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ok, so I'm trying really really hard to detach with love and set boundaries. I nicely told my AH while he was sober one day that we would no longer be having series talks while he is drunk. Also, that when he's drinking, I will try to longer get upset about it (I've been doing really well with that) and just concentrate and focus on me and this means that I probably won't want to be around him when he's drunk. I told him I don't like being around him while he's been drinking for lots of reasons we've gone over a thousand times and that when this happens, I will walk away or go do something else.
Well. It's not easy!!
Whenever this happens, my AH will follow me around like a lost puppy, "are you mad" he says over and over again. "Do you think I'm drunk" he says over and over again while his eyes are half open and he's falling over!!!
I don't know how to handle this. I have an 11 year daughter who is usually in the house so I don't like locking doors cause then he gets mad and will raise his voice or kick the door or something. He won't ever get violent, just yell once and hit the door or kick it maybe a few times and move on.
If I can, I will take my daugher and leave - we go bowling or to the mall or a movie whatever but this is not always an option.
So, when I can't leave...what do I say. Here is how it plays out.
AH "are you mad at me"
me "are you mad at you?" .. "I'm ok right now, are you"
AH" Why are you being like this - what are those alanon people telling you! Why are they telling you to be ike this"
me "Be like what, I'm fine, I'm going to read my book now"
AH "Is this the thing you're doing cause you think I'm drinking!? Do you think I'm drunk? Why!?? How could I drink...I have no credit cards, no job, you see the online banking and I'm going to AA...how would I drink danielle...tell me, how would I! I'm not, why do you think that??! I'm doing so good...i'm so proud of myself "...(while he's pale, droopy eyes, falling over and mumbling!!) So delusional!!!
me: "Yes, i think you've been drinking and I don't like being around you while you are treating me like this and acting like this so I'm going to read"
AH is now bawling his eyes out and says as he falls to his knees on the floor: "I'm so sorry for everything I've done to you - I love you so so much and I promise you I"m not drinking, I'm doing so good, I'm so proud of me, don't you see it, how come you don't see it - how could I be getting alcohol, what do i need to do to get you to see I'm not drinking".
i've tried different phrases, things to say...it always plays out the same in the end.
is this my A adjusting to tough love? I'm I doing somethign wrong? Will this get easier?
Oh do I identify with this. I have had my A in the past hanging off the side of my vehicle while I was driving down the road several times. He would first sit in my vehicle so if I left it was with him. He would follow me, try to fight with me and then thankfully he finally moved out.
I feel like that somewhat now. Well exactly today. I find it more infuriating when he is sober and I don't really know why as he still thinks like an active A being a dry drunk.
I give you lots of credit because I couldn't go through that. My situation is like that but in a milder form. He is just better at being a quiet manipulator using program lingo. I can't wait till he get's it.
I do see this as normal based upon what I know of alcoholics. I don't know if it will get easier as every situation is different. All you can change is you and it is hard to do in the midst of the chaos.
Maybe if he is to kick the door once or twice ten or so times he will get the hint that you mean what you say when you don't open it? Only you know if that would be feasible or not. I try to remember this. Originally my A was used to me being a doorbell. When he pushes I respond. When people push a doorbell they expect a response. If no one comes to the door people push rapidly and harder. Then finally give up when they realize no one is coming to the door.
I found my A pushing harder and faster when it dawned on him that the doorbell is broken now due to what I learned in Al-anon. He didn't like my program that much and didn't until he started working his in an honest way.
That was all I leaned on as well as my program, concentrating on myself, having a plan A,B, and C as well as lots of prayer. My prayer worked as he moved when it got to be too much, until he had a good hold on recovery. Then he forgot about recovery and it sucks again. Will it always....I'm not sure. Just for today though I am going to work on me.
They do say that when you start making changes (to anyone, not just A's), there's a big "Change back!" response. They want us to change back, plus they want to see if we really mean it. So they test the boundaries like little kids. Push and push and push. Their internal question is: "Can she be consistent? I bet she'll relent if I pester her. I bet she won't stay this way. If I pester her can I get her to stay this way? Maybe I can get her to lose her temper." And their anxiety is ratcheted up by the changes, so they're even less in control of themselves than usual (and that's saying something).
It's so hard not to engage, but we have to be the grown-ups and just keep reinforcing the boundaries kindly. The saying "Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean" was a real eye-opener to me. I didn't realize I could insist on my own way in such a straightforward and kind way. It sounds as if you are farther along in that process.
In my experience, yes, it will get better. But for a while the testing will go on, until either you change (bad idea) or he does.
This is part of the insanity of alcoholism and the only part we have to take care of for us is ours. My sponsor once worked with me on viewing my life as if it were a play on stage and we were sitting in the audience. "How is it going for you he asked?" "I hate this play!!" I responded and then he asked "What do you suppose the play would be like if when you walked on stage someone handed you a different script?" "Well then the play wouldn't be able to keep going on don't you think?" said I. "The alcoholic and the rest of the family would want me to continue with the old script." I looked at him and he was just smiling like a fairy godfather...he was like that when he saw I was getting it. I got it. Part of what I did was not change my part into more of an acting part and not a talking part. That was a huge change for me. Change my script. Keeping it simple. (((((hugs)))))
Hi everyone, thank you for your kind replies and sharing of experiences. It's all very helpful in giving me the will to carry on this way and not give in, keep the boundaries up and insist on my way, kindly (that part I'm still working on)....
I like the play analogy, thanks Jerry F.
My AH drove drunk with my daughter in the car yesterday. A friend of mine saw him, they chatted for a bit on a side street. My friend then called me to say My husband was really out of it, she smelt booze, he told her he had just got in a car accident and mentioned he was on his way to pick up my daughter.
When you get news like this, him putting her life at risk, well...I wasn't very kind that time around...and of course, I regret it cause yelling never gets us anywhere and yelling at an A regardless of how many facts you have, is always always futile.
I lost it for 10 minutes then apologized for yelling and the next morning I kindly told him he was never allowed to drive with my daughter in the car with him again unless I was around to see if he is ok to drive. (This happened while I was at work) He told me I was being ridiculous, that he would kill himself before he ever put her life at risk, that he loves her and would never do that. On and one he went. I bit my tongue and refused to play the did you or didn't you do it game. Just kindly re-inforced the new rule.
Well that kind of news that my A was driving drunk with our son in the car would cause swift action on my part. Do you share this child and can you remove his access to be a pickup person where she is concerned? I took my case through the courts where the safety of our son was concerned.
Hey Clep. Well, driving drunk with my daughter in the car is a new low for him.
I set a new boundary (one he was furious about). I told him he was never allowed to drive with my daughter in the car ever again unless I was around to see him and make sure he was ok before he left. (This happened while I was at work, during the day, on an inservice day so my daughter had no school and he picked her up from a sleepover).
This new boundary infuriated him. He went on and on and on about how he would never do that, he loves her, he would never want to hurt her, he would kill himself before he ever endangered her life, how could I think he doesn't care about her... ect..
I just told him calmly the next day (of course that night I found out I was a raging mad woman) I told him that I'm not questioning the love he has for my daughter, I know he loves her, but he's sick and has a disease that controls him and makes him make bad decisions. I said I'm not willing to talk about whether or not you were drunk and whether or not you drove drunk with her in the car, this is my mew rule. The end.
He's pissed.
So be it. I told him I'm protecting my daughter, he can be as mad as he wants.
