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Just need a little help with this one. I understand that when someone is going through recovery they shouldn't be 'working' on any relationships etc...but how does that work when you've been married for a long time, or if they live with you? How do you step back from a relationship so that they can work on their sobriety, especially if they are so needy and need that relationship? Does this make sense?
In other words....my care pastor at my church who is a recovery, said that we cannot work on our family, rebuilding our family or relationship until the A has at least 6 months to a year of sobriety under their belt. This makes total sense....but what do they do , just move out or what?
Those in early recovery are often very self centered and are concentrating so hard at working thier program often we get left behind for a while. Remember they are literally fighting for thier lives. use this time to work your own recovery, throw yourself into your program and the 2 of you can grow together and when the time is right find the path back to each other. Blessings
I know your feelings personally. Let me say detaching with love, if you are going to alanon face to face meetings please ask about that.
No, I don't think moving out or anything in that way is needed unless someone is in danger. But I know as my loved one tried to get sober he shut me out more, said confusing hurtful things etc. ( his soul is in extreme unrest ) I would have liked to have been strong enough in my love for myself and trust in my higher power to just detach or "let it role off my back". I don't want my "reactions" to hurt me or him.
My A and I are in the exact same position. He left our family a few times and the last one being for recovery. When we reconcilled things were wonderful. It has been just shy of a year we have been together.
Over the past six months he had slowed down on his AA till he wasn't going anymore. His thinking regressed and it is fair to say he is a dry drunk. He realized it and has gone back to his AA program. For me it is extremely difficult to handle when he is in early recovery.
We decided to first of all sleep in different rooms. We set up everything he has in a spare room. He has his time for reading and privacy like I do. When I am infuriated which happens often until I recover as well I have my own space to go to think, pray and get centered.
We are each working on our own recovery. If he needs time to work on himself that is great, because I get that same time to do the same for me. We didn't have to split, just detach from the situation. We are in a relationship that has been put on hold for a while until we are both in the position to nurture it.
We didn't have to change anything or put our son through emotional turmoil in the process the way we are doing it. We are aware that our end goal is to be together, and what we need to do to get there. There are many days that I question his motives and start to lose it. That can be clearly seen in my earlier posts. With all I read and do daily in this last week, I am making progress and for today that is all I can ask.
I dont think your Pastor was talking about anybody moving out. I think he just meant to give the A the space he needs while they recover. This is a good time to work on ourselves.
When my ex went to rehab, the counselor at the family meeting made the very strong suggestion that one should not go home after rehab, and should be in a sober living house of sorts so that recovery can be the focus for everyone. It is said that one "cannot go home to an old idea", and much change needs to take place with everyone before a real healthy relationship can be established. I only have a small amount of personal experience with this, but my exAH came home all excited about sobritey,and made me the policeman, a role I happily accepted since he was finally allowing me into his life. The result? Disaster... I really thought sobriety was going to be the answer to so many problems. I had no idea that early sobriety was just the next crazy step of the journey.
I know of two recovered couples who have seemed to have weathered the storm. In one case, the A has been sober for 21 years now. Their advise was, "just wait, it will get better, can't say how long it will take, but if you both focus on yourselves and work your programs, it will get better..."
The second situation involves a couple who have been back together for 2 yrs now after being separated for 6. He was deep in the disease with suicide attempts etc, and was drinking himself to death in a motel. She finally got him hospitalized and into a sober living house and then let go, and focused on herself. After 5 years of sobriety, living in a sober living house, and a slow new courtship, he moved back in with her. They have a nice relationship today, but both heavily work a program and she goes to 3-4 al-anon meetings a week.
I think it can be done, but I don't think it can be done our way. Seems discomfort and a new way of thinking are often needed. Certainly not easy., but neither is living in the craziness.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Wow, thanks for asking this one all the posts make sense to me. My A was sober for 6 months last year in AA but not really working it. He has been in rehab now for 3 months and is doing really well. His key worker has suggested no realtionship and he does not want to let me go. But we are both still sick I have been in al anon for 3 years and find it easier t detach when he is drinking. I am beginning to realise this illness is for life and does not vanish with sobriety. I have been in al anon for 3 years as I say I have changed alot but still have lots of hard work to do. I suppose my ABF is just starting his journey in recovery. I too have been very confused and frustrated we have stuck in so long trying to fight are illnesses but it is tough. I am really trying to get the focus on me. My expectations of the A have been causing me problems after reading these posts I realise i need to be o.k alone just see him as a boyfriend rather than a partner, because the truth is he is fighting for his life, and I am trying to fix mine.
I think I can answer this...first I'll again state that my wife is not an A but is the child of one and displays the tendencies and behaviors, so it feels like living with an A.
I have found that taking care of and worrying about myself, doesn't involve her at all. I don't have to think about our relationship etc. I just do what I know needs to be done. The relationship goes on......I didn't cut anyone off. I just try to change how I behave, react, treat myself etc.
I may be home less, or busier when I'm there. I may set up boundaries for meditation time or naps....and not be at her beckon call....and yes, SHE has had to adjust to my different behaviors but that's her problem not mine. I mean I hope she does adjust well to it, but I can't control it.
I just do what I have to do and let the chips fall where they may. We still spend time together and I'll still "sacrifice"...if that's the right word....in the sense that I'm not a totally self centered actor here. I have a family, which carries some obligations....I'm just getting better at distinguishing what's reasonable or not.
We will still sit and watch a movie together if that's what I'm interested in, but I won't turn down a request for company unless i have to do something that's TRULY important to me like going to a meeting exercising etc. If I'm going to read a book, there's no reason I can't be in the same room with the wife while she reads etc. I don't know if I'm making sense here but that's what I do.
In early recovery my assumption was that my Alcoholic wife was the entire problem so nothing would come to a positive ending until she got what she was supposed to get. By attending meetings and listening open mindedly I came to understand that I too played a very active part in the disease in our family and in my life. Alcoholism touch everything and one it comes in contact with I was taught and truely believe today. Soooo it is my life that needs fixing, adjustment, building, etc. This is a spiritual "we" program and I get to fix the "me" in it only. When I inventoried the parts I played in my life which the alcoholic only shared a small portion of I understood that I needed to be a work in progress.
Yank's response is closest to how I also behave in my relationships today. As long as there is one other person whether that person is my Higher Power, my wife or anyone else I am playing a part in a relationship. Of course there are many more than just one other person and will in my life and of course I must take care of myself at the same time. For me the word balance is very important in the subject of Relationships and recovery.
I don't think the relationship itself needs to go "on hold", as in stop cohabiting or communicating (unless that is what one partner needs) but that any expectations about work being done directly on the relationship have to be postponed while early recovery is the focus.
What I've discovered with my ABF is that his frequent relapses deflected our attention away from underlying problems with the relationship, so those didn't get any notice until he'd been sober for a while -- there were bigger and better things to worry about before. The upside is that, now I have my own recovery program in Al-Anon, I'm better able to communicate with him as we now try to resolve those issues.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Good question - i too was married at the time of sobriety in our home and one of us leaving was not an option. I had my own program as I had been in Al-Anon for 3 yrs before he sought sobriety and with him in AA we were both very focused on our selves .. we had to learn how to talk to each other with out breaking out into a major argument - thus a sponsor was a must . I came to the conclusion that a 20 min coffee break with a sober husb was better than any day when he was drinking . the relationship heals as recovery continues two happy people have a chance of making this work . We are not responsible for keeping them sober but we can encourage them by working our own program and learning to mind our own business. Early on in recovery I heard a speaker say take your problem to a sponsor or to a meeting and come home with a solution that works for me. My husb is never going to understand how his drinking affected me and I will never understand his compulsion to drink so trying to explain to him how I felt just adds shame and guilt to a situation that is in the past and cannot be changed, Al-Anons understand me and they listen .
This isn't my thread but thank you for that response abbyal. I will be reading this multiple times. In fact I might print it out and put it on my nightstand. It really it home for me.
