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I'm sure many of you have asked yourselves that question. My BF and I are reaching the breaking point. He keeps hiding his little relapses from me and I don't know if I can deal with it anymore. Today he came right out and said that, despite our previous agreement, he was no longer willing to fess up to me when he relapses. I told him I would stay with him as long as he didn't give up, kept trying, and didn't hide it from me. I simply cannot STAND feeling like he put one over on me. Anyway, we got into it and he is throwing up his hands and wallowing in his 'It's hopeless" pity party. He is currently going through his clothes to decide what to give away and what to take with him when he leaves, because he can't stand the shame and guilt of having to tell me when he relapses. This is a man who supposedly adores me. We have a GREAT relationship. I am totally willing to work on it and he's just giving up. Part of me is saying, "Let him walk!" But another part is saying, "No, dammit, this guy is worth fighting for." I suggested that we go to counseling to figure out if we can find some middle ground. He agreed. Why is it that I am tying myself in knots over this and he is very calmly organizing his clothes? He says even if we work it out and he stays, he has alot of stuff he doesn't wear so he might was well go through it now. So I turned the focus on me....why am I willing to back down on my boundaries and work for this relationship? Is it because I love him so much? Or because I'm afraid of being alone and never finding anyone else? I read on another post about divorce to make a pros and cons list, so I will do that. But honestly, how do you figure out if it's love or fear? Why do you STAY when you're the one who has to make all the compromises and sacrifices? Even if "what's in it for me" is worth staying for, how do you get through the times that you are hurt and suspicious and resentful? Sorry this is kinda long...I'm in tears and not thinking 100% straight.
Is there any way you could go out for a walk or a coffee or something? Talk to an Al-anon friend on the phone? It sounds like getting some air would be a good step.
For me things seem like Stay! or GO! when I'm tired, don't have outside perspective, and havent' gone to a meeting. Why not something in the middle? He can go for now. Maybe he needs the space. He's got his own higher power- maybe it needs him to be away from the home for it to do its work? Who know? I don't, you don't, and probably he doesn't either. Hence, the "don't create a crisis, and don't prevent one."
I don't know you. Maybe you're afraid to be alone but that wasn't it for me. If you're like me, you love him too much. I love so many addicts and it's been awful for me to realize (over and oveR) that I Can.Not.Help.Them. Can not. It is not within my power just because I was too close to them or who knows why. When I am healthy and happy I can be a good support system, but really I will never be able to be the kind of help I desperately wanted to be.
There is no magic speech that will get them to see how self-destructive they are (and how destructive they are to the people around them.) Mostly they know that, anyway, and in a deep-seated way I hope to never have to know myself. When they lie and connive, it's not because they think you're stupid, it's because they are alcoholics/addicts and that's what alcoholics and addicts do. If you expect them to behave non-alcoholically, then it's you who needs to change your expectations.
For me, I stopped making sacrifices, and it was amazing how I came to appreciate the addicts in my life. Not that it was overnight... oh no! it took some months, actually. But after that, I only did what I felt like, and strangely enough, that included hanging out with the addicts in my life, even though they were still loony. Because I wasn't sacrificing, I could enjoy the parts about them that I loved and the other parts didn't bug me.
In one of my first meetings some wise person said that she went to Al-anon because it allowed to her keep loving the addicts in her life. Without Al-anon the relationships would have turned to hate, eventually, because her feelings for them are SO strong. That sentiment was why I kept coming back. Now I go because I like how my brain feels when I go, and don't like how it feels when I don't. The ability to love the addicts in my life is now just a wonderful result of having my brain in good order.
Take care of yourself first, Sweetie. You aren't a bad person for wanting better for him and you. But the solution isn't in the relationship. The solution is in making yourself as healthy and sane as possible, without expecting him to participate. Get your own program, even if it means you're not there for him every second. Go to meetings. Hang out with people who are healthy and happy. Sleep lots. Exercise.
Remember that none of this is because he doesn't love you or you don't love him- I am certain you both love each other deeply. It's just alcoholism and this is how you get around it.
Because we do love them and we have invested our time and our hearts.
You can stay in the relationship and you dont have to do the compromises and to sacrifice your happiness. Alanon can show you how.
Its not wrong to have expectations from a loved one in a relationship. But were talking about alcoholics here. Its not the norm. Why would you expect an alcoholic to tell you he is having a relapse, when they wont even admit they have a problem.
The solution to our problems is to look to ourselves and focus on us. So we can make the best decisions for our life. We get thru the hard times by working our program and connecting with our higher power. Working the steps and living our lives as best we can. This is the only way you can figure things out.
I have gone through the same thoughts. It's true what everyone has told you that you have to work on you and figure out what you really want, for you.
It's different for everyone, but taking care of yourself is what it ends up boiling down to. I wish you the strength to work through this and really find out what you need.
Alcoholism is a disease, and lying and secrecy are part of its ugly symptoms, unfortunately.
Is it love or the fear of being alone? Only you can answer that - your answer will not necessarily be the same as anyone else's. In Alanon we don't give advice - nobody will tell you to leave or stay, but will help you work through your own feelings surrounding the family disease of alcoholism. It is important to focus on yourself at this time - focus on the next right thing to take care of you.
For me, it wasn't so much the fear of being alone as it was the fear of what would happen to him if I left. Who would pay the bills, who would hire the lawyers, who would make sure the rent was paid and the car was insured? I had taken on the role of caretaker, like I was the parent in charge. Although I could logically accept that he was an adult and capable of taking care of himself, in my heart I believed it was my responsibility because I chose to be in that relationship. It was guilt that kept me there. I hated the way I felt.
In Alanon, we learn to find peace and contentment whether or not the alcoholic is still drinking. The peace is there for you, just as it was there for me.
I am in a similar position although I feel the relationship is on hold or possibly over unless the maintenance drinking stops, deep down I dont feel she will ever stop.
A weird one, no atmosphere between us, no arguments, she is honest (apart from the drink issue) and would do anything to help me. Just the demon drink (vodka) that raises its ugly head most days early afternoon onwards.
I have met loads of other women and often been asked out for a drink, always shunned the opportunities so I guess this must tell me something. No doubt I am scared to face the reality of the situation and go through the hurt that will of course follow.
Good luck anyway, never easy.................
-- Edited by Speck on Tuesday 30th of November 2010 01:22:21 AM
-- Edited by Speck on Tuesday 30th of November 2010 01:23:23 AM
I just want to add, that his drinking is not personal. He is not CHOOSING to drink over having a relationship with you. Alcoholic drinking reaches a point where it is no longer a CHOICE to drink, it becomes necessary. That is a sad fact. Without a program of recovery and the help of a Higher Power, it is too much for us.
It's not personal Lynn. Keep reminding yourself of that as you continue to work the steps. (((hugs)))
-- Edited by glad lee on Tuesday 30th of November 2010 07:25:00 AM
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
One of my underlying motivations isn't so much fear of being alone as fear of social judgement for failing at yet ANOTHER relationship, and my personal sense of inadequacy at my own poor choices. In textbook ACoA fashion, I have a need to feel "normal" -- and successful relationships are what normal, healthy people do, right? I look at my friends and acquaintances, all of whom have longstanding apparently happy marriages, and think, "Why can they manage to do it and I can't?" (Well, duh -- it's that ACoA thing, lol!)
Which is my convoluted way of explaining why I've remained in past relationships long after the feelings of love are gone, on my side. So it's more stubbornness than anything else, until I finally realize that the relationship can't work if only one partner is working on it.
It got more complicated with my recovering ABF because I did still love the man he was when sober, but I wasn't sure if the sober part of him was ever going to resurface for long enough to sustain the emotion, or if it was going to be permanently drowned out in his frequent relapses. Add to that the pain of watching someone that you care about who is engaging in self-destructive behaviour. I reached my breaking point last Christmas when he had a very bad relapse while on vacation out of town, and it was a combination of "I can't do this any more!" and "There is no hope for him". It ended up being a positive thing, as it finally brought me to the doors of Al-Anon -- I attended my first meeting in January. He has been sober ever since, and we did reconcile.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Lyn the thing that rings true is, their disease is none of our business. If he relapses, lies, smokes pot whatever we are not their parent or parole officer.
What is our business hon is deciding if we can live with this person just how they are, accept them just how they are. We cannot change anyone.
You sound like you love him very much. This is where detaching is important. If you choose to, you can look at the man and love him, and know the A part is none of our business.
It is his to take care of, to use or not.
It can be that you love him AND you are one who is afraid of being alone.
It is both - love and fear of being alone. It is the disease of alcoholism. I was left behind by my AHsober. I still love him and I had a fear of being alone (abandon really). I have survived for five years. Yes, work on yourself.
Thank you everyone for all of your insights. What has transpired since is that he has thrown up his hands and told me it's hopeless, he can never quit, and he started going through his clothes to decide to what to keep and what to get rid of when he moves out. He said that I gave him an ultimatum and he can't do it and he's sick of my "rules." I explained that they're not rules, they are boundaries. And that I don't want to be his mother or parole officers, or "the enemy" which is the role he's giving me. I want to be his partner, with open and honest communication, supporting him in his recovery. He basically told me it's his own personal struggle and to stay out of it. I GET that. What I really don't like is the hiding it from me. At counseling yesterday, it got heated and he told me to go eff myself. I almost walked out at that point but I didn't, and the therapist did a good job asking him why it's so hard to be honest, and was he willing to walk away from this relationship, his home, his extended family. He said he didn't want to but there was just no hope and he was tired of watching me cry and being a failure. I tried to say that the only failure is in giving up, but he was in full blown hopelessness mode so he wasn't really hearing it. He agreed to try again and we are going back today to discuss specific coping mechanisms. But now I face another dilemma in that I am very hurt that it was going to be so easy for him to walk out on me. The therapist (who he goes to alone, usually, and knows him well) told him she was shocked he was considering moving out. I said DITTO! He told me he was afraid I would kick him out and he has a big phobia about being homeless, so he was just prepping for it. He apologized to me for "jumping the gun." After counseling, he expected me to cuddle up on the couch and watch TV. I just couldn't do it. He almost walked out on me and told me to go eff myself (which he never does). I can't just drop that and pretend everything is fine. That's his MO - everything is always FINE. He is always upbeat and after a fight, he expects me to just drop it immediately and go back to being "normal." I'm sorry but I am deeply upset and can't pretend otherwise. I am trying VERY hard not to wallow in it and obsess and make myself sick over it. But it was really eye opener to see him folding his clothes and cleaning out his closet. If he's so willing to leave, why I am fighting for him to stay? I know he's mad that I won't just drop it, but I am honestly fed up with dealing with all of his bullshit and when it's MY feelings involved, I'm just supposed to forgive immediately and snap out of it. I know that doing so would be the best thing for me, but I don't want to harbor resentments and I feel I need to have some time to process my feelings and figure out what's best for ME. I am thinking maybe he SHOULD leave for a bit...go stay with a friend and work on himself and give me some breathing room too. Trying to decide if that's the course I want to take. Or if I should just try harder to detach. I just find it unpleasant to be in the same room with him right now, and meanwhile he's walking around the house cracking jokes and being seemingly unaffected by all this. That is his coping mechanism...I know that. But it's still annoying....
I would say it is both. Love and fear. Fear of being alone . . . not so much for me personally, I love being alone, but there were so many other fears. Failure was a big one for me. But there was love and hope in there as well.
You are upset that he was packing to leave and leaving is so easy for him.
Did he ACTUALLY LEAVE?
My experience is that the action of preparing to leave, the THREAT of leaving can be used against us to achieve a dramatic response. It was used against me more than once.
tlc
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
