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I had to do everything I could to maintain my composure last night. We went downtown to see the parade of lights, and to see the the lighting of the christmas tree. We found a place that was a restaurant that had outdoor seating where we had a great view of the parade. When we got there and got sat down, the kids were saying they were hungry and thirsty, so AH went inside the restaurant and got something to eat for the kids, and a glass of wine for himself. He set everything down, and went back to get something to drink for me and the kids, and he also came back with a beer for himself. He hadn't even touched his wine yet. As he was drinking his alcohol, he reached across the table and handed me the car keys. At least he was being responsible at that moment by handing me the keys.
We watched a good bit of the parade, then decided to go to a BBQ restaurant to get warm and so AH could eat. After he finished eating, we left and went to his friend's house. His friend is such a raging alcoholic, that it makes AH look like he doesn't have a problem with alcohol at all. We hadn't seen his friend in a long time, so this was the first time that his friend has been around him since he started drinking. Of course his friend thought it was just so cool that AH is drinking again so they could drink together last night. I know AH drank quite a bit last night at his friend's house, but I honestly don't know how much because I refused to focus too much on him and keep count. I could just tell he had quite a bit because his eyes were looking very glassy and droopy, which is a telltale sign that he's had a lot to drink. AH's friend's girlfriend lives with AH's friend, and she was drinking too. She was clearly drunk. I can't tell you how many times she spilled her beer. She was slurring her words, was talking loud, and when anyone would talk to her, she would forget what she was saying so she repeated herself several times. And of course AH's friend was drunk too, but he's drank so much for so long, that he functions pretty well even though he may have had a case of beer all by himself. He just gets goofy when he is drunk, but his telltale sign that he is drunk is that his eyes slightly cross.
So here I am in a house full of drunk people, and of course I am sober because I don't drink. I haven't drank since I was 21 years old, and I am now 35. I honestly believe I am allergic to alcohol, because when I did drink when I was 21, I could drink half of a wine cooler and would be violently ill within an hour. So I have absolutely no desire to drink. I can't even stand the smell of it. Brings back too many bad memories of getting violently ill, and also from abuse that I suffered from my ex because he was also an A. I was so uncomfortable last night because of everyone else being drunk. It was such a relief to get out of there. I think the next time AH wants to go hang out over there, I am going to decline going because I never want to be put in that situation again. If he does go over there by himself and drinks, I am going to have to put down a boundary saying that it is up to him to find his own way home because I am not going to stop what I am doing to come get him since his friend lives a good 30 minutes away from us. I will tell him he will either have to take a cab home and figure out a way to get his vehicle home some other time, or stay the night with his friend and come home in the morning if he is too drunk to drive home. And then I will just have to hope and pray that he won't be stupid enough to actually attempt to drive home.
I truly hate this disease, and I truly hate how sick this disease is making me. I have my good days with recovery, but I also have my bad days. I did good by not focusing on AH for the most part, but once I was around three drunk people at the same time, it just became way to overwhelming. Once we got home last night, AH asked me a few times if I was ok. The truth was I wasn't ok, but I told him I was because I knew getting into a conversation at 12:45am about how I wasn't ok while he was clearly drunk wasn't going to be a productive conversation. So instead I just rolled over in the bed, and went to sleep, and he did too.
Thanks for letting me share.
__________________
Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
What became of the children , were they exposed to all this drunkedness?
Yes telling him he needs to get a ride home if you do not want to go, is a good boundary.
Alcoholics take advantage of every situation, he knew you were out with the children and you wouldnt start a discussion in front of them and its the holiday season.
My X always started up his drinking during the holidays. Your right to feel upset, who wants to be around 3 drunks?
Keep up the good work and keep coming back.
Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Saturday 27th of November 2010 11:42:08 AM
Yes, unfortunately they were exposed to it. They were so busy playing though, that I don't think they noticed to it too much. And if they did notice it, they didn't seem to be too affected by it as they were playing a lot. However, I would prefer that they not be exposed to any of it at all. Just because they didn't act as if they were affected by it, doesn't mean they weren't. And if they weren't last night, doesn't mean they won't be in the future either. I just hate that they are growing up seeing AH drink, and for it to be "normalized". Alcoholism is not something that should be normalized, in my opinion, and it just breaks my heart knowing that they are having to be exposed to it. I really thought that AH would forever remain sober since he had 9 years of sobriety, but that goes to show how much I really knew about alcoholism. I know a lot more now that I knew then, now that I am in alanon, but it still doesn't make it any easier knowing that my kids are being exposed to this nonsense.
__________________
Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
It's good that you came up with decisions for the future when it happens again. Decisions for yourself is what the program is about cause you cannot change him or cure him or be the cause for when he drinks. I use to work with kids who were children of alcoholics and addicts...they always know and if they have one sober parent with them when it is going on they feel more secure. Your share brings back memories...Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Kids see it all, hear it all believe me. You are so wise not to put you or them in that situation again.
Kids are like sponges, they notice things we don't. Also may misinterpret what they do see.
If parents drink in front of kids to being drunk, to kids it is ok if they do it too. These days they are starting it earlier and earlier.
In my experience the best thing to deter kids from picking that bad path is to help them find their passion.
Encourage what they love to do. Also all of us who have an A as a parent to our kids MUST talk to kids about Addiction and how they are predisposed to having that same problem.
You sound like you are handling things with great progress!
Larry - I am doing well. I work during the day so the only way I can access this site is with my phone. Too hard to keep up with the chat with mirc on my phone, so I don't do the morning meetings during the week. I typically make the weekend meetings though.
__________________
Kimmy
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
