The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I have been living and breathing my al-anon program consistently. It is the only thing keeping me sane living with the A in my life. I have seen the signs of relapse as they are happening for about six months now.
In the last eight years or so he has always had a preoccupation with other women. He would not sleep with me, masturbated instead and fantasized consistently about a girl at his work. She wasn't the only one. It got to the point where I would not shop with him as he would just stare at women so intensely he would walk into things. He had an affair with another girl from work and I found them in bed together the morning of my birthday.
When we reconciled he was no longer like this and explained why he was before, where that behavior was coming from. He now works with a nice christian man doing roofing. It allows him to set his own schedule and drive our son to school. It worked for our family and he seemed to enjoy it.
I don't go anywhere with him much as one of us is always with our son. When we just went on vacation he was gawking at women just like he used to. This is not casually looking btw. I did let him know that concerned me and he lied about it saying I am seeing things that are not there.
He has since admitted to lying but says he lied because of how I would overreact to a situation that is really nothing. He comes home yesterday from a meeting to inform me he is going to go check out a job at a dealership and that his job is not fulfilling and he wants a career. Here goes the ego again. He has quit sleeping with me again as well.
I can't believe that he would make such a self serving decision that would emotionally challenge me to the extreme, right at this crucial time. He says I need to deal with my own past issues. He does recognize that he has provided justified mustrust and concern but still says it is my issue to deal with. I realize I need to deal with my own things, but to pick this time is just thoughtless to me.
I know there is nothing I can do about this. I am reading, listing to speakers on my 1phone constantly and breathing in the Al-anon program. I am feeling a little better and more hopeful than I have the past couple of days, right until this. I am trying to concentrate on myself, but this is the most challenging thing he could have thrown at me.
Grant me the serenity.
Edited to say that I spoke with him regarding working with the same people that are aware of the affair with the last girl. The idea of facing these people again and the probability of him working with the same women he had the infatuations and affairs with is really to much for me right now under the circumstances. He still says it is my issue. The humiliation I feel at the thought of seeing them at a Christmas party or having to be in the same room as him and one of these women is overwhelming to me. He doesn't understand or care, one of the two. I am astounded.
Al-anon
Al-anon
Al-anon
Breathe.
-- Edited by clep on Monday 22nd of November 2010 12:23:47 AM
Hi clep, My heart goes out to you. I too was married to someone who had problem keeping his eyes to himself. He has a pornography addiction and had several emotional affairs with other women. To my knowledge he did not have a physical affair while we were married. He is a Christian, but this did not keep him from having the problem, anymore than it would have kept him from being an alcoholic.
If there is one thing I learned from this relationship it is this: when they say it is "your issue" it is not. It is THEIR issue. It is THEIR problem. And it is their job to prove to you that they are being faithful, especially if they have not been in the past. However, we can not control what they do, anymore than we can Cure, Control or Cause alcoholism. We have to take care of ourselves. Whatever that looks like.
Hang in there and do something for you. Blessings to you.
Overcome
__________________
I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
Thanks. I have realized that I have an issue with feeling humiliated. I have forgiven him for the past, and do find that when he starts doing the same things as in the past I remember it like it was yesterday.
He says he doesn't understand why he has regained this eye for women, but feels it will not go farther than that.
I am driving myself crazy though and trying to control. I had a moment of clarity yesterday where we talked successfully for the first time as he had clarity at that moment as well. I then went off the deep end and just lost it.
He shared that his sponsor let him know that as long as in this decision he is not doing anything to arouse suspicion he needs to do what is right for him. He says he told him the whole story and his sponsor says not to be too hard on himself for staring at other women intensely on our vacation and does not seem to see the link.
It is also upsetting because my other half is very good at his work and his pride when working for this dealership fueled his addiction. He has regained pride again and I hate to see him challenge that further by placing himself in this situation.
I can do nothing though. There are more factors to this situation I won't get into, but it isn't easy. I have made a sponsor change yesterday which makes things much easier for me. Things are looking up for me even if not in my situation with my A.
I give you a lot of credit, I dont know if I could hang in there like you do. I was married for 26 years to the alcoholic. He hardly ever looked at another woman and acted like the perfect gentlemen , (when Sober) even when drunk he never looked at another woman.
Imagine my surprise when he sat me down and told me he had been having an affair off and on for 10 years and that relationship brought a set of twins. So which is more humiliating. I cant tell you, but that went beyond my boundaries, after all the years of his disease. He told me the reason for this affair was that he was just drunk. Now that we have been apart for 2 1/2 years, he is not with any women. Go figure, I think its the little boy syndrome, they have to be bad little boys and yes the drinking makes them do things they might not do sober. It wasnt the woman I was concerned with, Im sure there were more, the bottle was his lover and more then anything I wanted him to want recovery. Which he is finally working on because his life was in physical danger. I can only tell you to stick with the program, work the steps, follow the philosophy and the contact with your HP, it will bring you great strength and serenity.
Bettina, I'm so sorry to hear that, my heart goes out to you.
Hi again Clep, I'm just all over your posts today!
It is not your issue. It's his issue. To want your husband to NOT work everyday with a woman he had an affair with, is a pretty easy to understand and resonable request. The only problem is, alcoholics don't see it that way, or take responsibility easily and so of course he will be selfish and try to put that on you.
My husband had an emotional affair (as far as I know it never got physical but who knows, I don't believe a word he says and he would never tell the truth). The other woman was someone he went to grad school with, she then moved a few provinces away (I live in Canada) after they graduated and she moved, they started talking on the phone. I was suspicious because my husb withdrew, didn't sleep with me anymore, drank more, was meaner to me, rude, just seemed to not care, at all. It's a long story but eventually I got the passwords to his online cell phone bill (yep, that's right, he stopped the bills from coming to our house) and then I saw was exactly what I was scared of - what I wished wasn't true. Him calling her cell phone number (I called it myself to see who it was). He called her every day and they chatted for hours and hours also texted and email a lot too.
Our therapist told us that this was another way for my AH to escape reality. Instead of dealing with difficult things, like alcoholism, he escaped from it. This was a year ago, before he ever went to AA. He could pretend to be someone else with this other woman, to her he was a self confident, funny, successful, mentally sane, kind, caring man.
My AH denied talking to her, he lied and lied and lied and lied over and over again - to the point where he would blame this on me, tell me I didn't love him cause I was trying to find something wrong that was not there. I actually started to believe this and be mad at myself, despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, and there was a lot of it.
The lies and lengths he went to were disgusting. Then I showed him 3 months of cell phone bills I printed and highlighted all the phone calls from. He froze. Then got mad and lost it, yelled at me (he rarely yells), he also cried and went on a pity party. I hate pity parties.
When I told him he had to make a choice, her or me. He took 2 days to choose me but said that it was no big deal - they just talked about school and work stuff. REALLY! Please. Give me a break! Eventually, he admitted the extent of their chats - personal stuff, how they talked about their feelings, that they liked eachother, flirted ect.. I wanted to vomit, I felt physically ill, I had actual physical pains from this - I could not eat for 3 days, literally, I couldn't chew anything at all - I've never been so depressed in my life. It was a feeling I would not wish on anyone.
Do you and your husband go to counselling? I would try that. It really helped by AH see how ridiculous his thoughts were at times.
About your husband saying he lied because of how you would overreact. So familiar! Every single time I catch my AH in a lie its because of me: Well, I wanted to wait until I had good news before I told you (about him getting fired recently from his job) or, I knew it would make you mad so I didnt tell you (about him hitting a curb and messing up the alignment in our car), I knew you would be upset and get mad, if you didnt make me feel scared then maybe I could tell you!. Again, all my fault.
They just cannot take responsibility, and when you combine that with alcoholism and delusion and messed up brains, this is what you get.
Good luck to youIll keep you in my thoughts and I hope you find a way back to yourself and to happiness! **HUGS** Danielle
