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Dear Family, I just want to share my ESH regarding sex addiction since it has come up a couple of times here on the board.
First of all, an addictive personality may use more than one "drug." In my experience, there are many things we can grab onto in an attempt to escape reality.
Since my divorce from my AH two years ago, I had gotten involved with a very charming man in an internet chat room whose wife was also an alcoholic, so we had a lot in common from the very start. It was lovely to "talk" with someone who called me the sweetest pet names, lavished me with praise and told me how helpful I was for his recovery... he really boosted my self-esteem which was at an all-time low from the despair I had suffered from my divorce. He also was very helpful in my recovery, he made me laugh again, and I began to love this man. When he confided that he was a sex addict, I didn't run away, instead, I saw a wounded soul who needed fixing and saving... my specialty!
I believed that since he was in a program of recovery, it was not going to be a problem, I was very much in denial. It became a problem eventually, mostly because he still maintained friendships with women, some of who are also sex addicts and I didn't trust this. When our relationship became more serious, I began to ask more questions, and he justified, rationalized and defended everything... I ended up feeling like the crazy one... I had too many fears and asked too many questions, and he abruptly ended the relationship. (well, not until he asked me what my net worth was, duh)
Today, I can now see he was a master of seduction and dishonesty. My part is, I desperately wanted the attention he gave me, and then I wanted to be his savior, I wanted to fix him. That is my insanity. That is my disease and why I need to be here. In spite of all the pain, he helped me to see myself.... I consider him a teacher of mine, just as my AH was.
There is a 12-step program specifically for codependents of sex addicts called COSA, which I found to be very supportive. I believe there are other programs too, this was the one available in my area. At the meeting, they also suggested an excellent book.
Feel free to PM me if you would like to know more about the book. Namaste
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I completely agree with you. An addict is just that, an "addict." Their behavior is not the same as a non addict. That is what makes me say addict more than alcoholic or drug user.
It is not the thing, alcohol, sex, fetishes, porn, that makes them an addict. They are an addict attracted highly, their passion is in "things."
Addicts will always be one. In recovery they get a map or a path how to direct themselves to a better way of living. they are still an addict. So they may get into golfing like crazy, fishing, working, tv, whatever.
Hey don't beat yourself up! It is over and you learned so you are now wiser!! (c:
Thank you for sharing so eloquently on a touchy subject. Hugs,debilyn
In watching my exAH in action, he was also a sex addict on top of his alcohol addiction. In fact, I'm sure he had multiple addictions... he was also a compulsive spender.
It all boils down to the addict looking outside of his- or herself to make his- or herself feel "okay". They're uncomfortable in their own skin and really all they know how to do is manipulate the people around them and treat them like commodities as the means to an end... some final "okayness" that they truly will never find until they get real and learn to be okay with themselves and develop a relationship with a Higher Power.
It's that whole thing of using other people, places, things to fill what my sponsor lovingly calls that "God-shaped hole".
I'm not innocent of it myself. I was actually reflecting the other day about relationships... something sparked a thought in my mind about how I used men like commodities myself. I had to "have" a relationship. That word "have" implied some sort of ownership, which to me meant that I was treating those relationships like possessions. I was convinced early in life that I was worthless and unattractive and subject to pity if I didn't "have" a boyfriend.
Since my divorce, which was finalized back in September, but the exAH and I separated in July, I decided I wanted to remain celibate for at least a year. The first couple months were kind of hard... I'd have some days feeling some real anxiety and loneliness about not sharing my life with another man. "Having" (there's that word again) someone to be intimate with and with whom to share fun times, holidays, etc.
It's only been fairly recently where I'm now actually feeling a lot better about being on my own. Those lonely feelings don't crop up quite so much. I share my life with lots of wonderful friends and family, so there's truly no need to really feel alone - all I have to do is speak up.
Meanwhile, the exAH is actively pursuing a new relationship with the next person who he likely feels somewhere inside is going to make him "okay", finally. ...After earlier declaring he wasn't going to date anyone for a "long" time. (haha... I guess a "long" time equates 3-4 months.)
I'm so very glad I've decided for myself to learn what it's like to be okay with my own company and to look to my HP for comfort if there's no other human being around to lend an ear and a hug. There are several of those special people in my life, though, too... but I don't have to live with them and be in a physical relationship with them to receive their warmth and caring.
Less of me using other people in order to be okay with myself!
