The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't find myself feeling this horrible feeling often. I honestly believe no matter what, everything will be ok. I have very strong faith.
Being human however, I am again having a tough time. I was ok for a week or so, very serene and a calm inner me.
Nothing from the mortgage people yet. I only have until Dec. 12,2010. Meaning I have not gotten a modification contract yet. Once I do, the first payment is big, the next ones are my usual payments which I will barely be ok, BUT will be ok and we will have a home.
Right now the powers are reviewing all my info, no debts, but like power bills etc and my income.
Anyway I pray a lot and am always jabbering to HP and always feel him/his angels around me. I do my studying and listen to my meetings on speaker.
today I was blessed with a visit from two fun JW sisters. One I have known since the early 70's!
One day at a time, do my best to be the best person I can be.
At night as many helped me to see, I am dreaming uncomfortable dreams about trying to go home. Or trying to find home. I wake and am in tears. ugh.
I actually got my old 78 Chevy short bed going, after sitting for months. Drove him to the recycle/waste place 45 min away with my Pom Fezzik. Door does not latch shut, window won't roll up which is ok as I have to hand signal.
Um it was frozen out and cold so we bundled and put a feather blanket on us, off we went. Thank goodness they do not charge by the hour as it too me forever to mt it. But it is done. It helped my gut and heart to keep busy.
Rested a day, bones are screaming, but I had to do something again. Fezzik and I geared up and off to get hay for the big kids, horses, llama and my tall sheep Pammy.
Found the place after thank goodness it was not the house that looked like it was from the movie deliverance. I was NOT heading into there. We found the right nice people who loaded it for me.
He got 20 on my truck! pouring rain. We took the long beautiful drive home.
I sortof slid the bales 50-60 pounds to the tail gate then piled them nice by where I feed. Then put some in the barn. again sliding them, then moving them end over end. My fingers almost stayed in a scrunched position!
So I have learned to keep moving helps me thru this limbo of anxiety. BUT my body is screaming. I am almost 60.
It is not adviseable for me to do this stuff. But mentally....ugh
HP and thru Al anon which is very Bible based have taught me to take one day at a time.
The Bible says to do one day at a time as there are enough anxieties in one day.
It does help.
Let go and let HP. So I take deep breaths, breath out and remind myself it will be ok.
I am sharing with you as I am so disappointed in myself. I am working so hard to have faith. But am so frightned and scared.
With no family, my animals are family to me. They are what moves around me, parrot yaks, dogs are my companians. Being home bound becuz of disabilities home is my security, and where I feel content, ok.
I guess I don't have to explain, each of us knows how important our home is.
What is wrong with me? Am I just too tired for anymore change and loss? I have fought so hard for so many years to keep our home, care for the rescues who passed thru.
With HP we have helped the last of the rescues, I had to retire from taking in any more so just have geriatric ones now. The thought of having to find places for them, makes me sick to my stomach as they are old, this is home.
I lay in my fluffy nice bed with my dogs and cat and feel so safe. The thought of losing that feeling. ugh.
I need to hang on. How do you guys do it? I mean with out your guts screaming?
My rings are falling off, i have to wear suspenders under my blouses to keep my pants up. Eating is very difficult. very.
I don't know how people live with this.
Limbo is the worst, always have known that. Plus I like most of us don't like having someone have such control over such a vital part of my life. Plus they are the ones who have made this mess in the first place!!!
They offered me a loan mod with less interest, low payment and have bungled it for a year!
They would not allow payments, I sent some and they sent them back! They need to use the updated figures. rrrrrrr
With all I have been thru, this is one of the hugest pains/experience of my life.
I have come to really depend on the members on MIP. I have grown up so much here.
Just feel I am not doing this right, or dang just disappointed in me.
I know we don't give advice, but I would love to hear how you guys handle this.
Aloha Debber...I hear your pain and your fear. I have just walked thru that room and am always glad there is an exit door so I can get out of that world into God's world. I was told a long long time ago that the Al-Anon program is a spiritual program only and that it was a God thing. I have come to understand that that is true and that the key is trust and faith because I have tried to do it with and without that. Without trust and faith I'm really toast, mentally, emotionally spiritually and physically and the other way around I'm in a different world of course.
Another truth is that there are so many people who have and are having trouble with the mortgage industry and their protocols and processes. Looking on the net for groups or organizations who can support your efforts might be a help...kinda sorta like a mortgage recovery MIP group. You don't have any control over these people either and you have a power greater than them if you nurture the faith and hope in that HP.
Thinking of you, your needs and your peace of mind and serenity. My HP has you in mind also. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 28th of November 2010 05:11:21 PM
What is wrong with you, you ask? Not a durn thing - you are exactly the way you are supposed to be! :)
I, too, hate that limbo feeling. When I felt like I was in limbo pre-recovery, I always ended up making rash and impulsive decisions just to avoid feeling that way. Most of the time, the rash and impulsive decision didn't turn out well. Your story shows how a recovery program can change that impulsive behavior to avoid uncomfortable feelings that are just a part of life. Your recovery is inspirational to me.
I love reading stories of your home and your animals. They make me smile and warm my heart. You obviously love both very very much.
Even though we have faith, we're still human. It's the human part that feels scared and uncertain. The uncertainty isn't forever, though - it will be a blip on the horizon before you know it. I know you believe this - your HP didn't bring you all this way just to drop you on your head. :)
Anxiety is awful and we all have been in places where it seems to hold us hostage.
I try and remember that it is a bad feeling, but won't hurt me and that it will pass. I do my best to focus on things that are healthy for me, just as you are trying to do.
I can also relate to stress-induced weight loss- please take care of you and eat nutritiously.
With the start of the holiday season, I would not be surprised if the decisions regarding your mortgage were made towards or on the deadline. However, a decision will come to pass and you have my prayers along with other members of MIP that things go how you want them to go or even better.
I am having the very same feelings you are having right now, not the same issues causing it, but loss of weight, the thought of food makes me feel sick, feeling everything is about to crash around me.
I understand the dreams, I am dreaming of being somewhere but not knowing exactly where. I am dreaming of people from my past when we were young, but I wake with such dread of the day. I hate this for you and for me.
I do have a husband of many years, but all of this makes him angry at me and will lash out saying I am being selfish for not getting on with my life, I am letting my adult son's addiction control me. He is right, but my son almost died last summer and it did something to me that I can't explain here.
Lyndebi, I am really trying, really I am, I get up shower, dress and take care of my house as best I can, I work part time and see about our teen son, taking him to school, he has Asperger's Syndrome (high functioning Autism). My husband crushed me as he told me how the last years have been so miserable for him. I told him I could not force feed myself and I am doing the very best I can do. I reach out for his hand to hold but that is about all he will do is squeeze my hand back. I need words of encouragement, but he seems unable to do this for me.
I feel like such a coward, I have been told my faith is too weak and if I had more faith things will get better, but right now fear and anxiety is what I am facing and I feel like I am facing it alone.
I have pets too, that are a comfort to me (4 cats and 2 dogs). I have really no close family except my sister that has her own problems. I went to church this morning and feel like I am choking to death sitting there. I go about my life but inside I want to scream, run whatever it takes to get relief.
I will pray your mortgage will work out so you can stay in your home.
(((lyndebi))) I hate it when someone else has control over a major aspect of my life, too -- that's my ACoA legacy.
I also faced the prospect of possibly losing my house 12 years ago, and after the crisis had passed I started working toward building more security for myself -- gradually I put things in place so that I would never be in that position again.
I have a 78 Chev too!
The one consolation I would take is that I don't believe too many financial institutions want to own any more homes these days.
Sending positive thoughts your way.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
It's too easy when things are going well to forget to have gratitude, and it is so easy when things are tough to forget they do get better and there is light at the end of the tunnel, we just have to keep moving forward as best we can until we can see it. There is a plan even if we can't see it, and if we just keep doing the next right thing it will work out - usually in ways we don't expect.
Thank you for your sharing Lyndebi, it brought me back to myself and was a wonderful reminder of gratitude - it's amazing to think that even when you are experiencing so many challenges yourself, you are still able to help people around you. I find in the challenging times the best thing I can do for myself is to look outside myself because it can get pretty crazy on the inside. I almost forgot this after spending too long away from the programme and found myself again lost in my mind playing out scenarios and exhausting myself with imagined outcomes.
Because of my past (ACOA, sibling and owner of my own special addictive behaviors!) my default position in times of crisis is often panic. I have found taking my mind back to the calm safety and simplicity of the serenity prayer and really thinking about its meaning helps me get things in order. What really are the things I cannot change? What really are the things I could do something about if I only had the courage? Often due to my contrary nature I can on occasion gravitate towards hopelessness because I am busy obsessing about the things I can't change but ignoring the things I can.
Some calm reflection on the reality of what I need to accept and what I could if I prayed for courage change brings me back to a place of relative calm and fortitude. I think about how I want to feel and aim to feel thankful for that feeling as if it already is how I feel. This puts my attention into the positive space of what i want rather than focussed on the negative space of what i don't want and my mood lifts into a space of hope.
I also find that when I give myself love and remind myself that i am loved I feel better. Being surrounded by so many loving animals who you have poured love out to unconditionally will have given you lots of practice in loving unconditionally - I hope you are able to share some of that love with yourself. You most definitely deserve it.
Let the dogs out. Last night someone got in a tiff and I have two bloody fingers. )c:
Anyway I let dogs out, my hay is all strewn and a mess. I got it too close to the fence. another )c: Its frozen out.
Got it back nice. I think the dogs thought it was for them too and had climbed on it.
I woke feeling pretty horrible. Outside I thought, maybe someone wrote to me.
And you guys did not disappoint me and every share was priceless.
Morgie, your word of "courage" made me think. That maybe I do still have some in me. thank you.
Mary nothing is more powerful to me than knowing you are talking to the creator for me, thank you. I KNOW you of all people know how I feel. You are a gem in my life. carol you are right and I so relate. I always say we are living in disneyland here in the US. I look at my mountains and thank the creator every day. You reminded me to make sure I look at what I do have. Which is so much.
Hannah I giggled knowing you have a neat ole truck too. I LOVE my darn old man. he always starts and if he is sick, he just needs a new battery or gas! I put $700 dollars in him a few years ago instead of using it for a down payment on another vehicle.
I would not trade him for anything. I KNOW I can fix him with a piece of wire and rubber hose. haha You made me smile, thank you.
Oh Dreamielady, I would love hearing more about your Asperger son. I was blessed to spend lots of time with kids who had that. They were a blast. They get onto something and don't want to let go. And yes I sure can see what makes you feel as you do. I am sad knowing you have to wake up to your pain.
A child of ours is the worst to grieve over. Somehow we have to trust HP to be with them. hugs Maybe your husband does not know what to say. I used to get books and have my husband read to me. Maybe if you find a soothing book, he would read to you?
Hot rod how did anyone as cute and pretty as you come up with that nic?? Your words are always soothing to me. I always enjoy your shares to others. ok yes, I forgot. I am taking one day, but can do my best to take shorter chunks of time.
M 22, you are more than a member22, You are going thru so much and you take time to send me encouragement. That means soooo much!You can call me Debilyn. I had to rejoin and I could not get my right spelling to work, said there was another member or something. Huggen ya
Maire oh thank you. I honestly may pm you. That is so nice of you to offer.
Bud Yes you are right. I was thinking of going to my doctor, then thought, why? When I know what is going on I will feel better. to be honest Bud, I think being on effexor in the past, I was not able to feel anxiety. I kicked it and now, omg it is a horrible feeling!
I mean I had it before, lots, but I was given a very nice break for years....somehow it was easier to just know, no matter what everything will be ok. I tell people, how being anxious does not help over something we cannot control. WEll now I know a person just cannot help it! It did make me feel good to read your words, it is temporary. (c:
white rabbit, a blip, thank you. I related to that. Its is like my time with AH that was so bad, it is so gone now, and we are ok. It would be nice for this blip to be gone. And it will be won't it? Some don't have that hope. thank you for reminding me of that. Yes maybe hp knows I can handle anything, he maybe has faith in me. I don't want to disappoint him. (c:
Jerry thank you for sharing with me.Trust and faith. Trust. that is what I needed to remember too. I trust hp to know what I can handle. I trust in him that he made me so I will make things ok. He gives me the tools. You reminded me of that. When you said toast, my first thought was me as a burnt piece of toast with my head, arms and legs....
and OMGOsh YES. I will look for a yahoo group like that! It would help to share with others giving support and getting ideas! I had not thought of that. If there isn't one I can set up one. You know my inner me probably better than most. You helped me so much for being able to move past my loneliness for my past on family. I mean when it was drowning me.
Yes I see that too, now that you mention it. This is a spiritual place. I honestly did not ever put it that way.
Being a Jehovah's Witness, sometimes it is hard to be understood with others who are not. I am never made fun of here or questioned as to my beliefs though they are different, or I am very devout and really do my best to stick to the Bible as my guide. Thank you Jerry.
You know I did look at what might be available to me. I decided I am not going to let go of any of my animal family. That I will find a place for all of us. Even if I have to figure out a way to get a fifth wheel and put it in a barn to live. Where ever it would be, would be beautiful.
I get scared becuz I am not young anymore or middle age anymore. I have always moved myself, no help. I KNOW I cannot do that now. ugh I cannot think about it.
Need to stay right here in this hour.
You guys honestly are helping me so very much. I have not shared to anyone, face to face how I feel. I probably should.
You are such an inspriation to me...even when you are feeling down you somehow find the positive. I wish we lived closer cause i would gladly be your family I understand anxiety all to well. And I keep it in check most days but man when those bad panic attacks hit, i used to just pray for death cause surely that had to be better than the panic attack. Now I just pray and pray and pray until my HP releases my anxiety and replaces it with calm and peacfullness. Thank God for HP ( whom is God to me). I am praying for you everyday that all the mortage goes thru and you will get back on your feet financially. I sure can relate to the whole how re fi or re do of the mortage senerio. Blessings to you always!
thank you xeno. I have never gotten to a panic attack. I don't think I would. Mainly as I have you guys, of course HP first and my animals need me.
My kids and g son need me too.
When I think about not being here, I immediatly think no way as I have to care for these animals, especially my dog family. Each one of them is precious to me for different reasons.
You know once it hit me a couple weeks ago and I felt ok. Then I got a call from the mortgage advocate, with nothing new but it short me right down again!
Have not found that good place since. I am not good under pressure so I think when he said dec 12 it got me.
WEll I am taking a little at a time today, and if I think about it, I throw it off to hp.
You know, I lost everything, my family, my husband, my children, my home, my job, my health.
The only thing I had left was my integrity and I would not compromise that because without it I would have lost my faith.
It was my complete faith in God that He was greater than me, more powerful than me, and loved me more than any other person in the whole world could that finally proved to be the most precious thing. And, I don't know how He protected me and brought me through to the place I am at now, but there is no denying that I am where I am not because HE brought me through.
Through the worst of everything that faith served me well. Through the worst of everything I survived and worked my way through to a better place. Through the worst of the emptiness and the devastation and the wondering how on earth I would survive He brought me to a place that has now become a safe place, my home. And whatsomore He has surrounded me by family (His family) who love and care about me even more than I could ever have envised others loving and caring for me and more than my own has ever shown.
It is not the place I wanted to be and for ten years I fought long and hard to move away from it. Now - well I see it for the haven that God found for me.
I still have no family near. I still live alone. I still mourn the lost of my loved ones and my beautiful dream home and my wonderful job...but when I think of all that went with it I know that I am far better here, as I am, for God has given me the serenity that I need in order to live and support and care for others as He would have me do; and He also helps me to support my family when they allow me too, even if they are ungracious, and aggressive, and ungrateful and never acknowledge what I have done for them. Even when they come begging and pleading and screaming for help, which I freely give and then kick me in the teeth for it.
I have faith for YOU, when you are so distraught and fearful. I know what that is and I also know that you have an inner strength that no other person can take away. Your very being is a column of FAITH and you will survive and get through.
Sent with love,
Suzannah
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Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
First of all, NO ONE is exactly where they are supposed to be when they are sick, hurting, depressed, and in fear of losing their home. Debi's pets are her family, and fear of losing one's family is the worst of all. How dare anyone say she is where she should to be!
Debi, I think of you often and the good you do for your dear animals. If good deeds can take one to heaven, you, my dear girl, are on your way. If my prayers and positive energy will help you make it through this bad time, you can bet I am sending them by the bucket loads. As we enter this miraculous holiday season, may what or whomever you hold holy be with you. Hang in there. Feel better soon my friend.
My best wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thank you for your encouragement. This is not the part of life I do well with. I thought I did, but for some reason it is hitting me different this time.
I talk to hp all the time. I know it is in his hands. He has taught me so much, now it is up to me to continue to keep going.
Just wish my guts were not in a knot.
Susannah thank you for the pms/// you know I am thankful for you.
Hi my dear friend Diva, thank you for your words.
I think it may be more I am where I am, and I have to live and get through it. That hard times are how we grow.
You honestly understand where I am. My animals are my heart. It was how I was born. I am reading a true book called,"Modoc." About a child to mans story of him and his elephant companian.
His life is so horrible sometimes, I have to set the book down and skip ahead! But his love/loyalty to this animal is endless.
Loyalty is honestly one of the most important things to me. I am responsible for the animals in my care. I will do what I have to, to keep them cared for. Once they pass on, then I may do things different. But for now they are who needs me.
Woke up feeling crummy, was hoping to hear something today. nope.
Diva I value you and your thoughts so much. Have so much respect for you. You never hold back, you say what you believe. You are a fierce woman.
Again thank you for sharing with me and validating the darn pain I am in.
