The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi everyone, I'm so glad to have found this site. Please, please forgive the length, as I really need to get this out. Even if no one "listens." :) My husband has been a closet drinker our entire 4 year marriage, and probably for years before that. I didn't know the extent of it until Thanksgiving day. Usually he would appear "loopy," deny drinking, and if I didn't find any bottles, I'd believe him that it was because he hadn't eaten, was tired, or stressed. I would say, that's not normal, see a doctor, he'd promise, not do it, and repeat the cycle all over again another day.
Back story is my mother was a closet drinker, and would tell us she had a brain tumor or vitamin B deficiency when my brother and I thought she was drunk. Years later, I kept my children from her until she got sober, which she did, 19 years ago this month.
The fact that I am now dealing with this again, in an almost identical situation, is maddening. But on to the crisis-
At our family Thanksgiving dinner at my parents' house, he was drunk, couldn't use his fork, drooled, fell asleep at the table, and then went into my dad's office, in his chair that no one is allowed to sit in except by invitation (my dad's a fussy man), and vomited all over himself and the office. I cleaned him up, his 22 yo daughter and I cornered him about going to the ER, as he insisted he was sober, but worried he might have MS or some horrible disease. Got him there, naturally they saw through him and tested his blood. He has alcoholic hepatitis and spent 2 days there, came home yesterday. He's full of remorse, intent on stopping, and went to AA yesterday and will continue to go daily.
That is all wonderful news. But how do I deal with my anger? I am mortified and embarrassed about dinner, can't face my family, and so furious at him. But I know it's a disease, and yelling at him would be like kicking a crippled puppy. What do I do with it all? It's eating me up inside.
I also have 2 kids at home, 17 and 22. (he's stepdad) I am upset with myself for putting them through this. On top of all of this, my 17 yo daughter has had daily migraines for 15 months, no cause found, being treated, but has been in bed almost every day for that entire time period. I'm (he doesn't get involved) dealing with her pain, school issues, her on and off depression, doctor's visits, and the frsutration of seeing your child in bed, her last year's of high school, almost constantly. I feel as if dealing with him is just too much. He is a good, good man, loving, kind, responsible, but I am ready to break.
I feel for you really. I had my guy pass out on Easter dinner which I worked so hard to prepare and I ended up walking out. I didn't have to deal any family members though. I really don't know how to address that, but I think avoiding everyone is not fair to you.
I'm glad he is seeking help, but it's a long road. I'm glad you found the board and are seeking help for yourself. That's huge! I just want to say that you should stick with this program and find your own meetings. It had helped me incredibly and wish I had discovered it sooner, but I am here now and so are you. Keep working on your own recovery and the rest should end up working itself out.
I remember feeling such overwhelming anger for my A at the emotional strain he put our son through. He did one thing in particular that I found unforgivable and I still struggle with at times when my program isn't strong enough and I am moving in the wrong direction. That one thing was so blatantly cruel I found it difficult to see how even with this disease he could not have seen it. My anger overwhelmed me for a long time.
When I went for my step 5 my biggest issue was dealing with resentments. Some were so deep I didn't think I could work through them.
The wonderful reverend that I did it with said this to me.
"No one wakes up one day and says they are going to have children to be terrible parents, or to hurt their spouse, themselves or treat people unjustly or with little regard. No one wakes up and delightfully wonders who they can hurt today. Everyone does the best they can with the knowledge they have at the time".
When I apply that to how I hurt people all the time without realizing I am gentle on myself and strive to do better the next time. I can do that with my A too. My A is doing the best with what he has today and so am I. Thank you for posting this as a reminder of what I need to be remembering.
Have you been to any Alanon meetings for yourself? Alcoholism is a family disease, and has an effect on every family member. In the rooms of Alanon, you will find people that have been exactly where you are now, and who have been able to find peace.
Many, many of the new members that I see in my home Alanon group and that join the board have a tremendous amount of anger and/or sadness. Those are normal feelings - and even if you tell yourself that alcoholism is a disease, having your internal feelings begin to match that statement takes some time. Be patient with yourself today. I believe that anger can be a good catalyst to begin recovery - so, to that end, it is a positive thing. No need to take the anger out by yelling - but you could channel it into getting started on your own recovery, and go from there. :)
I, too, have an alcoholic mother and married an alcoholic husband - two of them, actually. The first one would hide his drinking and then convince me that I was imagining things if I asked if he was drunk. Forever, it seemed like I was the crazy one - and I really felt like it by the time I got here. I would hold things in until I just couldn't hold them in anymore, and then have a crying, screaming, irrational tantrum. I just couldn't help it. I did the best I could with what I had to work with, communication skills wise - and being raised in alcoholism, I realize now that wasn't much.
Realize, logically anyway, that you needn't be embarrassed about dinner. It was not you that acted badly. You do not need to own the responsibility for anyone else's actions - you have no reason to be apologetic or anything else. Give those feelings back to the alcoholic - his actions, his consequences. We learn in Alanon that the only feelings we are responsible for are our own.
Glad to see you here - you are in the right place. Please keep coming back, and if there are face to face meetings in your area, give them a shot. At my first face to face meeting, I didn't "get" it - I didn't undersand, and because I didn't understand, I told myself that it was not for me and I was not going back. A year and a half went by before I went back, and I don't advise my method. Even if you don't "get" it the way I didn't, give at least 6 meetings a try. You will soon begin to understand.
Aloha pamommy...in Al-Anon we offer suggestions of what worked for us and don't give advice. This is MIP so you can get a mixture of relief. The suggestion of getting to Al-Anon is what worked for me. I got that from calling the Al-Anon hotline number from the white pages of my local telephone book and I got the times and places where they met and the suggestion to go as fast as I could and when there get as much literature (most free) as I could and read it all then find a chair (lots of them) and sit down and listen and then hang around to talk with others if I felt the need. I was told "My very life depended" on the information she was giving me and she (whom ever that angel was) was right on. Of course there is more but that is my suggestion for you right now. Go find the number and make the phone call for yourself. Don't even try defining "him" or "the alcoholic" or any other statement that acknowledges that the disease is in your life. You didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it (3c's). For me the best thing that I did was follow up on that "angels" suggestion and go learn about the disease of alcoholism and my own part in it.
Thank you all... he had a good AA meeting tonight, and when he came home asked me to let it all out and tell him how angry I was. I felt really bad doing it but I do feel better now, and so does he. I am going to counseling Wednesday and hopefully that will help too.
My children have found al-ateen to be a wonderful resource/outlet for them. They found relief from the first visit they had there. While there they are free to talk about incidents or anything they wish to. They realise they're not alone.
Well you sure found the right place. We are happy to listen and give our own experiences, strenght and hope. First pls take the suggestion and find yourself alanon meetings and alateen meetings for your teenager. Frankly I am more worried about your teenager and her migraines and depression. Here is my own experience with her behavior. Our best friends son had many of the same syptoms thru his high school years. They had every test run on him imaginable as well as therapy and meds. When he graduated HS he moved out of the house to college campus and his symptoms went away for the most part. I should say here he didn't come from an A family. Finally after a few years of living on his own he finally felt strong enough to talk to his parents about his inner turmoil that he never shared in therapy or anyone else. Ya know kids just don't process things then same as adults so it is hard to see things thru thier eyes. Once he shared with his parents he honestly just fine after that. So your daughter ( and I am just speculating here) may be taking your husbands drinking very personally and is feeling respondsible or ashamed or a host of other things that go thru kids minds. Which is why I bring up alateen for her. She will find she is not alone and will have a support group of her peers that are dealing with the same thing. Now back to you. As your mother was an alcoholic and your father lived with it for so many years they totally "get" where your husband is at. There is absolutly no reason for you to feel any shame what so ever for his behavior. Your parents understand, they have already been down this road. Do not take responsibility for the actions of your husband. It is his job to make apologies not yours. Closet drinkers seriously just astound me. They are so sure they are keeping it all on the down low and making excuses for thier behavior when, once one gets out of denial can see clearly exactly what is happening. My son is an addict and would secrectly get "high" then go about his business thinking in his mind that he is acting perfectly normal when in fact he is barely able to stand on his feet, however if you confront him he will turn it around into a different senerio. Now you know the truth...the only question is where you go from here You cannot change your husband or his disease you can only change you In working the Alanon program you will get educated on this disease, gain tools to help you deal/live with this disease. You will not get anymore support and love anywhere than you will in an alanon meeting. Total understanding with no judgement. While all our stories may differ a bit we have all stood in your shoes, felt your feelings and totally understand what you are dealing with. Pls find meetings for you and your girls, work the program and it will save your sanity and your life...i promise you that Blessings
Thanks again... I found a meeting I can go to next Monday (rural area, not many meetings). I will definitely be there. I talked with my mom tonight and I was shocked at how unforgiving and judgmental she was. She and my father want me to leave him, and she was just so mean about it. I really was taken back. She is blaming him for doing this "to me." She of all people should know it's not about ME it's about his addiction. I told her as much. Does she forget what her drinking did to all of us, yet we loved her and stood by her while she got well?
She just kept saying, he has to take responsibility, he has to do what he needs to do... three AA meetings in the three days he's been home, seeing the doctor today and going to therapy I guess isn't enough for her. I understand they are still very angry now, and I hope that compassion will come. Although, I don't know if it will, because she has shown zero compassion for my daughter. Let me add that my brother was an alcoholic/bipolar and died by suicide a few years ago, which made my parents both very harsh. But for crying out loud, who made them the perfect human specimens?
Wanted to add, that the connection between his drinking and her migraines hit me too... We're also all in therapy with the same counselor so I'm hoping she can connect some dots, if there are any to connect.
