The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I got an email from my husband this a.m. about his behaviour this weekend.
He says we aren't 'integrating' as a couple, which is a lie.
He never apologized, he never said thank you for all I did this weekend.
He seemed to throw me aside, he wants to pretend that I never existed. He wants less stress in his life, which is code for "I don't have the balls to throw you out myself so can you throw yourself out?
He was so willing to go to marriage therapy with his ex-wife that was involved in several affairs with both men and women. But me? no, he doesn't have the time to try to save our marriage.
What did I do wrong? It was so hard to trust again after my last marriage and now I get this.
I would think he's doing this in order to avoid / not face up to his problems / responsibilities or he's tired of dealing with his problems / responsibilities, which really isn't any better. Take a deep breath and go make yourself a cup of tea. Wrap your hands around that warm cup and keep on breathing until you can move your mind to something else and then later, when you are more calm, come back to this and think it through again.
~ In the words of my baby nephew...when things go wrong in a bad way, "Kick 'em in the ding ding!" I sure wish life were so easily solved!
He pushing everyone away. Probably so he can drink himself to death.
I think he's going to throw me and my sons out tonight. First, he wanted us here, he thought coming home to a family at night would give him some stability to work his recovery.
Now, he claims he need less stress so he can focus on himself.
I asked him point blank to tell me in person, if he wants me to leave.
I have no where to go if he does throw me out. I sold/gave away 90% of my things to come here. I haven't worked in 2 months so I have no income. He has destroyed my world.
You are so sad, and anguished! This is when we need to be careful with ourselves. It's hard to be a walking open wound!
Remember the disease gets worse and worse. He surely is not thinking like he used to. It is not YOU that he won't go to therapy or work on things. It is hard to really accept how very sick they are, especially when they are using and or not on program.
Hon, life is like that. Some of us are blessed with less hard pain than others. I am not glad I have gone through so much, but I am blessed with the gift of learning so much wisdom from it.
Remind me of that when I share and am broken!
For me the limbo time is the worst. Not really knowing am I staying with him or not?
I hope you can remind yourself that you are broken, not expect much from you. It helps to remember he is very sick, no excuse, but it is not personal. If someone had a high fever and was mean to you, you would know it was the fever.
I don't believe you did anything wrong. You made a decision to leave your home to go to a man you thought was worth that choice. It is not a personal flaw! Took a lot of courage to do what you did.
It shows me you have it in you to build back up, heal and find that strong lady again.
The disease is abusing you. Its hard to stay strong in the situation you are in! This is where detaching will help. Ignore the behavior, that is his problem. If you can pull yourself up, by eating right, taking naps, walking, reading uplifting things or even getting lost in a book, you will feel better.
Its ok to fee crummy! But time does not heal things! It is work.Many times now I think, did all that really happen? How can life be so awful like that??? How can a person be so mean to another?
I didn't grow up that way. Thank goodness my life was calm and very ok.
As far as trust. I have shared it a lot. I don't trust or distrust. People change, or go thru tough stuff, they are not a constant. I have found not to have any expectations works better for me. For me to accept things as is, is safer.
Gosh. You are in a pickle. I'm not sure how long you've lived there, but I believe that, in many states, someone cannot always "just kick someone out." (I researched this when I had a non-rent paying informal roommate whom was scaring me so I asked her to leave. My research showed that I would have to go through eviction proceedings even though she didn't pay rent and we didn't have any type of agreement. Seems sort of weird, but true here.) Don't be afraid to call the authorities to protect your children. If you decide to leave, the authorities have also been trained with resource information and can help you find a safe place for you and your children to stay while you decide on your next move. These places exist to assist people in difficult situations. They'll have information to help you move forward.
I would also try and stress to your AH that life and living arrangement changes need to be decided with a calm and rational mind, along with a detailed plan of how to go about the changes. Perhaps don't use these words, but tell him to put on his big boy underwear and deal with the situation at hand until it can be changed through work and communication.
I remember those days. My A just couldn't leave me so he tried to bait me into leaving him. I kept wondering what I could have done and how I could be so expendable. It seemed so cruel. Why was everyone else so important?
Then I woke up and realized that I wasn't expendable. He had so little skills coupled with distorted thinking that dictated he had to handle things in that way.
I felt badly for him as I could not imagine feeling so trapped and incapable that I had to do such a thing. I hoped he would do well one day when I was having a good day, and die the next when I was having a bad day.
I poured all of my energy into myself and creating the type of person that didn't have to blame myself over someone else's defects. (Well not most of the time)
You are probably correct about him pushing everyone away. I would imagine it is harder to live with the shame of addiction with a witness.
Do you have any friends you can go stay with or a shelter should he remove you even that may not be an ideal situation should he decide to do such a thing. When I was in that position with that kind of fear, I decided I was going to start a journey of independence even if I could stay.
This might aid in growth in independence for you. Your HP has a plan for you just like for everyone.
It's such a strange thing, I've done all of this before. Rebuilt myself and my life.
I've been treated for PTSD, anxiety disorder and extreme panic disorder. During this treatment I also dealt with my family of origin issues and my upbringing to be co-dependent.
I have lived on my own, independent and I just wanted to share my life. I have no plans to surrender it.
I am sad that it's not the life I had planned. That my idea of a full and equal partner who I can share my life with has pretty much flown out the window.
Please try to call a free legal clinic or legal aid group in your area before you agree to move out, particularly with nowhere to go. As tlynna said, depending on where you are there are laws that prevent people from being put out on the street.
If I was a citizen, then sure I could get free legal advice. But I'm under an adjustment of status situation and if my marriage ends then I get deported. There's no help here for me.
Aloha Eyes...have you found where Al-Anon meets in your area and tried to contact someone you can talk to. I suggest you don't project into the future until after you have gotten into the face to face meeting rooms of Al-Anon. You're not going to get any solutions from looking at him. You're talking to the wrong person. Talk to someone who wears or has worn your shoes not his.
This is a disease...cunning, powerful and baffling...you didn't cause it, can't control it nor can you cure it. It cannot be cured; on arrested by total abstinence and till what are you going to do for you.
I went to my first meeting on Sunday, there's another one on Wednesday and I'm hoping that I'll be feeling better so I can go to it.
I didn't feel like the meeting was that type of thing, where I could ask questions. It was more about people talking about detaching.
I do need to talk to my husband, I cannot avoid him. However, I never had any illusions of curing him. I survived a marriage to a cunning, manipulative liar who has NPD. It taught me that I should never expect the choices of others to make me happy. Only my choices can do that. I was waiting for my ex to choose to be a husband and father which would never happen.
So, I understand that getting help is my husband's choice and that I will not influence him one way or another.
I made a choice to come to this new country for a fresh start and I'm going to make that happen, whether he supports it or not.
I like to say that God never gives me more that I can handle and for everything that I have gone through, I do eventually get stronger because of it. Things have a way of working out... one way or the other. Stay strong...
I am just so tired of 'going through' things and getting stronger. This was supposed to be 'my time' and 'my reward' for going through and surviving hell.
Where's my karmic justice? Shouldn't I for once have a small amount of peace in my life?
It isn't fair.
-- Edited by eyeswideopen on Monday 22nd of November 2010 07:23:39 PM
We are responsible for our own happiness and we create our lives.
We are not promised a rose garden. I think the trick here is to realize that life can be wonderful at the same time we are going thru struggles.
We can decide to be happy even in the drama of our lives. Nothing stays the same forever. We are always in flux, though we dont feel like it.
We shouldnt look to other people, places or things to make us happy. Happiness is an inner journey. Alanon helps us in that journey, so does our HP, in order for me to come in contact with my inner life, I must meditate , so no matter what is going on around me, whether it be peaceful or chaos I can ground myself. It all begins and ends with us. We must gain inner strength to really overcome our obstacles and accept that we are the ones that have made the bad or more difficult choices for our life. We are the ones that can make better ones.
Keep coming back, because the Alanon works, if you work it. Luv, Bettina
I understand your pain and the loss of your dreams. You have done well recovering from the last marriage to a NPD and if you survived that you have many constructive tools to live your life. I KNOW that you had expectations of this marriage and lefft your country and home to come here. You do not have the contacts and are afraid of being deported
I believe that contacting your embassy would be the first constructive action you could take They could direct you to assistance for someone in your situation. Getting that information could help to relieve your fears.
REMEMBER THAT ANON MEETINGS ARE FREE AND NO ONE CHECKS YOUR CITIZENSHIP PLEASE TRY TO ATTEND ANDThen start to come to meetings here, share on the Boards. Try to Live One Day at a Time. Focus on your emotional health and take care of your responsibilities. Get clarity as to what you need in this relationshipso you want to remain in this marriage.
Sharing, PRAYER, living AND LETTING OTHERS LIVE REALLY HELPS TO POINT TO NEW SOULTIONS TO PROBLEMS
Dear Eyeswideopen, thank you for your post and glad your here. The only thing I would like to add here is that there are no payoffs for suffering. I wasnt to crazy about finding that out :) Please take care of yourself and glad your here :)
I know there's no pay-offs for suffering, right now I need to choose the lesser of two evils and my ex-husband is the much bigger evil.
I was so blessed to have an amazing therapist who helped me understand that protecting my boundaries did not mean that I didn't love the person I was with, you don't have to give up your own mental well-being to prove that you care for someone.
If my current husband fails to respect these boundaries, then I'm leaving.
