practice - I've not gotten it down perfectly by any means, but it is definitely easier.
Today I had lunch with my AH. I was happy, enjoying his company, enjoying my lunch, enjoying the productivity of my day, just happy. So I talked for a while and then asked my AH how his day was. He said he'd had a crappy day so far and started venting. It's not that long ago that I would've totally let my happy mood come crashing down because *ohmygosh* - he was upset, and therefore I should be too. I probably would've even let myself start to believe that it was my fault he was in a bad mood.
Know what? Not today! I listened patiently, told him that I was sorry he was having a bad day, finished up my lunch, and came back to work - just as happy as when I left. Bad days happen. I have them, too, occasionally. No need for me to have one today, though, just because my AH is.
Also, one of my bosses just came back to my part of our office and threw a tantrum. He's in a bad mood. Some days when he's in a bad mood and throwing fits, I want to go hide. Again, not today. Today he can be in a bad mood all by himself, while I get my work done with a smile on my face :)
I've had the same experience many times, so I hear ya!
My ABF likes to dwell in the dark and the negative -- the world is a doomed place, full of lies and corruption, blah blah -- whereas I deliberately choose to focus on life's positives and happy moments. One minor disagreement can send him into a foul mood; he can't seem to shrug it off.
Before Al-Anon, I would be all full of concern and take on his stuff, asking, "What can I do?" His lousy mood would infect me, dragging me down. Plus I was convinced that it was somehow at least partly my fault, or that if I was a better partner I could fix it for him, so I felt inadequate.
Now I accept that his stuff is HIS stuff, and he's the one who has to dig his way out from underneath it. Most of the time it has nothing to do with me. I say "I'm sorry you're feeling this way" and stay out of Fixer mode. It preserves my serenity, and usually shortens the length of time he stays in his black mood when I'm not feeding into it.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Detachment was the topic at the Al Anon meeting I went to tonight. I heard some really interesting ideas on the topic from people who attend the meeting regularly. One that really stuck with me and I think will be a helpful tip to remember is that detachment is like teaching a toddler how to walk. You're not going to hold them up and move their legs for them, because they'll never learn that way. You're going to let them try and figure it out, and if they fall you will go and pick them up, and then let them try again. And eventually, the toddler learns to walk.
Another idea I heard which was new to me in relation to detachment was respect...i.e., respect your alcoholic by allowing them to figure things out for themselves. By trying to solve everything you are not respecting their abilities. It's all made me realize how completely controlling I was in the past with my wife. I tried to solve every problem and protect her from everything she could do to herself. I'm sure she's felt quite a bit of anger and resentment towards me as a result. And I can't say I blame her.
I love the toddler analogy!! I get it - I have a toddler that just learned to walk, and I totally get it! When he falls down, I don't go running (unless he busts his head or something, of course) - I tell him to get up! And almost always, he smiles and picks himself up and keeps running!
Thanks for that analogy, usedtobeanyer! I love it!!
