BINGE DRINKERS AND M.I.A. STYLE? - Al-Anon Family Group

Bambina10 · Member

BINGE DRINKERS AND M.I.A. STYLE?

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Bambina))))

We all get quite an education! I can relate to what you are experiencing and feeling. I'm so sorry you have this.

From my experience, both with a 20 year marriage to an active A and having had dated someone in recovery, the disappearing seems to be an A thing. It is not just related to binge drinking.

I can guess that the disappearing may be so they do not have to be accountable or responsible. Perhaps, disappearing avoids disappointment or shame. I have come to believe it is more about them then it is about us.

The self-defeatest attitude also seems common. It is the disease talking and it shows how much they are hurting inside. It also seems to be part of a self-destructive pattern. I used to think those kinds of comments from my A meant he was reaching out to me for help or wanted to be talked off of that proverbial ledge.

I don't think it is easy for them- I think it is part of their suffering and their way of trying to cope with being out of control.

It is so difficult for us. We love them and want the good we see in them. It doesn't seem normal for our loved ones to want to disappear and stay away from us like that, and it is so hard to understand and accept. I used to think that it would be possible to work things out if I could only talk with the A and reason things out. ...But, this is a powerful, cunning, and very baffling disease and reason does not have a permanent home here.

I now know that I can't guess when I've come in between the A and the alcohol/ drugs. So, if an A in my life disappears, I (constantly) remind myself that it has nothing to do with me.

I am still so new in the processing all of this. All I know is that I do better when I focus on myself and try and lose expectations. I have come to learn that it is ok to let the A know I love him and care, but not engage in something that will bring me into a downward spiral.

I'm glad you are here.

DreamXL · Senior Member

Bambina Hi and thank you for your post....I am sorry you are going thru this as well. I think the more education one can get about addiction the better. Addiction is a very personal thing, that has nothing to do with anyone else. Not a single thing. The missing in action I think has alot to do with no one getting in their way of doing what they want to do. The texts to you my guess would be a way of him justifying his actions at the present time because at some level the guilt or whatever of taking off he needs to blame someone for his actions or justify why he is doing what he is doing to himself. Just another way to not take responsibility for his choices. Its very hard to not take things personally, but when addiction is in the mix it is not about anyone but the addicted person. Their drug of choice comes first, before anyone or anything, period. There are no exceptions to that either. I'm glad your here and thank you :) blessings your way...

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Bambina,

Sorry about the dissapearing! I know I was married for 26 years to the XA, apart now for 2 1/2 years. The first fifteen years of our marriage he was always disapearing, which left me very anxious. Man did he play me. I was always suspicious of other women. I didnt know that It was really a form of abuse what he was doing. I never went looking for him, Where would I start. I know lots of times he was asleep in his truck somewhere. One time he said he was going to the store. That was a Friday nite and Mon. was a holiday and he didnt come home until late Monday nite. I was frantic. Left with wondering and my heart racing. I finally realized my suspicions of other women, was my denial of his disease. Yes, Im sure there were other women , just an effect of this baffling disease.

The real lover was the vodka!! I have to be brutally honest with you, at the 24th year of marriage, he did confess to having an off and on affair with this woman for over 10 years, who became pregnant with twins. After she had the twins, he wanted no part of her. Im sure there were many others involved with his many escapades. I have to tell you him Fathering twins was certainly my boundary. Im not saying this is going on with your husband, but I am saying dont be naive. Some of my friends who were married to alcoholics, they never dissapeared. I do know that along with drinking, some womanize, some gamble, they know charecters and people that would surprise us. Try to detach from it. All will be revealed to you. Keep working this program of Alanon, there are lessons for us to learn. It wasnt the women that broke up my marriage. That was nothing compared to the disease of alcoholism, It was that the A, never stopped drinking in all those years and it got progressively worse.

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of Alanon. It is the only program out there for us the spouses and families of an active or non active alcoholic. I hope my honesty has not hurt you in anyway. Keep coming back....it works.

Luv, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 29th of November 2010 11:50:43 AM

-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 29th of November 2010 11:51:05 AM

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Bambina
Absolutly get educated on this disease. You have already heard from others the best expereinces out there.
A's are extremely manipulative so of course everything becomes all your fault and they will project crazy things they think you are doing or should be doing in order to justify thier own behavior. They stay away yes so you are out of the way and they can do as they please also so that you worry and are so happy to see them come home in one piece you forget they've just been out on a 3 day binge.
It is true addiction is not to be taken personally. It has nothing but nothing to do with you. But the A will sure make it seems like it does
Thats why everyone is suggesting you get educated. Knowledge is power
If you havent already do look up above for the free offer of the book "getting them sober" it will give you tons of insight as well a tools to deal with this disease. Get to meetings and start putting the focus on you completly
Sorry you are going thru this, but we all understand here your feelings and where you are coming from. We are here to support you and give you our best experience, strenght and hope.
Please take care of yourself and keep coming back
Blessings

-- Edited by xeno59 on Monday 29th of November 2010 12:47:57 PM

sdisnie · Senior Member

As you know, I have lived the same situation......the binge drinking causes disappearances, which is just really hard to understand, but the fact lies in that they are embarrassed and they want to be where they can drink. We don't like them to drink, so therefore we are the enemy. In fact, they won't go hide anywhere with anyone who doesn't accept their drinking. By being somewhere else where they dont have to hide it, or try to maintain or monitor how much they are drinking, they just drink free and clear as much as they want.

While I know this has nothing to do with me, it doesn't make it any easier, nor does it help the pain to go away, in fact, even though its not really them or really who they are, it's the alcohol making all their decisions.
It's such a pathetic vicious cycle, I wish alcohol were illegal, it would prevent so much pain and so much death, but then it also wouldn't bring in so much revenue either. Sad isn't it?

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

You know human nature is to always go after what you cant have. Im glad that alcohol is legal, there would be more issues if it werent. Look at the drug wars, because it is illegal.

In Ammsterdam you can order marijuana on a menu, they dont have the crime and killings in there country that we have here.

Yes, alcohol and drugs make men and women do things they wouldnt ordinarily do, if they didnt use. But must be held accountable. There are consequences, even while under the influence. My X says he doesnt remember having sex with the woman he was involved with that led to two human beings being brought into the world, he was too drunk or in a black out. Yes this is a disease, but everyone is responsible for their diseases. I have Diabetis and in order for me to live, I have to take my medications and insulin and limit my diet for the rest of my life. Its up to me to live or die.

So what makes an alcoholic so irresponsible?? Along with the compulsion, I say there is an immaturity in their personality's that wont let them grow up! I have observed this close up! Just because they have a baffling, horrible disease, does not excuse them from abstinence.

I know when I started to mature through this program of Alanon and my beliefs as a Buddhist, I recognized that I too was immature when I met the alcoholic. Living with this disease of alcoholism made me grow up. I had two choices grow up or go down with the addict. I chose to listen, learn, follow or else I would disinigrate. Im happy I followed Alanon. Im glad I did for it made me look at myself clearly and made me responsible for me. The only one we have any control over. We cannot rationalize ourselves to be well. We have to really reflect on our part in all of this. Luv, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 29th of November 2010 04:33:24 PM

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