The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My wife has been attempting to get sober via AA for a couple of months now and I have been suspecting her of drinking for a few weeks. Per my counselor and this program I decided to not keep nagging with the "Have you been drinking?" As pointed out, they always say no anyway. Funny, the topic at my meeting today was silence.
Well, tonight my wife is clearly out of it (or tired as she always like to put it) and when I basically said I know you have been drinking but just go to bed and we can talk about it in the morning she was happy to take me up on it. Before Al-Anon I would have gone into orbit, but what is the point when they are in that condition.
This isn't her first rodeo with this, and my (and her) counseler agreed if she couldn't stick to AA and that wasn't going to be effective she was going to suggest a in-treatment plan. Sad thing is, she did a week out patient last Christmas holiday season. Here we are again.
I have 3 small children and have to travel with my work, so it isn't an option for her to drink and be unpredictable. It's been over a year but she can pass out and leave the kids to roam free (only happened once, but once is enough). Basically, I think my Thanksgiving weekend is going to consist of me asking her to go into treatment, or she can't stay here.
I love my wife. I love my kids. My wife loves all of us, but she loves alcohol more than all of us at times and it really makes me sad. And I thought she might have "got it" this time. I know expectations are a disaster, but I am dreading this.
Appreciate the opportunity to vent to those who have been there.
Sadly this is a chronic disease after 26 years of marriage with a drinker, it does seem they love drinking more, but as my x husband described it, sometimes it becomes like a job.
Why dont you decide that for just this Thanksgiving weekend, you will not mention her drinking and if it gets bad, pack up the kids and take them to a movie or a burger or somewhere enjoyable. Let her see what it would be like to not have any of you around.
It is a disease of relapse. May I suggest a face to face Alanon meeting before you make any decisions. Many Husband and Wives are living with a spouse that is an active alcoholic and their able to live productive lives. You know there arent any perfect relationships its hard to go it alone with 3 small children. Try Alanon, it will help you immensely.
Keep coming back to the board of MIP and Alanon, there are meetings and chats here. Read as much of the Alanon material as you can. Focus on yourself and see where it takes you.
You do have a dilema allright - I trust you are strong enough to stick to your decission if you ask her to go into treatment , ultimatums rarley work . Your children have to be your first consideration I agree and am sorry you find yourself in this position . Unfortunatley this disease dosent care about families it wants what it wants . period I will be thinking of you this weekend Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Thursday 25th of November 2010 02:41:04 AM
I am so vvery sorry that you and your family must deal with the pain and uncertainty caused by this disease.
Please remember that you are dealing with the most cunning and powerful of diseases. You cannot control it and cannot cure it.
Al Anon can offer you tools to dal with it constructively. Come here vent= go to the white pages look up al anon meetings and call for the schedule. Connect with others who are walking the same road. Breaking the isolation, venting and taking care of yourself while keeping the focus off the alcoholic works.
Sorry to hear Can I just say and others may disagree but in my experience 1 week or even 1 month of in paitent rehab never helped anyone 1 of my many many A's. It at about the 30 day mark that if they are willing they just are starting to "get it". Does that make sense. all my A's that have found recovery have stayed in in patient rehab 90 days or more and that seemed to work for them. Here is wishing you the best in your recovery Blessings
You are not the first to say "I thought they got it."
There is nothing to get. They are very sick being an addict. They can only go into recovery with a plan that helps them to get thru a day at a time. We cannot make them, give them ultimatums or anything.
We hope that they, on their own, come to a place they will do anything to get into recovery.
It is not just stopping from using whatever they do. That is only a symptom of the disease. They will have the same behaviors unless they get on a plan of recovery, fit just for them.
Part of being an addict is relapse. Just is. Does not mean they cannot have years or a lifetime of recovery, though it is rare.
Some relapse and get right back on program. It is not a personal flaw, it is nothing personal against anyone else.
Part of being an addict is selfishness, manipulation, lieing. Most need a program, sortof a map or plan on how to live in a healthier way.
I am sad to hear of your situation. I can share my best friend, who I met here, is in the same situation. I have watched what they have gone thru for 10 years. He also works out of town at times.
His kids, one is grown, other just about now. Wife was in recovery for a little while, then relapsed for years, not is back on program and I happily share, doing well.
We have others on here in your situation that will give you great shares.
I appreciate your kind words. We will just have to see how this progresses. If she doesn't get back to her program she will blow up naturally. Not pretty, but true.
