The material presented
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Just found out my husband has been using pot for the past two years I didn't have a clue. I have never seen him take a sip of alcohol or seen him under the influence of any other substance. He was sober for 10 years. When we met he was sober for 1 year. My emotions are really mixed. He's back in AA. It's only day 3. I am going to Al-Anon mtgs. for the first time. We have two children. I feel pretty stupid and unsure of the future. I really don't know how to handle this situation. Not sure I can do this, I am angry about the lies. Any advice.
Advice ? find a couple of meetings u like and be consistant in your recovery ,there is nothing you can do about him or anything you can do about (this) get the focus on you where it belongs and leave him to AA he\s back in meetings and thats a good thing . cunning baffling and powerful is how this disease is described by those recovering from it ,there is no reason to feel stupid or to take it personally his using is not about you its his problem leave it with him where it belongs.
My A was using cocaine for a year and I didn't have a clue. It didn't make me stupid but I felt that way at the time. It's great he is back in AA. Good for you that you are going to Al-anon. It can be really hard and I too have been and am still unsure of the future. I think many times a day that I don't know if I can do this. Well I was more last week than I am now but we just had a bad one and I am thinking it again. Arggg.
I know in my situation I can only do what is right for me and leave my significant other to do what is right for him. I try to concentrate on myself even though I don't always do that. I still struggle with it all the time, but when I slip, I get back up and try again. I will get it, I just need to be gentle with myself and work my own program. Only then will things get better for me.
I have felt "stupid" even though I know I am far from "stupid". I imagine you are also very far from "stupid" .
Please talk to yourself like you would a dear friend or loved one, it has helped me.
It really helps when I feel "stupid" or less than or depressed to make a grateful list.. small to large, From my dog to the neighborhood I live in to my beautiful children, to an excellent piece of chocolate cake. The more on the list the better. It is impossible to feel negative emotions while being grateful.
Hope this helps bring you peace of mind, when I first heard of a grateful list it seemed like a "blow off" suggestion as I felt I needed help with the facts of my situation,
Well the facts were I didn't cause it, I couldn't control it and I could not cure it so it actually made alot of sense to work to not react to it.
The more love and acceptance I can find from good sources (like alanon meetings and supportive healthy friends or family) the stronger I feel.
I have a similar situation to you. One thing that brought me great peace and comfort when I started al-anon in July was that the program says you should go to al-anon meetings for 6 months before you make a decision about leaving/staying. My 6 months will be "up" in January.
My AH was sober for five months and then relapsed this week.
The weight of all his lies is crushing.
I am so happy to have found al-anon and know that I could not be working through this situation without the meetings, books, and now this forum.
In January I am going to really analyze everything that has happened over the last year and in our relationship. We may have to separate.
My only advice to you is to go to meetings, read, and give it some time. The emotional rollercoaster ride you are experiencing is intense, but it is necessary to feel it.
I didn't know either...I didn't know and didn't even know that I didn't know. I was absolutley clueless about my alcoholic wife's using and drinking and I wouldn't have been able to spell alcoholic or alcoholism in a spelling test. When you get to the meeting keep a wide open mind. The meeting will encourage you to do that right at the end. "If you keep and open mind you will find help." That was the first promise Al-Anon made to me that the program kept...you will get tons of help and you need to keep coming back to get it. Glad that you found MIP also...this is 24/7 miracle making at its best.
So get to that meeting...early so that you can sit and talk or listen to the fellowship and friendship talk. There is a lot of love in the room and when you ask "help please" (I did that also) in the rooms of the Family Groups the help with come with names and bodies. Good luck and keep coming back here also. (((((Hugs)))))
All I can say is, my bottom brought me to the program, and the program brought me to my Higher Power, it's become an amazing journey.
No doubt, it seemed like a curse in the beginning, but what I've found is, life is full of paradox.
You are in the right place, and you don't have to do this alone, you have this incredible fellowship to walk this journey with you. It's understandable that you are upset about the lies, but I feel very glad for you that he is in AA, there is good reason to have hope. My A never did choose recovery.
Try to detach and focus on your own recovery right now. Give yourselves some space and recovery time. Your life events have brought you to an opportunity to grow spiritually, that is my experience. It really does get better. (((hugs)))
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I'm assuming you feel "stupid" because you didn't see this coming, or wasn't aware of what was happening. I know I was like this too and still am at times, questioning past decisions that in my mind led to some unfavorable outcome in the present. I still think this at times. But I'm also coming to appreciate the idea that we are not fortune tellers. I can't predict the future. Things happen all the time that I could never forsee. I have to come to believe that I can't predict what will happen and can't hold myself accountable for every little thing that goes wrong, including my marriage. It's useless to focus on this (even though I find it hard not to) and all I can do is the best I can with the information I have.
Well, if you are "stupid" due to not knowing, then you have a heckuva lot of company here, myself included....
The reality is - addiction is a "cunning and baffling" disease, and can easily fool the best of us... Try not to beat yourself up, and choose recovery for YOU...
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Sadly I didn't even know my ex AH was on Heroin! He was maintaining and was not showing anything like he was loaded!
Sometimes it puts them in a better place, it is like medicine to them.
My son has a medical pot license. You would not know or be able to tell when he uses it. My family is very sensitive to most medicines so thank goodness this does work for him. He does not use it when he works however.
Anyway just does not matter. We learn to look at our own path, not theirs. We just have to decide if it bugs us, if we choose to still be involved with them. Or if we can learn to live with it and lovem anyway.