The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went grocery shopping this afternoon, and right when I got there AH calls me. He asked me if I was still at the store, which was odd, because the store is less than a 10 minute drive from my house, and he knows it usually takes me an hour total to get there, get groceries and come home. It was a strange conversation, and then he said "I was going to ask you to get me something, but nevermind, I will just go to the convenience store and get it myself."
So I go on about my shopping and about 30 minutes later he calls to see if I am still at the store. I tell him that I am. He said "I was going to go to the convenient store after I got off the phone with you, but Andrew's friend came over and now I can't leave. I was wanting to know if you would pick something up for me." I asked him what. He said "A six-pack of Coors Light." I got quiet for a second trying to rationalize very quickly in my head how things would play out with an answer of yes, or an answer of no. I knew if I said no, he would've been pissed off for me refusing to, which would've started an argument, and then I would've been mad at him for getting pissed off at me, and then would've been even more pissed off when he went to the store himself to buy the beer.
I SWORE to myself I would NEVER buy beer for him, but I ended up saying yes, all to avoid an argument. I feel like a horrible person for enabling him, and for not sticking to a boundary that I set for myself. I am so pissed off at myself for caving in. I honestly thought if this day ever came, that I would be stronger than this, and wouldn't have had a problem saying no. But I caved under pressure, and I hate myself for it. I was fuming the rest of the shopping trip, and tried talking myself down while on the drive home, trying my best to "appear normal" by the time I got home. Well apparently I can't hide my feelings very well, and AH noticed that something was wrong with me. He asked if I was ok. I told him I was fine. He said that he could tell something was wrong, and asked again if I was ok. I told him again I was fine. He asked me to use our code word that we made up many years ago to reassure the other person that what was being said was the absolute truth when the other person didn't believe what they were being told. I just looked at him. He said "So there is something wrong. What is it?" I said "I really don't want to talk about it." He asked why, and I told him because it was my issue and it's something that I need to work out for myself. He said "I really would like to know what is wrong, but I am not going to push it if you don't want to talk about it. Just know if you change your mind and want to talk about it, let me know, and I will be happy to listen. I would like to help you through whatever it is, and come to a resolution to the problem." Then he asked if it was something he did. I told him no, it wasn't. Which is the honest truth. He had no idea I had this boundary for myself, so it wasn't his fault for asking me to buy him a six pack of beer. He knows I have issues with his drinking and that I go to alanon because of the issues I have, but I honestly don't believe that he thought it would be an issue to ask me to do him a favor. The issue isn't the fact that he asked me. The issue I am having right now is with myself, the answer I chose to give, and that I caved on my own boundary all because I didn't want an argument to start.
I don't know if I should share this with him when I am more calm. If I do share this with him, I certainly don't want to come across like I am blaming him for my decision, because ultimately the decision was up to me. It wasn't like I couldn't say no, it was that I wouldn't say no. I fear that he will misinterpret what I am trying to convey, and will think that I am blaming him when I am not, I am blaming myself. But at the same time, the possible benefit to sharing this with him, is that he will understand what I am trying to say, he will see the issue I have with buying beer for him, and that he might respect that in the future, and not ask me to buy it for him again (which is highly doubtful that this scenario will actually happen, but I can hope, right?). So, I guess what I need to do right now is sit and talk with HP, ask Him to guide me and let me know what is the best direction to take at this point as far as sharing with AH, and to also ask for peace and serenity to be restored in my mind because right now all that is going on is chaos and insanity. UGH!
At least now, I feel a little better just typing this out here.
Thanks for listening.
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Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
You are not a horrible person! You did what you thought was right at the time. What more can we ask from ourselves. Now you have learned how unhappy that decision made you and you may give it more thought next time. Avoiding arguments seems pretty common.
It's good to get things out and I am really glad that you posted. Many people will give all different looks at the situation. I don't feel like I have been with the program long enough to give good advice, but that doesn't mean I'm not listening.
kimmy1975 wrote:So, I guess what I need to do right now is sit and talk with HP, ask Him to guide me and let me know what is the best direction to take at this point as far as sharing with AH, and to also ask for peace and serenity to be restored in my mind because right now all that is going on is chaos and insanity. UGH!
At least now, I feel a little better just typing this out here.
Thanks for listening.
Hi Kimmy
Thanks for a wonderful insightful share. It is apparent that in the process you calmed down, realized exactly what the issue really was and turned to the Board and HP for guidance What recovery
Great realization there! Don't be hard on yourself - it's all a learning process. The growth is obvious!!! You realized exactly what the issue was. That's so huge!!
I think you made great progress there. I too have boundaries that I cross and am upset with myself for a short period. I too have to try to remember what I am going to strive to do the next time.
Progress not perfection remember. Great insight here. You seem to be making large strides forwards.
Nice insight and monitoring your thoughts and feelings...you're doing well IMO......btw....while some people understandably don't want their A drinking at all....a six pack split with two people....is considered...normal in our country........don't be too mad at yourself....hang in there.....set your boundaries but you are not perfect.....you'll find a way to make this work.
All of us walk on eggshells around an alcoholic. That's a pretty hard walk to do.
None of us glide through gracefully. I don't know if you have the book Getting them Sober. I think one of the things I most like about is the permission to do what you need to do to make your life bearable.
I don't see your decision as necessarily a bad one. When you are living with someone the boundary around money, shopping and more is a hard one. There is a line between "enabling" and "trying to live". For me Personally I don't beat myself to a pulp anymore over trying to make it through the day. Tori Amos has a great song "Why do we crucify ourselves". You're in al anon you don't have to do that, we all fall down and then we get back up again. When we first get here its like being a toddler.
Good lord girl give yourself a break !!!! You have grown by leaps and bounds since you got here..a slip is nothing to beat yourself up over. I slip all the time and when i recognize it I just start my day over again. Since your husband didn't know about your boundary than it really wasn't his fault for asking for the beer. It took me a long time to set and actually follow through with my boundaries. I did find I needed to let my son know the boundaries so he wouldnt be confused by my changing behaviors. So in a calm moment let your husband know what your boundaries are, then he will know what is or isn't accpetable for you right now. And then if after you've told him and he asks you to buy beer you can say No and he will get it. And remember NO is a complete statement. If he tries to cross that boundary and you say no there is no need to participate in an arguement with him. you can walk away or hang up. But you are doing so good....keep up the great work Blessings
Aloha Kimmy...I looked and re-read the responses twice and couldn't find the part "...called my sponsor or someone in program for support or guidance". This is a "powerlessness and unmanagability" situation and I learned early on I cannot do this by myself. There really should be a phone number with the title "sponsor" next to it in your phone. Sponsors are from HP and most often after using them in situations like yours I got the additional courage to follow thru to do the next right thing and then not have the consequences you have choosen. As others have suggested, don't beat up on yourself cause that is like double abuse and an entry application for martyrdom. If you need to scream go out in the yard (back if you need more anonymity) and throw a royal tantrum and when you are done...you're done with it. Over. Get on the phone and call a sponsor candidate or go to a meeting and ask for that help. Chances are this event will get less and less.
Thanks for all the support and encouragement. I feel much better about things today than I did last night.
mjhyankees - the beer that I bought was strictly for AH. I don't drink alcohol at all, as I get violently ill if I even have a tiny bit. First and last time I ever drank was when I was 21, which was 14 years ago. AH really doesn't have anyone that he hangs out with on a regular basis either, so he didn't want me to get beer for him to share it with someone.
xeno - I know that it wasn't his fault for asking me since he didn't know my boundary. That is why I was so pissed off at myself. I wasn't angry with him at all. That wouldn't have been fair to him to get angry with him over something he had no clue about. I was angry with myself because I honestly thought I would've been stronger than I was when faced with that situation. I do believe you are right though. I probably do need to share with him why I was so upset yesterday so he will know how I feel about buying him beer, and so I can set that boundary with him, that way he won't feel like I am just being mean or rude if he asks again without knowing about the boundary and I say no.
Jerry - I don't have a sponsor as of yet. I have someone in mind that I will probably ask soon, but I am just not sure if she is a right fit for me or not. I am pretty sure she is, but I just want to make sure. There are only about 2 or 3 people that show up to the meetings consistently and she is one of them. She has made it known to me that I am more than welcome to call her anytime I want to. I just haven't made that step yet. I have a f2f meeting tomorrow. I can't tell you how much I look forward to my Tuesday and Thursday night f2f meetings.
Thanks again to everyone for your support. I am so glad that I have MIP to come to for support.
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Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
Just thought I'd throw something in to the mix. I normally didn't share with my spouse what my successes and failures were in Alanon. Somehow my failures always got used against me. Especially boundaries. More then once I heard "I thought you were/weren't supposed to ......(fill in the blank)". Grrrr...I hated it. Lesson learned.
Your A may or may not use your own rules against you. It just popped in to my head so there it is.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
