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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Please help
Post Info TOPIC: Please help
sunflowergirl


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Please help
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I need some E S & H today...  I need to hear some things about detaching and letting go.  I need to hear about focusing on me....  Please help.  I am in the trenches today.  :(  I am giving my stuff to HP to handle, but I feel alone and very sad.

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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.  -Buddha

The past has flown away.  The coming month and year do not exsist.  Ours only is the present's tiny point.  -Mahmud Shabistanri
White Rabbit


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It's okay to feel sad sometimes - just makes you human like everyone else.

It is good that you're giving your "stuff" as you say to your HP to handle. Your HP didn't bring you all this way just to drop you on your head - HP has your back! :)

Good use of healthy tools to come here and share and take in some ESH - keep up the good work!

(((hugs)))

Summer

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* White Rabbit *

I can't fix my broken mind with my broken mind.
sdisnie


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Boy can I relate to how you feel. I feel that way often. In fact, I feel that way now......It's so hard to detach and let go, and it's not really time that helps do it, it's all mind over matter. If you can concentrate and force your mind to think other thoughts, or find something to do, or find a friend to talk to. Make a phone call to someone you haven't spoken to for a long time, journal, blog online, get in your car, crank the stereo and scream at the top of your lungs. Pray and cry loud to God and ask him to take the burden off of yourself until you are strong enough to carry some of the weight again. Ask God to hold you up and just keep praying to him over and over and over again.

Know that you're not alone in this, that there are others out there who are broken too, and that if we all stand together and stay strong and lean on one another, we can survive today.
Hugs to you!! (and I too will try to practice what I preach)

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tlcate


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Gerbil
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This made me smile.  Hopefully it will you too.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Detachment

One day, my son brought a gerbil home to live with us. We put it in a cage. Some time later, the gerbil escaped. For the next six months, the animal ran frightened and wild through the house. So did we - chasing it.

"There it is. Get it!" we'd scream, each time someone spotted the gerbil. I, or my son, would throw down whatever we were working on, race across the house, and lunge at the animal hoping to catch it.

I worried about it, even when we didn't see it. "This isn't right," I'd think. "I can't have a gerbil running loose in the house. We've got to catch it. We've got to do something."

A small animal, the size of a mouse had the entire household in a tizzy.

One day, while sitting in the living room, I watched the animal scurry across the hallway. In frenzy, I started to lunge at it, as I usually did, then I stopped myself.

No, I said, I'm all done. If that animal wants to live in the nooks and crannies of this house, I'm going to let it. I'm done worrying about it. I'm done chasing it. It's an irregular circumstance, but that's just the way it's going to have to be.

I let the gerbil run past without reacting. I felt slightly uncomfortable with my new reaction - not reacting - but I stuck to it anyway.

I got more comfortable with my new reaction - not reacting. Before long, I became downright peaceful with the situation. I had stopped fighting the gerbil. One afternoon, only weeks after I started practicing my new attitude, the gerbil ran by me, as it had so many times, and I barely glanced at it. The animal stopped in its tracks, turned around, and looked at me. I started to lunge at it. It started to run away. I relaxed.

"Fine," I said. "Do what you want." And I meant it.

One hour later, the gerbil came and stood by me, and waited. I gently picked it up and placed it in its cage, where it has lived happily ever since. The moral of the story? Don't lunge at the gerbil. He's already frightened, and chasing him just scares him more and makes us crazy.

Detachment works.

Today, I will be comfortable with my new reaction - not reacting. I will feel at peace.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation. All rights reserved. No portion of this publication may be reproduced in any manner without the written permission of the publisher.

5076.jpg The Language of Letting Go is available for purchase in our online bookstore.

Make Language of Letting Go my default Thought for the Day Category.



-- Edited by tlcate on Tuesday 30th of November 2010 09:47:23 AM

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ythannah


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RE: Please help
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For a quick fix, I'll repeat a slogan to myself a few times -- concentrating really hard on the words, while doing some deep breathing -- like "Let go and let God" or "How important is it?", whatever fits the situation.  That usually works to get my brain off the hamster wheel.

The dogs are one of my best tools.  They're always up for a cuddle, to remind myself that I am loved, or a walk when I need "me" time.

I can get a breath of instant serenity by recalling a vision of my home group and the smiling happy faces of the other members, or replaying some of the kind things they've said to me.

And when the quick approaches aren't doing the trick, I usually have to throw myself into some sort of mentally-absorbing task that takes all my focus, so I can give my mind a rest from thinking about Aism.

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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
glad lee


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When I am in the trenches, I usually do what you're doing, reach out. If you are in a f2f group, now is the time to give a call, or go out for coffee, stay connected. Sometimes I isolate, figuring I'll feel better on my own eventually. But a sick mind cannot cure a sick mind. My sponsor taught me that I need 3 things to recover, I need the 12 steps, I need a fellowship, and I need my HP.

I love the first three steps... I can't, God can, I think I'll let Him. To me, the most important word in Step 3 is "care." I have to believe my Hp is going to care for me if I'm ever going to be able turn my will and my life over. If I struggle with letting go and trusting that my HP will care for me.... I need to pray for help with that. Sometimes, I put post-it notes around my house that say "Trust." My HP wants me to trust.

For me to stop my incessant, fearful thinking, I have to get quiet. Get still. Sit with HP. Stop thinking. The problem is always my separation from my HP. The solution is always getting back. (((hugs)))







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hotrod


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HI Sunflower

I have been there so many times and the little bookmark," Just For Today "saved my day more than any other tool.
 
I would read the prayer on the back and ask to be an instrument of peace for HP that day.  Then I would read all the small suggestions on the front.    Most important was to remember that I can do something for 12 hours that would destroy me if I thought it would last forever.

I would repeat slogans over and over in my head so as to keep the focus on the moment  Even when the moment was hard and impossible I prayed 

Tricia, I loved the gerbil storybiggrin  In fact I once had the same situation in my home.  The gerbil was out for about 2 weeks and finally when I stopped staying up all night and chasing him, I awoke one day to find him eating in hs cagefurious

We all laughed  Too bad i could not use that when dealing with alcoholismconfuse

One Day at a Tiem we can move forward together



-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 30th of November 2010 10:24:40 AM

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

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sunflowergirl


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Thank you all. I am grateful to be here

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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.  -Buddha

The past has flown away.  The coming month and year do not exsist.  Ours only is the present's tiny point.  -Mahmud Shabistanri
lyndebi


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When I learned to detach, it was a HUGE feeling off me. I just loved him, turkey or not.

If he was being a jerk. I just went on my way and appreciated that his body was here. I knew he would mellow out and be ok again.

I knew it was the sickness making him be the "other one" as he called it. So to me it was no different than if he had brain cancer that sometimes made him be so awful.

I learned to be ok. Found me again, cleaned house, painted walls, read books, messed with the animals. Then hopefully by that eve he would be in our double recliner and we sat together.

I guess I was fortunate as my AH was mostly very quiet. He did not follow me around. I never saw him drink or use. His disease was so carefully hidden. He thought, or hoped.

I heard on Intervention this, that they honestly believe their lies. Drugs are horrible on their brains. Of course they are not going to be reasonable. They are truly insane.

We cannot expect sanity out of insanity.

I always was in hope he would be ok for a little while and be outside doing the burning with a dog or trying to fix something.

If we love them and choose to stay, detaching is vital. As the disease progressed for me, I just could not do it anymore. For me, his brain damage from the surgery made him so violent and he was physically abusive.

Was very sad. And now he is no one like the man I married and knew all my life.

BUT sunnigirl, I don't regret the time I learned to detach and was blessed to have him with me some more time.

Taking care of me, made it possible to just love him, expect nothing, take him as he was.

Wish you were close, we could drive up to the mountains and just go walk somewhere pretty with a couple dogs. I have found, even alone now, that to get out of here and do something helps.

I don't know why, does not matter, but I have been missing that boy lately.
well it is natural, I miss all those i have lost sometimes.

Anyway hoping your day goes ok. love,debilyn


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bud


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great post and awesome responses! I'm struggling with this and will be rereading it several times.

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sunflowergirl


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Yes again, thank you all! I do feel better reading all of this :) I know there will be bad days and good days. I am so grateful I have this board to help me through both :)

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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.  -Buddha

The past has flown away.  The coming month and year do not exsist.  Ours only is the present's tiny point.  -Mahmud Shabistanri
member922


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Don't lunge at the gerbil. He's already frightened, and chasing him just scares him more and makes us crazy.



Yeah, this about sums it up. Thank you so much for sharing this story. I think there are a lot more books out there I need to read.

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Suzannah


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Whenever I am in the trenches I give it to God and say the Serenity Prayer. I accept where I am and I LET GO.

I share with someone I can trust, just as you have done and I find that a catharic exercise, which enhances my Serenity. I do not beat myself up as I used to do and I go back to the
"Just for today", but I reduce it to "Just for the next five minutes I will breathe," as simple as, and then I repeat that exercise until I feel that the sadness is not taking me over.

It has taken many years to reach this point and I can assure you that sometimes it still takes a considerable effort to right myself when I feel I have been bowled over, but my recovery time is improving mainly because I accept where I am at straight away and the simplicity of that Serenity Prayer puts me back into God's hands not my own.

The Just for...(however long I need at the time given what has disturbed my peace and serenity and capability at that time)...is the proactive part I do whilst placing myself into my HP's hands, and the sharing is the halving of the problem.

With love,
Suzannah
heart.gif

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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.

Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
tlcate


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@Member...

Yeah, the Gerbil thing had me nodding and laughing.  My exA would see things and describe them so clearly . . .

"Tricia, you are like a scared little kitten backed in the corner and when I hurt you, you lash out."

I would think . . . "He gets it!!!. He will stop!"

Then WHACK!!!!

Ok. Maybe not.

Kitten . . . gerbil . . . whatever furry little creature works.

I have been the gerbil and the chaser.  Both stink and both need to detach.

tlc

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