The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The sober A in my life started his new job yesterday. I have another post up about it.
His sponsor told him it turns out that as long as he is not doing anything to arouse suspicion or jealousy with his behavior all is well. When he has regained his need to stare at other women he starts his new job back in the same industry and places he used to find the women for his affairs.
The problem really is when I look at it closely is that he does absolutely nothing to show me he sees beauty in me, and does show me he sees beauty in others.
Might have been an idea to learn in healthy ways how to show that to me before placing this situation before us where he is around the other beautiful women who keep themselves looking their best every day.
I just can't quit crying, and I mean all the time. It started after he came home from his first day of his new job. I am holding back around my son and barely able to do that. I cried all night and all morning so far.
I feel drained like I have no energy and like I could just sit in a quiet room with nothing around me for hours. I don't even have an urge to do anything. I feel like I don't care about anything like nothing matters. I have never felt like this in my life. I know I am supposed to care for me, but I just don't care.
I went to therapy feeling kinda like that when I separated from my exAH. I was crying, I had no energy, I couldn't function at work, I couldn't sit still yet I didn't want to do anything.
The therapist told me, "We need to get your power back." She pointed out to me that I had gotten to the point where I lived and died by what my exAH though and said. If he acted badly, I became depressed and believed it was because of me. If he was nice, I was on cloud 9. In my recovery, I have discovered that part of my own sickness is to look to other people (usually the addicts, but anyone else will do in a pinch) for affirmation. Eventually I understood that looking to the sickest person in the room (the addict) for affirmation wasn't going to work. I needed to get to work on myself, and start learning how to provide the validation and affirmation to myself. Giving the power over to an addict never turns out well. Not that I can't have relationships with them, because I still do - my mom is an active alcoholic and my AH is in recovery. I can't spend my life reacting to what they do and deciding that I am worthless based upon something they did or said, though.
Being sad about the loss of a relationship, and grieving, is normal. It's good to feel the feelings, process them, and then eventually let them go - not on any set time frame. However, defining oneself by a sick person's actions or statements causes unnecessary pain - and the rooms of Alanon and a recovery program can help change this.
Thank you for that post. I don't know what has happened to me and that is the scariest part. When I first started to go to Al-anon I really didn't identify with lots I heard. I spent four years in intense therapy and have a library of self help books. I was not an enabler and that is why the A left me three times. :) He was so upset that I would not give him what he wanted or go along with his choices.
The scary part is I "feel" for the first time like alcoholism has affected me greatly this time. I believe it is because when the A left three times he left our son as well. The third time our son was devastated and it was more than he could bear. He tried to kill himself many times. He went into therapy and multiple courses on abuse, addiction, and divorce. I can't bear to see him go through that again.
If I was the only one here I would just walk out on this. I just can't take the risk of our son going in that direction again so I stay. All I need is for there to be enough time and healing to hope he won't try suicide again. When I am confident that time has come I can leave.
Until then your words are the best thing I think I can be doing in this situation. Thanks again for sharing that.
Dittoes on what White Rabbit said....and for me it's definately something inside me that tells me I'm not good enough for anyone (healthy anyway) to love. While not really jealous, I'm envious of the relationships of others who I believe have it better than me. Worse yet over the years in my current marriage, I came to blame myself for all that was wrong, without realizing that I was doing it. Only in therapy did things come out that I never consciously thought but believed nonetheless. Everything seems to be an inside job at this point.
I remember the times of constant crying, no energy to do anything - even shower. I was devastated. And I wondered how I got there. Independent, strong, single mom - successful in my career. But there was something about him - the whole " you had me at hello " - and then the cheating and other stuff started and I completely flipped from strong to worthless - by HIS actions - and I believed it wholly. I found that regardless of what I had done and how much I boasted that I was this strong woman - I never truly believed it. I had spent every day doing the right things - taking care of my child, building my career - but NOT working on myself. The entire time I was waiting for that "someone" that would complete me. I wasn't desperate, I was patient, but at the core that is what I always wanted. A "complete" family.
The minute he chose another - I won't say "over me" - but in addition to me - and all the lies that come with that - my bottom fell out. All the seeds of my childhood abuse and the lack of belief in myself blossomed to full growth and I lost myself completely. I stayed and endured more lies, abuse, and chasing around because I didn't believe I deserved more.
The 12 steps helped me immensely. I am not nearly done and I see those things in myself now and know more will come to the surface. The bare minimum for me was that I realized NO ONE deserves that treatment. I am a pretty open minded woman and understand boredom in a relationship. I understand desires. I am willing to have that conversation and explore avenues of change. But cruelty in comparing me to others, cheating, chasing - there is just NOTHING respectable or decent about that and regardless of what I believe about myself - I found that I needed to set the bar to NOT tolerate that behavior. Many alcoholics say they can not pick up the next drink or they may die. I CAN NOT tolerate that behavior in my life . . . or I will lose myself again.
I am not healed or "all better" . . . but I do draw the line at that kind of abuse. I AM WORTHY of being treated with honesty and respect. Every single human being is. And anyone who can't do those basics doesn't belong in my life. I have a lot of work left to do on my self confidence - but the first step for me was drawing that line and NOT budging.
Tricia
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
White Rabbit, thanks for sharing your story of recovery. My therapist has said many similar things to me: You need to focus on you, do things for you, go out with your friends, work out, take up a hobby, be happy for you, and the big one - not let your happines be dependant on how someone else is behaving. Just like you, when my AH was drunk, I was miserable, when he was sober and normal, I was happy. The emotional roller coaster is so exhausting!!! My therapise didn't say "get your power back" but that's essentially it - I like that line!
I'm working on this and your story was very encouraging, thank you.
It's so hard. SO hard. I need to go to Alanon more often and make more of an effort, but there are not many meetings where I live so I've found going regularily to be a HUGE hassle as I have a daughter who has an extra curricular activity 4 nights a week and an AH who is unreliable. So, unfortunately, I don't get to Alanon meetings often enough and rely more on reading all my codependency books, reading these boards, and talking with a therapist. I hope that will be enough...
I TRY and try and try all the time. Everytime my AH is drunk and I allow myself to be depressed about it, I'm angry at myself. Everytime he's drunk and I focus on that and get sad, instead of going and spending time with my 11 year old daughter, I HATE myself and feel so guilty and cry and cry about it - cry about how I only have a few years left with my daughter while she's still more of a child before the fun teenage years hit and how I should be taking advantage of these years and enjoying her more and not allowing myself to get so depressed about my AH.
I'm resetful at him for 'making me' me like this. But, that's not his fault, directly anyway, it's mine. I control how I behave, not him. But I still sometimes allow him too and it just drives me crazy all over again.
I am way past the stages where I was absolutely obsessed with finding his bottles, I used to search the entire house, I've gone though the garbage at 3 in the morning, I used to look through all his pockets for reciepts, look through all the draws, look outside, look everywhere all the time, when he would leave the house, I'd run to the window to see which way he drove. I was beyond crazy. I know I'm a lot better now, I feel better too - I just wish I was completely better.
I still look to my AH for affirmation sometimes, I hate that! How messed up am I that I'm looking to a sick sick delusional alcoholic to tell me I'm a nice person, tel tell me I did nothing wrong, to tell me he loves me! I'm crazier than he is! When I do this, it makes me feel crazier, and more sad, I regret it everytime.
