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I feel so overwhelmed and over my head here and I hope that someone can give me some advice.
I was married to an alcoholic that did nothing to hide his addiction. In fact, he used it as a weapon: we both knew how violent he would get when he was drunk, so to 'put me in my place' whenever I tried to talk to him about something serious, he would order a double scotch as a warning.
Anyway, he's not why I am here. I recently remarried only to discover that I married a 'secret alcoholic'. He assured me that he was dealing with his problem and that he was attending AA meetings. He is aware that I am not willing to go down this road again. He isn't a violent drunk but he is very cruel. He's also mistaken me for his ex-wife whom he is very angry at.
So, here is my question: he's fallen off the wagon again. He doesn't think I know. But the cooking sherry bottle has emptied and refilled itself at least three times in as many days. I'm tired of the secrecy and I know he will be so indignant if I confront him and become child-like. I took the now near empty sherry bottle out of the pantry and placed it on the countertop. Should I have done that?
I am incredibly angry because his two children are here and his drinking puts me in charge of them. What if something were to happen? I do not have legal authority for medical intervention.
I was in therapy for a long time for PTSD due to the abuse of my first husband. She described his abuse as a 'merry-go-round' up and down but just circling around going nowhere. I see that pattern here to. It's always the same: he comes up with a plan, promises not to drink, goes to lots of AA meetings, then he wants to discuss my ex-husband's alcohol use, then he talks about how he doesn't identify with anyone in the AA meetings and that 'he's not like that at all', then he starts to secretly drink, then one night he will go out of his way to pick a fight with me so that I end up walking on eggshells, then he does manage to corner me into a confrontation and he says horrible things to me, then he has such remorse and guilt and then the promises of more meetings, plans etc. Thus the merry-go-round goes around once again.
He will lose visitation of his kids if he keeps it up and rightfully so. I will LOSE it if I knew my kids were with my ex while drunk and they are much older than these two.
It cost me a lot financially to move here and marry him. I gave up a good job, most of my belongings. I don't even think if I decide to go home if my car will last the trip. I've messed up my life so badly on this man.
I think I should put the bottle away, but how do I let him know that I know? or do I?
Welcome to MIP and alanon. I hear you and understand your sadness and fear.
Alcoholism is a disease. You did not cause it, cannot control it, and cannot cure it. Alaanon believes that this disease affects each member of the family. Since we are powerless over this disease confronting the drinking person usually is not productive . We do not give advise in alanon because only you know what isbest for your situation.
The tools that helped me were attending meetings, focusing on myself, Living on now You have come to the right place . You are no longer alone and if you decide to come back you will be offered some incredible tools that will enable you to live your life with courage, dignity and wisdom.
You are very wise. Living with the disease of alcoholism, is very much like being on a merry go round. In fact we have a booklet entitled, { The Merry Go Round Named Denial " It completely describes what you have lived thru.
Please try to find Face to Face alanon meeetings in your community. It is important to break the isolation and connect with those who understand. The meetings are held in every community You can find one in your area by going to the white pages and looking for alanon. We have 2 on line meetings here each day and a open chat.
There is help and hope
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 21st of November 2010 01:14:20 AM
I know that he expects me to keep up the pretense that everything is fine but I cannot do that again. But if I let him know that I know then that's confronting?
My biggest problem is that I was so badly burned by my ex-husband that any form of communication over alcohol leaves me shaking with fear. Perhaps someone who hasn't already survived one relationship where alcohol abuse was a big factor could handle this but I just can't. I live with PTSD everyday and alcohol is a huge trigger for me, it's like I'm back to that place where I'd have to hide behind the couch or in a closet and although I don't think my new husband would abuse me the same way, to me it is abusive to make me relive this nightmare all over again.
I feel like I was totally scammed. He knows how my ex would get drunk and then assault me, doesn't he realize how afraid I am right now? That even though intellectually I know they are two different people but on a primal level I am scared out of my mind?
I am so sorry for the pain you have experienced aa a result of this disease Your fear is not to be ignored. We do belive in being honest and asying what we mean, meaning what we say and try not to sy it mean.
You are right your current husband is not like your first husband A honest discussion might be the solution.
Aloha Eyes...Yeah if you're feeling queazy about putting the bottle out so that it screams "Gotcha" I'd suggest you put it back and then...go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number for the Al-Anon Family Groups and call. If you get a live voice talk for a while but do get the meeting times and places so that you can get to a face to face where you will find a chair of your own and a family who knows where you are right now, mind, body, spirit and emotions. I suggested what I did and what worked for me. Putting the bottle out like that also says of many things...I've been watching and you've been screwing my rules up. That often pisses an alcoholic off (as you have already experienced) and after that along with the alcohol the testosterone and adrenalin and all kinds of other chemicals start mixing and messing with his head and emotions. You can become a bigger victim so use your best thinking...go to the phone.
What a person would not normally do when they are not drinking they are very liable to do when they are. Take care of yourself...you are not alone... we and the fellowship are now with you and keep coming back...(((hugs)))
I will put the bottle back, unfortunately we live in a tiny loft apartment and there's no way I can make a phonecall but I did find a meeting tomorrow at 10 that I can hopefully sneak out to. If not, I'll go to one on Monday. As much as I would love to talk to a live person right now, this is as close as i can come to it.
He is passed out on the couch for the night right now. Last night I dragged/carried him upstairs and got him ready for bed because his daughter was having night terrors and wouldn't be settled by me. Tonight, I got her to bed without the crying and just left him on the couch.
I guess I was hoping for an apology today but instead all I got was the repeated question "are you mad at me?" in essence, an attempt to start a confrontation. I was absolutely galled that he drank AGAIN tonight. But I wasn't surprised. The secrecy is stupid and we've discussed it before. He knows that given my history, I'm not easily fooled so there's no reason for it. He wants to fall off the wagon, then fine.
I'm going to go grab a drink of water and put the magically refilling bottle back.
Good for you and hope you just don't "sneak" off to the meeting...that's a fear word and alcoholism thrives on the emotion of fear on both sides. That is why he ask "are you mad at me"? He is remembering the promises he made to you and himself from the past that the disease has kicked to the curb...When the compulsion overtakes us; without willingness and help from others who know we're gone. His voices are already telling him she must be mad, he would be if he were in your shoes and in fact he is...his alcoholic self has come back home (the Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde) and he doesn't have anymore control than you have over what the disease is going to do next. Go get help for yourself and if you have a spare prayer...say one in hope that he does also.
I guess I am afraid to tell him that I'm going to this meeting. He goes to AA meetings to justify his own drinking. The old "I'm not as bad as that guy" routine.
I would think that these would be cautionary tales, as in "wow, I'm glad I caught my drinking before that happened" reaction.
Hello and welcome As suggested pls get yourself to a meeting where all the people there will understand just what you are going through and let you know how the program helped them learn to cope and live with this disease. You will find love and support We also have meetings here online twice daily if you need support inbetween. You are not alone I will tell you just from my own experience that if you "feel" your husband has been drinking than he probably has been and while we want so badly for them to validate what we know it is just futile, they know all the lies and promises to drag out so it seems like we are the ones not seeing things clearly. Believe what you see and feel. I can't even begin to tell you how many times i bombarded my son with question after question until he would finally admit that he had been using drugs. And what did that get me? nothing because I already knew the answer and i got no satisfaction from him admitting it. All it did was maybe send him the message that I might not "really" know. But honestly trying to get the A to validate what we already know is so very tiring and all it does is mess with my serenity. It's just not worth it, Please keep us updated on your meetings Blessings
How would you feel if you had a secret cheesecake and you found it out like that?
He is not a child hon. He is a very sick individual. It is a disease, they drink or use other drugs. It is the nature of the beast. As a lion roars, an addict uses!
He does not do it to hurt you or the kids. He does it because he is sick.
A's find the type of person they want to be a parasite off of. They can be out of control but still have that person who will take care of them.
they find caretaker types, It is not you or anyones fault!
I am so sad the disease was strong enough to help you decide to leave everything for him.
If I were you I would start building up a separate account, get myself in a very independant place so I felt secure. I am not saying leave or stay, not my call. But I know when I was proactive in building me back up, the situation was not so hard to face.
We do better if we detach and work on our "own thing." The more we build up the less the disease has over us.
I know you are sad, I know that horrible feeling! It will get better if you take a positive stand and work on you. Get that car in shape. We like to suggest a plan B always. Have a bag of your needs put somewhere outside the home. extra car keys, some money, water, list of phone numbers, what ever you need in case you decide to get out fast.
Protecting you will help you feel better too.
We cannot control what they lose. The more they do lose the better. They need to get to a point they cannot take anymore.
My A had nothingt and still was locked in the madness of his disease.
Your life is not over, you did not ruin it! You were just blessed with a lesson! I am sure you have grown from this and will continue to. It will make you a better person. You are going to stand up from this adversity. It will be your miracle.
Again it does not mean you have to leave. We can work on us and stay if we choose. We can learn to love the A but hate the disease.
Getting Them Sober is a great book, the first volume opened my eyes big time.
You can still get another good job, stuff is just material stuff, always more you can get if you choose. There is something to that saying, today is the first day of your life. We can keep going, climb out of the pit.
If I had not been so beat up by my A's addiction I would not be who I am today and I would not be here at mip.
It has made me realise what is important and what is not. It has made me realise I can take care of me my home and my animals on my own.
I also learned what a process it all was.
you will be ok. we are here for you. love,debilyn
-- Edited by lyndebi on Sunday 21st of November 2010 02:45:42 PM
"Secret alcoholic" = most of the alcoholics I've met. It is a disease of shame and secrecy, and the shame and secrecy of it fuel the desire to drink and not feel.
Going to an Alanon meeting is something that you do for you - not to change someone else. If you decide to tell him you're going, you can truthfully tell him that the meetings are for your own health. Changing someone else's behavior or choices is not a part of the program! ;)
Glad you are here, and also glad you decided to put the Sherry bottle back. I know that feeling soooo well ... someone is drinking on the sly and not doing a particularly good job covering their tracks, and either outright lying about it or minimizing it. I would really want them to know that I KNEW what was going on. I wanted them to understand that I was not fooled. In time, I came to question why this mattered to me. At the heart of it, I wanted validation that what I'd deduced about someone else's addiction was correct. So I went looking for validation from the addict - the sickest person in the house. Lying is part of addiction. I would ask insane questions of the A, like, "Are you drinking?" and then be hurt and disappointed and sad when he said no, but I found "proof." I would do this over and over, and it became my insanity. Doing something over and over and getting the same result, but still doing it in the hope of getting a different result is INSANE.
In my own recovery, I have learned that the only validation I need is my own. I don't need to ask questions that I already know the answers to. I do not need to believe words when the actions show differently, but I need also not go out of my way to point it out to the other person - who also knows the truth, and who is already shame-filled and guilt-ridden about it, even if he doesn't act like it. I also learned that drinking and lying about it was not something the alcoholic was doing TO me - it was something he was doing to himself, and anyone else that got mowed down in the process was just collateral damage. As cold as it sounds, it's not personal.
Nothing we (as family members of alcoholics) do will make the alcoholic stop drinking. He or she is the only one in charge of that decision. We can, however, control whether we decide to be in a relationship with an active alcoholic and, what boundaries we need for our own protection. Best thing is to get into a meeting for yourself, and dig in hard to your own recovery - refocus your attention on yourself. Alcoholics choose recovery when the pain of living the way they have been living becomes too great. The best case scenario happens when everyone that has been taking care of the alcoholic - cleaning up financial messes, cleaning up physical messes, cleaning up legal messes, cleaning up employment messes, etc. - can let go enough to let the person experience the consequences of his or her choices. My sponsor says that when the alcoholic jumps out the window, I need to get out of the way so that I am not the soft mattress he falls on - the mattress that absorbes the whole weight of the fall. When I get out of the way and the A hits the ground, it will make more of an impact on him.
