Question on how to work on ME in a certain situation - Al-Anon Family Group

sdisnie · Senior Member

Question on how to work on ME in a certain situation

kimmy1975 · Veteran Member

I am no expert because I am still new to alanon, however from what I have learned here, you have the right to do what you feel is right for your life.

I have never been in the situation that you just described. But I have a few thoughts of how I think I might respond if I were in your situation.

My first thought is that I would be so worried about what was going on that I would want to find out every detail, how he was doing, where he was, etc.

On the other hand, another thought that crossed my mind is that what purpose would finding out all the nitty gritty details serve? Would it put my mind at ease, or would it make me worry even more, and regret finding out all the details? If I found out all of the details, is knowing the details going to change what I need to do to take care of myself, or is it going to derail my recovery process? If I don't find out the details, is it going to change what I need to do to take care of myself, or is it going to derail my recovery process? If I find out the details, is knowing going to change the fact that what is going on are circumstances that are way beyond my control? If I don't find out the details, is knowing going to change the fact that what is going on are circumstances that are way beyond my control?

I guess what I am trying to say here is I would need to look at my motivation behind wanting to know the details versus not wanting to know the details. If wanting to know the details is out of pure concern and love for the A in my life, then I would be more likely to want to know what was going on. If wanting to know the details was to try to regain control over the A, then I would do my best to steer clear of finding out any details at all because that would mean that the focus is off of myself, and on someone and something I have absolutely no control over.

I hope the things I said can be of some help to you. Take what you like and leave the rest. Just know whatever you decide to do, we are here to support you 100%. The important part here is to take care of yourself as best as you can, despite the circumstances.

Take care and keep coming back.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

One tool that might work is the "God" box.. An old cigar box or the like taped
up so that you can't get into it. Cut a slot in the top of it and then write this
situation down on a piece of paper so God can read it and fold it up and drop
it in the box. Remember tape the box up solid so you can't get back into to
it and grab back what you have no control over.   Leave the God box where you
won't forget it for the next time cause the insanity doesn't go away when the
alcoholic is trying to run his own show.   Detoxing an alcoholic with alcohol must
be some kinds of new idea. go figure.

Take care of yourself...focus, focus, focus and practice, practice, practice. If
you don't have a sponsor get one and always get to a meeting as soon as you
can.   (((((hugs))))) smile

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

SD, you told him no drinking in your home. Not that your not entitled to your boundaries.

You made a boundary , a good one, so he will show you!!! Been there, many times.

Turn it over to your HP.

When he is ready to sober up, he will.!!!

The question here is what are you going to do when he does.?? or doesnt??

Like Jerry said, take care of yourself and practice, practice, practice.

luv, Bettina

clep · Senior Member

I remember when my A left and went on a year binge. At that time I was not in Al-anon. I sat on the computer with his passwords finding out all that I could. I didn't know of anyone that knew about him. All of his party friends wouldn't dream of sharing what was going on with me.

Looking back I was not even living anymore. It didn't matter what I found out really. If I thought he was doing well I was upset he wasn't doing that with me and if he was doing poorly I was upset he wouldn't just get help and do what he needed to do. Either way I was taking all my energy that would have been better spent on me and my own situation than in an area I could not control or fix.

I lost a year of my life really. I worked, paid bills and cared for my son, but did none of those things with any enthusiasm. I was emotionally unavailable. I didn't find out the all details later until he did a step nine with me but I did know most of them through my snooping. Knowing didn't help and even if I wanted to know because I care about him, it still made no difference. The more I knew, the more I worried because I cared so much.

Looking back the binges he was on were needed for him to get into recovery. When I was no longer present to blame his addiction on, it aided him in recognizing where the real problem lies.

Had I known then what I know now, I would probably be detaching with great difficulty and lots of practice. I would take a class, find a new hobby, read some self help books, spend quality time with my children, talk to my hp often and do lots for me.

ythannah · Senior Member

When my ABF (we don't live together) was on one of his binges in the past, which usually lasted about 10 days and landed him in the hospital on two occasions, I got busy.

I threw myself into one of my home projects. During his binges I have painted and wallpapered rooms, torn up carpets, accomplished major cleaning or organizing tasks, and dug out new flower beds. On rest breaks, I used to hang out on here.

I needed something to concentrate on, to take my mind off the awful neverending worry and anxiety about his wellbeing. And I needed something to give myself a sense of my own competence and accomplishment, because I felt so helpless and useless in the face of Aism.

It was also helpful to be up a ladder painting a ceiling so that I didn't run every time the phone rang. biggrin

Bambina10 · Member

The answer to your question is IGNORE IT, even if you have the right to ask.
Dont even waste your time, you cant be a detective all the time, you cant be a coach, psychiatrist or even chase after him like a pitbull.
Even if you ask or throw a tantrum does not guarantees an honest answer from those people.
And honestly, it's not entirely their fault, they might think they are helping or they are a good samaritan, who knows.. there's social ignorance and lack of education about this matter. And as you know, alkies can be very manipulative.
After all, his friends did not enter into a marriage covenant with you, your AH did, so he owes you answers. So let it go. If they need to reach you they will figure out how, people gets very resourceful when facing trouble or are fed up with a situation.
Leave him there, I promise you next time he calls they will blow him off,, let them learn how difficult it is to deal with an active alc.
I learnt this the hard way. Do you want to hear something funny? My husband it's been on a binge for a few days, no friends will open the door to him, he went and knocked on my first husband's door and he opened the door... he 's crashing on his couch now drinking!! How ridiculous is that??? The first day I askd my ex- to send him home and my ex said "he doesnt want to.." I was furious and then I thought "oh ok.. then he can stay.." Right now he is desperate to get him out of there.!
Does it hurt? Definitely. But I need to function whether he is around or not and if I focus all my energy on him then other things get neglected i.e. kids, house, etc.
As I said before, choose your battles. Is this battle worth to join when you know he's done it 1,000 times before and will continue whether you approve of it or not?
Children will be alrite, sit with them and explain the dynamics of the disease, usually they are fearful when they dont know all what's going on but if you inform them and you guys share time voicing how their dad's disease affects the household it can be healing and decrease their anxiety.
Remember they need you strong because by now they've figure out their dad cant be, not all the time at least.
As for your statement "not drinking in my house" I'll probably word that differently next time, yo can be firm and assertive but dont be too harsh, dont forget he really cannot help it but still needs some love not just punishment.
Hope it helps.Keep us posted.
B

-- Edited by Bambina10 on Monday 29th of November 2010 10:22:06 AM

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