The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, let me see how I joined this site at the beginning of the month, which I explained my issue. Married for closed to 9 years and two years after living together with husband I discovered his drug addiction. But I decided to continue in the relationship hoping he woudl let go crack cocaine and commit to me, Nights and days all by myself, not sleeping to keep my job, and just me supporting the house, he would not keep the jobs, we moved from two cities and states in order to find a change, lies, stories, promises and no change.
Well, finally after 8 years, after so many years of undesireable events, I got sick last October and it was like my wake up call because when I got sick I called the emergency line and they rushed me to the hospital and no way to find my husband and no way to get him on the phone, because he was too busy in his own poisoned world.
That right there was what woke me up. He was addicted to crack cocaine. To make the story short, I decided to separate and we did early this year with the intention to be gone for a year, but it did not happen, he moved to an apartment right on the bad neighborhoodand his addiction became worse, and I got my apartment in another area. We kept the communication and I was finding myself providing for him, he would call me or email me about needing money for food and pay bills and stuff, on the second month he decided to go to a program which I was happy about if he decided to stay there for a year, but he only stayed for two weeks, until he called me one day said the program people let him go because he had an argument with some other guy, and I guess I felt bad knowing that he would not have a place to go because he turned his apartment and I was missing him as well.
Well, the good part of this story is that since we got back until now which has been 5 months he's been clean. He has not been gone like he used to, hopefully I'm not blind, but that's what I've seen. and evey month he is claiming his victory which I really dislike when he's counting the days. and by reading this you probably saying so, what's wrong now.
Well, since august I discovered he has some other addiction, which is a fetish I've been known, and I did not know it has been developed that bad. Back in august I discovered some charges to our joint account to some website, which I found out they are related to porn stuff. the amounts ranges from $5 to $49, I was able to find his pass login to the site and discovered that he's a member, he's member on some other website related to his fetish, and he is using that as his escape paradise now, I knew about his fetish which I never thought it was that deep... but never give much attention even though there were times where affected me, but not as much as the drug addiction. The worst is that he has been gone to this site and youtube to watch those videos, plus chat online, he has a camera which he bought supposedly to communicate with his mother. I decided not to be with him, and he's been sleeping in the living room, so he's using that right there as an excuse and told me once, that he is a man and he has his needs...
We have been arguing a lot because he says I have no proof, and that I'm accusing of things he's not doing. the times I told him about it, he denies it, then he kind of confessed it and told me that he did it because I was not paying attention to him. But I have kept my boundaries all along and he does not get it, and promised me about more than 3 times he was gonna stopped, I keep monitoring his visits to those websites hoping he really stopped, and Nope!! and I just have kept it to myself and I have been having attitude changes, I tried to stay calm and I get angry, but he tells me if I still think he's doing that, that I'm accusing him, the last times we argued he had been verbally offenssive to me, and claims he is not doing what I think he is doing. I got my proofs which one day he was kind of forcing me to show him where I found what I said about him being on those website, but I refused to let him know, because I know he's not crazy, if he's doing it, I don't have to show him nothing.
Now, he joined this church, and tried "supposedly to look for marriage counseling within the church and he still doing it, so what is going on. I really don't want to continue with my husband anymore. He is a liar, and he knows how to covered up, the other thing that is bothering me it's some I found out he wrote on one of those forums, I rented a car a few weeks back and he asked me to let him use the car, so he wrote on that forum that one night he went to meet a client and he went around the bad neighborhood to drive around and saw this beautiful girl and he offered to pay her money to his fetish. For what he wrote on it, he said he did...I don't know if that happened for real, but it could be true because now that I remember he did go to meet a client for some work he was supposed to be doing, and what was weird that it was late at night, and it took him closed to 4 hours to get back home.
Since he has promised me that he would stop, and then applogizes, and then all the stories he have given me, he has spending money. but I know it's not drug anymore, well I can sleep on that I know, but I'm really in between walls, I already told him I want out of this marriage but he tells me the drug is no more there, so why I am doing this, he says maybe I have another man, and that I'm listening to the devil, not God. So basically he's seeing it the way it's not.
He says he's been trying to be nice to me. Monitoring his habit is making me sick, especially when I know it's happening and he is acting like he's not. but since he's untruthful I really been so confused. I have chosen not to tell him anything else about what I know, he still doing it, he gets so loud and angry because I'm just making up things... he is getting away with it. oh, I also see his text msgs women asking for pics...so, I need really some advise, I know you guys can't tell me what to do, but I'm here again to get some feedback to this part of my story. I'm afraid to just give him one more of the too many chances I have given all these 9 years, and maybe if I tell him again that I know he kept going to this site again and again, he would denies it again and just do like he did a few days back he password protected his computer so I can't get in to his history. I have thought, I already know what's up, I'm leaving in a lie, he wants to have me around, and make this marriage work in his own conditions while he still feed his addiction... he wants to be intimate iwth ime, and he still wants to do his things and when I'm not present and during my sleep he sill go an do it, so what's the use of being married. It's been my fault all along for not putting my boundaries,
I was focused on one addiction but not the other, now the other one kicked in, and I don't feel right being with him intimately. Help! thanks in advance for your words.
I got one more concern even thought I was told I'm not the one to change my husband, I fear if I let go all this happening in my life with husband, and by him being clean for 5 months, that his addiction to crack cocaine might return if he continues doing this sex online addiction.
Dont know how long you have been in the program of Alanon or if you have been to a face to face meeting, but you need some good medicine in your life. Glad you found us.
You dont need his permission to leave, you did it once. I hope you really look into Alanon and find out what the philosophy is about. Boundaries are not made in hopes that it will straighten out the addict. The boundaries are for you. Sounds like your obsessed with his behavior and not doing what you should be doing for yours.
You already know he is an addict , do you need the proof too. Addiction is about lies, manipulation, compulsion. Unless he is in recovery and really working a program, it will continue.
I hope you will keep coming back and concentrate on making yourself well and whole again.
Alanon is here for you, just grab on to it, its your only hope. Luv, Bettina
Thank you Bettina, I do recognize that, I have not been here too long, and yes, I see this is affecting my moods, and I feel like I don't want to be around him anymore eveyday I find that, but I do it, because that's the only way I can see he is not telling me the truth, if I don't chek then I try to be nice and believe all his lies, I'll be in a spider web. I confess, I have been somewhat afraid too much thinking about if I leave him, how he's going to survive without me, and stuff like that. and I know, it's not that hard, we have been together total of 9 and officially married for 5 years and no children. The other day he came to my computer and found out I joine Alanon and got upset, because he said why I am following this group, I'm doing this for me, that's why I started to join this group.
Why is it so important that you see proof, dont you have enough?? What difference would it make.
Addicts lie all the time. Their addiction makes them do behaviors that are unacceptable.
I really suggest you get yourself to a face to face Alanon meeting. Its what you really need...not more turmoil. Sure he got upset that you joined Alanon, he's afraid of loosing his control over you.
Its time to take control of your own life and not worry about what will happen to him. This is what you can do for yourself and him. Addiction if left to progress is fatal. We can love an addict to death, theirs.
Good for you for joining! Addicts are notoriously adverse to change. Anything that they perceive threatens their drinking (or any other addictive behavior, whether it's drugs, gambling, sex, whatever - take your pick) causes them fear and anxiety. The anxiety won't show up like anxiety - it will usually show up like anger. Just realize that it has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the alcoholic's fear. They are also self-centered enough to believe that people join Alanon because of them. My AH has been sober for about 2 years, and still, about 6 months ago I heard him say on the phone that Alanon is an AA support group. *Shakes head* - I believe that alcoholism is a family disease, and that as person that has been in family relationships with alcoholics, I am also sick and need recovery for myself. I don't need support because my husband is in AA. I need support because I am sick.
In any event, as a little time passes, he will be less threatened.
I understand about monitoring someone else's habit making me sick.
In addition to Alanon meetings for family members of alcoholics, there are also support groups for spouses of sex addicts. The recovery method is largely the same, but the people in the meetings about sex addiction will have been exactly in your shoes. It helps a lot to have people to talk to that have been where you are.
So glad you are here -
Summer
-- Edited by White Rabbit on Sunday 21st of November 2010 06:39:08 PM
