he's mad at me? really? - Al-Anon Family Group

eyeswideopen · Veteran Member

he's mad at me? really?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Eyes

So glad you attended a meeting and felt the benefits of the sharing.

I am sorry that the day did not work out for you or your family. In reading your post it is evident that you are upset with your husband over many issues. Al Anon can help you address these issues and enable you to discuss them in a constuctive manner.

When we are not in a meeting al anon asks that we pick up simple tools to deal with the insanity that develops at home.

Please remember to keep the focus on yourself, Come here to post, say the serenity prayer, live one day at a time and do not project.

He may be angry but you do not have to be Read a book, play with the children keep the focus on the positive. You do not know how he will act tomorrow so wait until then to decide how to respond.

I know you do not want to pretend that all is well and no one asks you too. We are asking you to take care of yourself and get the clarity you need to make constructive choices That usually takes about 6 months to a year in program.

This is a process and it is progress not perfection

-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 21st of November 2010 08:18:40 PM

eyeswideopen · Veteran Member

Hi Betty.

I have been really sick so I just stayed in bed but I had dinner and acted normal with all the children. The funny thing is that that really pisses him off. I guess if he's miserable we are all to be miserable but I told him before that I will not cause upset to the kids and I'm not being fake but rather trying to instill calmness for the kids and he has to accept that.

I keep telling myself that it's part of the merry-go-round and not to get on it. It's weird, I spent a long time detaching from my ex-husband and when I fell in love with my current, I was so happy sharing with someone again. Now, I need to detach again? It's not fair.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Again Eyes

You sound good!!

I hear you about the connection and feeling good about it Right now meetings sharing there and with others here could work for you

Eventually new tools will develop that will enable you to detach with love and connect with hubby again in a constructive way

It is a process you are doing great smile

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

well... us codependent enablers get totally attached to other people, that is our "sickness" and that is why we are unhealthy. Attempting to control another person - is also an impossible task set in delusion/lies -- bc YOU can only control and /or change YOU.
   So, it is healthy to detach and use those boundaries. You have set a boundary not to get emotional and nutty that way with the kids - by taking the bait and pushing the power (energy, feeelings, focus-it is manipualtive) around. It sounds like you have had some healthy early training by your parents &/or care givers - unlike us ACoA's (adult children of alcoholics/addicts and chaos/dysfunction) who never had boundaries as kids in our homes... we have to define what healthy is for us, at least perhaps you have some healthy early (emotional/self esteem) training there. Healthy people have boundaries and you saying you want calm and assertive for the kids - that is the healthiest/best thing to keep doing.

Distract them and you, take the attention away and detach from his behavior - with what he is doing and/or not doing. EnJOY yourselves and love, honor and resepect each other. If you teach them to cope and feel and breathe and be calm through a crisis, they will end up coping well (better) as adults for your role modeling this behavior.

When our parents get upset and panic, the kids do too. Kids emulate their parents - and they default to what was done to them... changing anything else is an extremely difficult challenge to us all here. Focus on YOU and what u can do. I have a parenting book from a-z for younger kids and it says always discipline (educate, explain, teach) when you are calm and be kind. Kids do not deserve a parent's misdirected and misplaced anger or pain - that is how the disease spreads - we put our hurt out there and then we expect others to pick up the tab on the pain.
   The A manipualtes us into owning responsibility for their shortcomings and when we love them, we rush in to defend them to themselves (so sick, isnt it?) and to protect them, while we hurt our own kids and abuse them in the same way we were abused - thru being ignored/neglected and other wise not listened to. Kids are so wise. They are aware of and feel everything - that is why it is so healthy and important that you teach them to detach and be emotionally self sufficent -- that happiness and peace are inside jobs.

As u set boundaries and stand up for you and u get healthier in ur program- the A will try harder to get u to freak out emotionally and bite the drama. Like now, he is mad LOL, the are always mad - that is how they fear us into feeding all of our energy, hope and attention on them and what they may do or might be. They are excellent actors and master manipulators - dont take the bait and everything is bait.

Take care of YOU, whatver that looks like. We can love and support others and not agree with their choices - detach from his choices, it is not personal - it is merely a consequence of our behavior. When u detach and stop trying to manipulate and control back - then u wil grow abundantly. When we focus on us, we get our lives back from this soul sucking disease. Welcome to your recovery program.

We are there to share w each other but we have to know we are on our own human walk-journey called life. We all get to feel-deal-heal from our lives or not, we go down in flames and pain and complications.

As I surrender my way, my ideas, my plans to HP/god and open up to new possibilities and life, surrendering my ego and allowing HP to take up more space - handing the reigns over to HP/god, life becomes more joyful, easier and more of what I wanted in the first place happens. It is kinda like love and faith, forgiveness - we must practise it, to have it in our lives. Dooing it daily, like exercise, it makes it more effortless and easy.

I was told when I landed in alanon and I would have done anuthing to change and I so then became willing to open, to hear and not say no -but to listen and learn and be willing to try and make mistakes - small hurdles or booundaries/steps bc then u have a better chance of succeeding (when our expectations are low- we dont get disappointed/resentful) bc this work (healing the mind/behavior) is tricky lol.
   I was told that - letting go is the easiest thing in the whole world. It is the hugest relief and forgiveness is the most incredible and transforming spiritual tool there is. You are worth the risk.

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

P.S. Life is never going to seem fair - change your perspective and see the good/gratitude or fun in any situation and your mood will improve immediately. You can pray and give it over to HP and let the burden go, that works, what we willingly hand over is taken. But bc of free will, you have to actually choose to hand it over.

Life is not personal, what happens to us in our lives is a consequence of the choices we make, period. I quit taking it personally and fighting my god/HP and reality when I could accept that - I control very very little, just me. But with love and respect, it fosters cooperation, so say ,y cats, they come when I call them LOL - but we cant control another being. We can intimidate but not control, that is always a choice. Powerlessness in step 1 means, taking accountability for me and how I feel.

I like to think of the word: responsibility - as the ability to respond. I spent my whole life reacting. Being able to cope and respond is a healthy way (and not in an emotional outburst) while navigating life and other people- is having emotional health and working solid boundaries. Your kids are lucky to have you - they need one sane parent.

Focus on you and learn to differentiate and seperate your husband from the disease.

What can you do to feel better right now/today ~ what do you now have, that you can be grateful for?

-- Edited by kitty on Sunday 21st of November 2010 08:22:34 PM

eyeswideopen · Veteran Member

Thanks, Kitty!

I did laugh about having healthy early training. Actually, I was bred to be co-dependent just like my Dad as my mother has Aspergers. It made me the perfect target for a man suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, my first husband. It was during my intensive therapy to get over the many abuses and indignities that man dealt me that I also dealt with my former 'training' to be co-dependent.

That is probably was is saving me right now: I know how to police my own boundaries and protect myself.

I guess I was excited about being in a marriage where there were two equals, sharing and loving and alcohol was no longer a part of my life.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.