The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well so much for him working his own program. He has just shared with me how manipulative I am being on this site. He says I am twisting things around so I will have everyone stroking me and so I will hear the responses that I want.
I am so disgusted. I am so angry with him and I am at the point of kicking him out. I wish he would just concentrate on his own damn program and leave me alone.
I am trying to do that. He wanted more cigarette money and I am so sick of this. We really can't afford it. I have spent thirty dollars on myself in the last two months since I quit and he is ragging on me that I bought a pizza the other night. He has cigarettes all the time. Man I am so sick of dealing with this sick individual.
Whatever. He can read what I write. He can say I am manipulative all he wants. Probably pisses him off when he sees me being truthful and receiving the responses that mirror what I say to him. Well most of them except the ones where I need to concentrate on my self and lower my expectations. :)
I felt like going and reading his writing book but I won't because I need to be me no matter who he chooses to be.
Turns out he has been hanging out reading even the post I put up an hour ago. Man no wonder he isn't making any progress concentrating on me like this.
Edited to say: I just realized he asked about what pictures our son was talking about when our son mentioned it. He knew already what they were for and that I had ordered them for my scrap booking tonight. He made out like he didn't know and questioned me on them. Wow. Sometimes I think he is making progress, then something like this happens.
-- Edited by clep on Friday 26th of November 2010 08:15:01 PM
I am so sorry. I just can't stand the feeling of being spied upon, or betrayed, or whatever you call it. I'm glad you are better than snooping into his life. You are so much better than that.
You are sticking to YOUR program and that is what is important. You know that, as you have said it. Stay with the plan and be true to yourself.
We alcoholics are fearful types. We need to be incontrol or at least think that we are. Self centered to the extreem we beg that the world see it and do it our way or else we are lost in the crises of our own making. Left to a world of our own making we discover that we don't know how and need to hunt for others to blame for the destruction that falls around our own feet. There is a God we can turn to for help and direction but how many of us can perceive of a life dependent upon a Power Greater than ourselves or even that such a Power exists. There is a program, a world wide fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous ready to help us identify our problem and offer solutions that work for millions of others yet what is demanded is that we get willing and honest at the very start. Until then we will allow others to own the consequences of our own responsibilities until we no longer can.
He's afraid Clep...very. Keep on with your own recovery. In support ((((hugs))))
I would change my password to access this site, simply because it is a boundary for myself. I cannot change the alcoholics behavior, the only thing I can change is me. As a general rule I no longer mention the alcoholic in my life, it is not necessary if I am looking at me, my feelings, my behaviors. I was asked "does it really matter who anyone else inolved is? does it matter if they are alcoholic or coworker? " As soon as I realised the truth was no, it did not matter, that is when I really began looking at me, and no one else's behavior. Don't know if that helps any, but I do know the alcoholic in my life is still here, and we get along much better today. And they are not in any program. Whether or not they ever change, is not my concern, nor any of my business, my concern is to take care of me, and if that means changing the password, that is what I would do. It is the only part I see there that I would be able to change. Or I could accept that they read what I write, thereby telling myself that it is ok for them to do that, and if that is the case, then I cannot be the victim, I am volunteering to allow it. And when I volunteer, I now have a part and a responsibility in the situation.
I also believe he is afraid. Usually he is the one to leave but he seems afraid I will kick him out and rightly so. I have told him many times that I don't want to live like this and it appears to me that parting is inevitable under the circumstances.
I need to talk less and just make my decisions. I love him deeply, but I also believe that I need to set boundaries here.
I don't really want him gone, but don't want him here either. Arggg. I feel like this situation is impossible. I really feel that way though when I am letting him get to me and when I am not I am usually okay.
Anyone can go on this site and read everything without being a member. He didn't access my account. He simply came onto the site and read everything. The only way I can not allow it is to no longer post. I am not really concerned about if he reads what I write as what I write is accurate. I am just upset that he views me so poorly now based upon his own distorted perceptions.
When I asked him why he questioned me about the pictures I ordered when he already knew, he said he was just checking to see if I would lie to him about them. My program dictates honesty to myself and others so lying is not an option if I truly want to get better.
I allowed him to bait me into an argument which I need to work on. I tried so hard today with that. Doesn't matter what I try though. If I say I do not wish to talk anymore he will just keep on. If I ignore him he will just keep on. Right now that is my biggest issue. How to deal with it I don't know. I have tried everything I am reading about in my new books and with my Al-anon program.
I just don't know where I am going wrong.
On a positive note I did go and do my scrap booking that I have wanted to try for so long. I loved it and made some great pages. This is my new hobby for sure. Exciting. Something healthy to nurture myself.
Time to go read some more of my new books and get some sleep.
Thanks for your ESH. I will be reading these responses again. Need to keep a couple of these responses fresh in my mind.
I have been faced with so many reasons to backslide and start focusing on my ex's behavior recently. When he does unhealthy things it's like a red flag waving in front of a bull -- I find it so hard to take my attention off it and not react. I'm reminded of something my therapist said once: "You get many chances to practice your health behavior." When another thing would come up, she would say, "Here's another chance to practice your healthy behavior!" She was so darn positive!
As long as we stick with people who aren't in recovery, we'll have even more chances to practice detaching and refocusing. It's amazing to me how each time my ex does something, I'm shocked and sucked in -- as if he had never displayed unhealthy behavior before, as if it were personal.
I think you are so wise in knowing you shouldn't get dragged into the arguments. Especially arguments about what's "reality" -- whose reality is right and whose is wrong. Keep on focusing on your own recovery and your own life. Maybe your A will have a look over at the AA boards when he's done reading ours.
As long as we stick with people who aren't in recovery, we'll have even more chances to practice detaching and refocusing.
Wow what a profound statement to me. My A is in recovery and I am so upset that he is not really grasping it. I have been so upset with his behaviors especially trying so hard to bait me into a fight.
This statement changes so much for me. I don't have to think the way I have been and be upset about it. For years I have had the idea that every mistake I make is a celebration as it aids me in growth. I may not make those mistakes again as I will have grown in those areas, and I will just make mistakes in others. That is easy for me though because I am the only one involved.
I need to be applying your statement to the challenges I have with others. I can celebrate and be grateful for each behavior he exhibits that brings me grief, because those behaviors and the way I choose to apply them to my recovery aids me in growth.
Amazing. I woke up and read the message you sent on my iphone. I got up, had a shower, made myself look nice for the first time in weeks and am about to spend some much needed time with my son. Thank you!!!!!! That changed my whole thought process.
I used to do the same things. My A was trying to have access to our son an under the circumstances at the time that was not healthy for our son. I was in a fight for our son's life and I was going to do everything I could. I sneaked and got all the information I could possibly need to prove my case in court.
To be honest though it wasn't just that. Even if my son had not been a part of it I would have done that anyways. Maybe not to that extreme, but the behavior would have been there anyways. I felt that I "needed" to know where he was at. I based my decisions on where he was at in life. I was co-dependent to the extreme.
I have had that urge return to me many times in the last couple of months, but have not caved to that thankfully. When the urge strikes I know I need to work on myself. I don't want to have that feeling anymore much like you when I am fearful I will get caught. It is a terrible feeling looking over my shoulder that I don't want to carry with me anymore.
This particular thread has been a real eye opener for me. I am actually feeling peace not having to try to control what he is doing and remembering that each thing he throws at me makes me stronger in my program and that much closer to who I want to be.
I have spent time with my son, made us a nice breakfast and then stopped. I actually went and invited my A to have breakfast with us. We sat and had a family breakfast together and then he asked me to go sledding with them both. We are all working on our son's room first and then sledding we go.
I would normally be letting him know in subtle and some not so subtle ways how much I disprove of what he is doing. I don't have to obsess about it today and if I do tomorrow, all I need to do is remember how I feel about myself today and make choices that bring me that feeling all over again.
