The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband and I have been married for 11 years (and together for 19). Just over two years we split up for a year after he hit rock bottom and ended up in rehab for alcoholism. His mother, brother, and sister all blamed me for this. Which I KNOW is untrue.
So we are back together and doing really well for all that has happened, he attends meetings, and we have done a lot of work on effectively communicating. His family however has not accepted our reunion.... Last year I was not invited for the traditional holiday gathering, it was very hurtful, his Mom said "it was too soon." I was not acknowledged at all even though all of the gifts were jointly given. My husband went without me, but of course felt bad about it and vowed not to do it again, we learned with counseling that we are a team.
So a year has gone by and we are still on this island away from his family. He feels that if he goes for Christmas then I should go too, but does he ask permission?
Frankly, I am angry that the power is in their hands, whether to accept me or not.
I also feel it is unfair that I would have to face the entire "den of wolves" in one shot, I am actually afraid that I would be very cold because of a need to protect myself emotionally. I am just not sure I am a big enough person. I feel betrayed by them.
To top things off, my Mom died this spring, so I am anticipating the holidays to be hard enough.
I am at a loss. I do truly believe family is important, and want for him to be able to be with them on the holidays, especially the kids. Should I encourage him to go on his own?
I can relate to your situation the A's family members. I had stopped attending Christmas with my, then HA, for many years. At the time, I did not have alanon and did what I thought was best for me.
Now that HA and I are divorced, somehow life brought me closer to his mother and some of the other members of his family, including those who blamed me for my exHA's addiction. HP blessed me and it is a miracle that my ex-mother-in-law is now honest and puts the blame on her son instead of me. She reaches out to me now as an understanding soul who knows my pain and is sorry that she didn't know how to handle things better at the time. I never thought this would happen in a million years.
I do think if I were confronted with the same situation, having alanon, there may have been a different option that I hadn't thought of before. I was not comfortable being separate from him, as I am of the opinion that couples should stand by each other for unity. For example, I wonder if I would insist on taking my own car and only stay for a little while, if that would have been ok for me. (I did suggest it to my exHA at the time, but he was adamant I travel with him.)
There is no right or wrong in trying to take care of ourselves, so long as we remember to include to say what we mean, mean what we say and don't say it mean.
My mom has long been estranged from my father's side of the family. My mom's an A, but she's been sober 31 years. I'm not sure what all went down in the early years of my parent's relationship then marriage, but for whatever reason, my mom does not get along with my grandmother and aunt (dad's mom and sister). I get the impression hurtful words have been exchanged many times.
My mom ceased joining family functions where they're involved, including Christmas and Thanksgiving. She's thankfully always maintained that it's a personal issue between her and the MIL and SIL, and has never requested anyone in our immediate family - Dad, brother and me - to choose sides.
We always made it a point to share a big pre-Thanksgiving meal with my mom for a special occasion, and then spend Thanksgiving with the rest of the extended family. Same with Christmas. Christmas eve was always for the immediate family and Christmas day we'd spend it with the extended family while my mom chose to stay at home.
I really don't know if she suffers resentment every holiday season. She has her own family (all siblings) she could choose to spend the holidays with, too, but she doesn't. I think she really got comfortable with staying isolated on the holidays, although I think now every once in a while she'll spend the day with a friend while we're off with the family.
I don't blame her not wanting to spend the day with people she can't stay serene with. Since entering Al-Anon, I've gained a new pair of "recovery glasses" that I view the world with and I can see the dysfunction of alcoholism within my dad's side of the family, too... and a LOT of un-treated Al-Anon-ism!
I've learned I have choices, though, when it comes down to the holidays. Living with an alcoholic left me feeling isolated even while he was right in the room with me on the holidays. This is the first holiday season I'll be experiencing without him, and I'm actually pretty grateful for it. My mom's flying out to visit me for Thanksgiving (she arrives tonight!) and we're going to have a fun time and spend the evening with some friends in recovery.
When Christmas rolls around, I'll be on my own for sure, but again, I plan to have a good time with some of my Al-Anon friends.
We need not place ourselves in situations that we know will disrupt our serenity. In so doing, we also need not feel alone when we choose to detach from the disease to maintain our serenity.
I've learned I have choices in every situation because the majority of the time I'm the one putting myself into the situations. No one's making me stay home for the holidays, nor is anyone making me go with them. I get to make a plan to see how I can help myself to feel happy and loved in either situation.
Thank you so much for your words. I am very excited to have found this place, and hope to hop in of some of the online meetings.
When the glass castle I was living in crashed down during the rehab and break-up I was forced to take a hard look at the things that I had really had control over. I had been sweeping up around all my addicts instead of doing anything for myself. I started phase 2 of my life, enrolled in college to finally pursue my educational and career goals, which I am very happy about, but it also limits me from going to "real" meetings.
The idea of taking my own car was a really good one, but maybe as time goes on. I do think I need to protect my serenity and peace, I need come to terms with the choice I am going to make so I dont have a looming angst over the entire holiday season.
In all actuality, I probably shouldnt "encourage" him to do anything.... says the recovering codependent :) I need to express to him how I feel, but allow him to proceed at his own pace with his family. If they want to make me the reason that he does this or that.... I cant control it.
So, I will probably stay home on Christmas by the fire with a movie cuddling with my trusty pups. This sounds so much more appealing than conflict with those who want to judge and condemn. I think I can choose to not expose myself to this toxicity.
