The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have several new books and have comitted to a regular exercise program. That's some me progress and it feels good. My new books are Of Course You're Angry by Rosellini/Worden and Emotional Sobriety and Trauma & Addiction by Tian Dayton. Started reading Trauma & Addiction. Just as our A's hide their feelings with alcohol, we have many of the same patterns only we do not use drugs. I know this book will give me insignt into getting back in touch with my own emotions. I am definitely in a pattern of avoiding my feelings.
My A and I have had contact but t has been very superficial. He will say stuff like he misses me and I just stay silent. He loves me, I change the subject. He asks if I miss him and I say very quietly and unconvincingly, yes. It's almost become a game with me to see how insincere I can sound and to see if he buys it. That's good enough for him. The lack of meaningful true communication does not bother him at all. Two weeks ago I made some rules that he agreed to follow and of course he hasn't followed. I gave it to him clear like this is it. Usually when he would not comply, I would go into a rage and let him have it. But I decided that I was not going to allow myself to be angry about it. I was not going to fight a fight I cannot win. I didn't really expect him to come through. Am I trying to prove to myself that he is really worthless. I should already know it. Sick eh?
I don't believe he is using right now because he has been very ill with pneumonia. I knew he was very ill and didn't push my agenda this week. He's feeling better and I'm feeling agitated about not letting myself be agitated. I need to say this. I'm tired of my life and personal growth being on hold. I am tired of not having meaningful connection and communication. And I am still angry about all of the lies. I don't want these things to consume me though like they have been. I feel like crying but the tears don't come.
I have showed no emotion for two weeks and I slipped and sent a TM to him saying that he has yet to do one of the few things I asked and that I am tired of pretending and being frozen in time and I need to move on for my own personal growth and self mastery. I told him that I wasn't angry but I need to concentrate on me. How many times I have said this and yet he will call me as if I said nothing at all. We have a few things to do to really untangle and I need to stay focused on me. I was looking forward to my 2nd meeting tomorrow but will have to miss it because some out of town clients are in and I have to go to dinner with them.
You are right , we are all works in progress. I did discover that many of my attitudes and actions were the same as the alcoholic. Denial, pretend were the tools that I used to be able to deal with the insanity of my life. I projected negatively into the future and was frozen in time.
Al Anon tools changed all that. I learned to Focus on myself, Live one day at a time, stop judging and blaming others and make daily gratitude lists.
The 12 Steps enabled me to find myself and have a spiritual awakening To maintain this awakening I mustread my alanon literature daily, pray and attend meetings
Great job practicing detaching, focusing on yourself, and staying on your side of the street.
The first time the exA and I were together - near the end I just pulled away - built up walls with anger as the mortar, and called it boundaries and detaching. I pulled farther and farther away, showing no emotion, but inside I was becoming a pressure cooker.
The next time we were together and the old behaviors started popping up - I tried harder to detach with kindness. Now that doesn't mean that my actions were different - when I pull away I imagine it looks the same regardless - but how they felt were different. Now I by no means did perfect - I took a few swings while I was angry - but when I detached it was for ME - not to hook him or show him or hurt him. It wasn't about him at all. It was all about me. It was saving me. It was not jumping on the merry go round, believing the accusations and hurtful things coming my way, and enforcing my boundaries. I ended up saying "goodbye - i love you" and it really did feel ok. Because for the most part I stayed off the ride.
I imagine I will get better at it as I keep practicing. But I felt the progress. Glad you are seeing your progress as well. It helps us continue to learn and keep working our program!
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
