The material presented
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Hey everyone. I haven't posted in a while. I stopped talking to my a ex about a week ago. I broke up with him a while ago but we were still talking. His using was getting out of control so I stopped talking to him altogether. It's probably the most painful thing I've ever had to do. I'm dealing with it pretty well actually, but I feel so lonely. I've been keeping busy with friends and family, but there's this huge hole in my heart that only he can fill. I don't like being without him. Especially since I heard that he got fired from his job and was kicked out of his house. I have no idea what's happening to him and I'm really scared for him. All I can do is pray for strength for me and comfort for him. Other than that I can't really do anything. I guess I just need time. Anyways, thanks for reading.
Al-Anon, a sponsor, and working the steps helps even more. I could have written every word you wrote. His life fell apart and I hurt for him so badly. I missed him and thought I would never be complete without him.
The hole in myself that needed filling . . . NO other human can fill it. And until it is filled by ME (and many will say HP as well) - then I am asking too much of another person. I can not expect someone to take on that responsibility. I want to be a WHOLE part of a relationship. That takes a LOT of work on ME. Until that time - I am going to stay single and keep doing the work.
At first it feels awful. The easy way out is in this man's arms. I want to believe in the fantasy that he is going to take care of me and make everything better. But that has been proven over and over to be a fallacy. Reality hurts. Until you get some practice and then it starts to feel REALLY darned good. I started to get more confidence. I am facing my fears. I am putting together the pieces of my past and the picture it paints is ME and I can see from there a path to change.
It really does get better. Find a sponsor. Work the steps. Keep working. Keeping coming back. Reach out to others. Two years ago at Thanksgiving I was with family and couldn't even make it an hour in the room with others. I would go outside and sob for a while - come back in - rinse - repeat. It didn't take 2 years. I took working the steps with a sponsor.
I never would have bet a dime on the fact that this program works. But I was where you are now and now I am grateful for the relationship - grateful for the pain of it - grateful for the path that lead me to recovery. And the fantasy is GONE. Reality is here and the possibilities it brings are wonderful.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
ooh Brookie.. so sorry to hear. I have a husband that leaves for days at the time. An october binge lasted 9 days, costd $1,000 and during those 9 days I put my life on a shelf for him, on hold.. I was worried, directionless and of course.. lonely. I dont want to influence your thinking but I dont make drastic decisions if I feel Im not ready. Why? Because once I make my decision I dont want to go thru the "what ifs", dont want to regret it, dont want to go back, dont want to have unfinished business. And in this particular case, if something bad was to happen to my partner during the time of "optional separation" or" break up" I want to make sure I'll have the strength to handle bad news and not feel responsible or guilty for it. Doesnt sound to me like you are completely sure of the step you've taken. If you are not, it's okay to follow your heart. When we commit to a relationship with an alcoholic or user we will feel lonely not matter what. Speaking for myself of course, I feel lonely and sad when he is gone drinking himself to death, and often times I feel lonely when he is around because he is emotionally unavailable. Plenty of empty promises along with the loneliness. But Im not ready to walk away. I want to keep my hope.This program works, AA meetings too.. but prayer is power. No prayer, no power. Last binge lasted 2 days ( he was broke) and because I went to get him. Im glad I found him because he was sleeping in his truck, throwing up bile, no food, almost freezing to death since the car heater wasnt working. I needed to help him, mostly for me, because whatever I do or dont do in life, I still have to live with it. And because I know his heart is good. This disease is selfish, doesnt discriminate. If you are not sure about what to do, meditate, get on your knees, no phone, no tv, only you and your higher power (mine is God). He'll guide you. Light up some candles, mostly white, or light blue for clarity of mind and red for love, they bring some sort of harmony and get clouds off your head. When I notice my AH begins to act anxious I keep candles burning, just a couple. It relaxes me and reminds me to meditate and choose my battles. The load feels lighter when we share, keep us updated. B
-- Edited by Bambina10 on Wednesday 24th of November 2010 04:54:25 AM
-- Edited by Bambina10 on Wednesday 24th of November 2010 05:02:28 AM
Sorry that things are rough now, but it sounds like you are handling it well. Hang in, things will get easier with time.
The hole in your heart ... some people call that a "God-shaped hole" (or Buda or light or energy or whatever other HP you may have). Meaning, the hole can only truly be filled by our HP. When we make another person our HP, we try to put them in the hole but they don't really fit. When we discover and accept that they don't really fit, we feel empty again. By putting HP in the hole, we are no longer empty and no longer looking to another human being for that role - which is a role that no human being could ever fill.
Thank you for your post. I have been focusing so hard on not falling in holes that it almost served as a distraction to the gaping hole in my spirit.
I was lonely in a 20 year marriage and I am lonely divorced. It was extremely difficult not relying on my exHA, but I'm finally on that path. People are telling me they've never seen me look so good- I find this interesting because I feel like I'm withering from loneliness and I'm so scared.
As uncomfortable as I am, I have no choice but to walk through this- it's something that I was avoiding for years and one of my greatest fears. The others who posted are right- and it took me a long time, but I have come to believe that only HP and the program can fill the hole; Anything else will disappoint with a temporary and false fix. I found it helpful to attend as many face to face Alanon meetings as possible each week. Although the information is uncomfortable, attending a few AA meetings has also provided perspectives that show me why it is so important that I move forward with the program this way.
It took me years to get to where I am today. Well-intended non-alanon people gave me all kinds of advice insisting they knew best. I took my time and made decisions based on when I felt ready- I would recommend this for anyone. It's ok if it is on our own time-table. In my case, I waited until the decision became being married or me and my daughter being homeless. I was still reluctant, but a higher power urged me in this direction, where I came to bridges that I needed to cross without being able to return back.
Things are getting better, ever so slowly. My daughter commented on my positive changes and said that my current state of uncertainty is so much more normal than the crazy insanity of the past when I was engaging with my exHA. I'll take her word for it until I start feeling my feet on the ground.
Thank you again for your post. You're not alone and I do believe that alanon will give us the tools for something much better. Glad you are here.
As a post script- I have come to learn that the addicts also have this hole of loneliness, as do I. The difference being, I tried to fill my hole with him and he tried to fill his hole with drugs and alcohol.
-- Edited by bud on Wednesday 24th of November 2010 09:41:14 AM
Brooke, thank u and hang in there........lonely is an intersting topic when breaking free from an addicted person. Personally I dont think I had ever been lonlier than when I was with one. Please keep coming back , things will get easier and take care of yourself !!! thank you for your post.....:)
I am learning through the steps, alanon and my sponsor that I need to be the one that fills me up. When I keep my focus on me I feel better. My hp helps me through, I pray and ask for help and I get through. Keep coming back, take care of you :) Remember, nothing changes if nothing changes...
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
I know that feeling. I love Bambinas post using candles. I have a little, Kerosene stove and can see the fire. For some reason fire helps.
Its a huge loss you are going thru. We have so many dreams, love them so much, then the disease tears them away.
It isn't just time, it is work. First by taking care of your basics. Rest, naps, eat healthy, drink healthy. Be kind to you. Broken hearts hurt.
I would think about waterfalls, how they stay the same. How he earth is so routine, a constant. Humans aren't. So I throw myself into my animals and gardening or fixing. Painting rooms, etc.
Let yourself cry, and or sob. If you can, it does help to be around others and accept hugs.
It does get better, takes as long as it does. It is an open wound. BE careful with you.
I also took my time in letting the AH go. I had to be sure I gave it my all. There is NOTHING that says we cannot talk to them or whatever! It is all a personal choice.
Of course you are concerned. I have been there too. My AH ended up dui in prison and was with a murderer!
He is a kind, easy going person, but an A. The brain tumor however makes him have burst of out of control rage. My point was though, just cuz they are A does not make them bad people.
I wish I could talk with my ex AH, but he is honestly insane.
I KNOW you will get better. For now, what I did was accept the way I felt and kept going as best as I could.
Its difficult to stick your your boundaries, but keep strong and it will get easier.
It took 26 years for the X husband to lose his job and lose his job he did, he still hasnt found a new one after two years. Sounds like your X is progressing with his disease.
Keep coming back to Alanon for to gain the wisdom for your life.
