The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So my Abf has told me, a couple weeks ago, that he was going on the wagon with smoking/drinking. I know when he has been staying with me that he doesn't do those things. As far as at his own home, I have no idea what he does. I figure that is a topic that he can bring up if he chooses to talk about his progress. I am not going to ask or harrass him. He has held up his end by not doing it in front of me.
He invited me over to his house last night. I emailed him and told him that if he was going to be doing the "usual" that he does on his days off to let me know because I was not going to come. If that happened, it would result in me getting upset and going home. I was trying to avoid that.
He said that that wasn't going to happen. It ended up that I didn't go for some other reason, but he started getting defensive about it by today. He said I expect the worst from him and he doesn't want to hear a bunch of bitching. I don't. This is something that I am letting him work on at his own pace. I am not going to get all bitchy and involved. If he wants to speak of his progress, then I am open to listen, not advise. I will help if I am asked, but that's it.
I thought I was making a boundary and told him that I only said anything because I need to protect my well being. Was I really being wrong? Please tell me the truth. What can I learn from this?
Member, you can learn you are doing absolutely the right thing: "...... then I am open to listen, not advise. I will help if I am asked, but that's it." Don't let him manipulate you into thinking/doing anything different - just keep telling yourself - you are right. You are probably doing more than he deserves.
Thank you Tattyhead. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I sometimes need a reality check in dealing with this guy. He has manipulated me a long way and I am just trying to get my dignity back. He cannot take that away from me again.
It's just that once on the board, I kind of got my feelings hurt by someone telling me that, I don't know, that I wasn't following the guidelines. I felt really badly about it and it made me think. It made me able to see both sides I guess, but I still felt bad.
It's nice to hear once in awhile that I am doing things ok.
Nope - not wrong! You are absolutely entitled to have whatever boundaries you decide you need to protect yourself. No two people's boundaries are exactly the same - and nobody is wrong.
I have to do a check for myself when I'm setting a boundary to make sure it's actually something I am doing for me and not an attempt to get the other person to change their behavior. Seems like your motives were spot-on - so no issue there! I think the thing to keep in mind is that alcoholics are good at turning things around, and when that happens, it is easy to second guess yourself. Have confidence - your boundary, your decision, your recovery!!
Before my marriage ended in divorce, I set a boundary too, I no longer wanted to be around the drinking. I asked him to let me know if he was planning on it, I would make other plans. Within a year, he moved out.
Was my boundary wrong? My marriage ended.
My sponsor always suggested that I weigh my options by asking myself this question, "What can I do with the least amount of regret?" Would I regret losing him? Or would I regret not taking care of myself?
I stuck with the boundary, I needed peace. That was my choice. No right, no wrong.
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
The lovely thing about this program is you get to take what you like and leave the rest. And your success is measure by YOU and no one else.
You do not have to take on unearned guilt from someone else based on a boundary you have set.
My slogans change out based on what I need at the time. Currently what runs through my head when I face a challenge "This is MY life." There is no disputing that. What I do with it is up to me and no one else.
You are doing just fine.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
It is MY life and I do need peace and I do need confidence! I can have all of those things if I stay strong and this program is helping me do just that. Now I am on to the next one..
Going by your share, it sounds like you have made your boundaries known and he has been a gentleman and respecting them.
He may of thought you would expect the same respect when you came to his home. By saying I cannot come if you do the "usual" may have hurt his pride. ? I don't know.
It sounds like it was a minor misunderstanding. YOU of course had the right to ask for what you want. I like the,"we teach others how to treat us" phrase. Shows your progress, and it shows you want things to go well with him by making your desires known!
I don't know what makes anyone else say or do what they do. But maybe he took the way you put it as "bitching" though you only wanted to make your boundary clear. Or maybe he did not know how to tell you how it felt for you to say that to him.
We cannot know how what we say will be taken by someone else. Maybe you could just ask him if it hurt his feelings when you said that? That you were asking for reassurance that he was not going to drink or smoke. That you wanted to spend time with him.
To me hon it sounds like you did just fine. But again we don't know if others will take it the way we meant it.
HOpe you guys talk and are ok. Glad, so glad you came here and shared.
