The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
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level.
Hi, Just signed into the website, I am really hoping I'll find some direction here. I don't where to begin to get some help in handling my AH. I just seem to fight about his drinking with him everynight and it is getting worse. I don't want our marriage to end but I think that is our future. Hopefully I'll get some help here.
Welcome Logan - I think you'll find all kinds of supportive and wonderful people on here.... glad you found us....
What are you doing for you?? Are you attending Al-Anon meetings?? They are invaluable, and assist you in your path going forward - wherever that takes you....
As you are frustratingly finding out - you can't "will" your A out of drinking.... He drinks because he is an alcoholic.... and only he can choose if and when he chooses a life of sobriety.... That's the bad news..... The good news is - there are a number of good things that you can do - for YOU. Al-Anon is a biggie, as is participating in boards and groups like ours....
Take care, and please keep coming back
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Glad you're here. This is a wonderful forum and the folks have so much experience and wisdom to share.
There's a saying I see a lot around here: If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.
That said, if fighting with your AH makes things worse, try not fighting with him for a night.
As Tom's signature says, 'You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to'.
I don't say that to be flip. I just know that I get locked into all sorts of behaviors that don't serve me at all. Al-Anon has helped me turn some of those things around and things do change.
Please do try to attend and Al-Anon meeting. I've found a lot of strength and love in those rooms.
At the very least, search the forum for threads on 'detachment'.
I think you'll find that it is VERY common to be fearful of Al-Anon meetings.....
Some fear the idea of speaking in a public setting.... Or sharing deep emotions, that will no doubt be accompanied by tears..... Or opening up in front of strangers..... Or talking about "the secret".....
Well, all I can tell you - it is all of the above, and they are awesome!!!
Part of our recovery is talking about our feelings, so I would encourage you to attend meetings... .if you're not comfy, you don't need to share - just listen, and take it all in..... I'm betting that you'll love it!
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I felt alot like you do just a couple of months ago. I was so out of control with the anger and the fighting when he drank. I hated that I hated the man that I loved the most. Wanting my marriage to work but wanting out too. Didn't even know or like myself when I was around him. Was desperate for help and found this site. After reading several post daily several times a day a got the courage to attend face to face Al anon meeting. They are awesome people. It felt like home. I have only made it to a few because it is quiet a distance from my home but have start coming to the meetings here online. Al anon really has worked for me and I have found a peace of mind that had been missing for so many years. I realized I needed and deserved to take care of me. The more I walk away and detach instead of fight the less anxiety I feel. I've actually seen little signs of change in his treatment of me which is nice. But my main goal is my own happiness. I am learning to live again and it feels amazing. Please know your not alone.
Aloha Logan and welcome to the board again...Stepping up had a good suggestion along with Tom...Not arguing with the alcoholic about the alcoholic's drinking or just about anything else is almost impossible because that is one of our addictions. We get addicted to the fight, the negative stuff and if we were to win one we wouldn't be satisfied. I argued and did worse and I did that very well and the more I did that the more she drank and the sicker I got. I couldn't figure that out until I got into the rooms of Al-Anon and let the older members tell me what they found out and they were so right on.
Doing something new like going to a face to face meeting is different and a change from the normal insanity of being home with the alcoholic but scary isn't terminal I found out and everyone there was there to help me. You don't have to say anything and it is best to listen anyways because at first we don't know anything about anything including alcoholism and/or recovery from it. They knew...I listened and then did more. The 3c's tell us that we didn't Cause it; We can't Control it and neither can we Cure it, so then its not about them its about fixing me cause if I'm still doing something that hasn't worked for a long time somethings broke and needs fixing.
Welcome to the board...keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
I think most people are afraid of attending their first meeting. I know I was. I felt a little sick to my stomach. I thought I would go in there and people would ask me questions and put me on the spot. Not so, as I came to find out! While some people did come up and introduce themselves and ask my name before and after the meeting, in the meeting I was able to just say my first name and not speak. It took me MANY months to speak - probably 6 or 9 months. Just being amongst people that have been where you are is comforting.
As you will learn, arguing about drinking does not do any good. Alcoholics drink because they are alcoholics. Period. No matter what they say to rationalize (such as "I drink because of stress" or "I drink because you are a terrible spouse" or whatever else), the bottom line is that they drink because they are alcoholics. Arguing about it won't change the reality. Alcoholism is a disease, not a moral failure - so pleading with someone to stop, talking logically, crying, begging, threatening, or anything else will have no effect.
I'm new here too. I was terrified when I went to my first meeting, I actually ended up crying the whole time.... but that was ok. I received a lot of support, which was exactly what I needed.
