The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well - here I am on the other side of a LOT of big things happening. Daughter turned 18, graduated, I just turned 40 2 days ago, we both applied and were accepted to college and am still in the process of unpacking my first house that I bought completely on my own.
Wow.
Exhausted, exhilarated, scared, angry, sad . . . went through the gamut . . . many tears were cried and many dances of celebration. Gave away animals that were part of the family, said goodbye to our family and friends, and left my dream home so I didn't have to pay their mortgage anymore (sunset pic as I was actually leaving for the last time).
I did it. I did it all on my own.
The interesting thing is - I haven't moved in 9 years - for me that is a LONG time - my average is 2. So I get to touch every single thing I own. Including my 4th step, old photos, mementos. I get to go through my life and remember things and piece things together that normally don't adhere in any tangible fashion. The house is quiet and we are getting to know each other while the kid is gone for the weekend. It is slowly becoming home. It is not taking me nearly as long to figure out where I am when I wake up in the morning. I spent today doing some inside gardening . . . and now my kitchen looks like a sand box. But it was worth it! I have attached some pics. I also bought myself a mirror for my bday - $50 on craigslist and it is easily worth $500 - $700 or more. The house isn't even CLOSE to put together ............... OMG I just heard thunder!!!! We don't have that where I am from! How cool! I love my new place. Anyway, on vacation and spending time doing what I want to do. Opera, Harry Potter, meetings . . . the world is mine and I just did a geographic - so I better enjoy it before my problems catch up with me!!!! LOL.
As a kid - well I was adopted and then my parents split - so there was a little animosity or buyers remorse happening where I was concerned. Then my mom married an abusive guy and life became not only not loving, but physically and verbally abusive. So I left. I went to my Dad who was in my mind, my savior . . . always had been. Well, he wasn't very interested in this parenting thing either and basically it was "screw up and you are out." One of his favorite sayings was "I just don't have time for this in my life."
No consistency in the men of I have dated . . . but there sure was in me! If I showed ANY emotion at all, which was rare (Dad) - it was anger (Step Dad). One of my favorite sayings was "I just don't have time for this in my life" . . . anytime there was a single bump in a relationship I was gone. hmmmmm sounds familiar! There was never any drama in my life - because there was never any FEELINGS in my life.
Interesting realizations over the past couple of days. The other WONDERFUL realization is that I tried with the A. I didn't run . . . well that is a lie . . . I ran OFTEN . . . but I tried. I tried to learn how to communicate. I jumped into recovery and tried to stick with the relationship. That is improvement. That is enough. Early recovery is tough - especially with an AA newcomer (3rd relapse) as a bf. So I am proud of myself. I am going to KEEP learning and keep trying. I am going to try "I am not very good at this, please be patient and work with me." I am going to try "I am sorry." I am going to listen and not hear "You are a bad person" through my Tricia filter.
I love the healing, awareness, and growth Al-Anon brings to my life. I KNOW I am not going to get it overnight. It took me 40 years to get this way - it is going to take a bit to change. I am going to be patient with myself and ask the same of others. I am so glad this is where I am when I turn 40. The second half of my life is going to be even better than the first - and the first was pretty darned good. What a way to bring it in! Life just keeps getting better.
How very hopeful a share....I soooo hope you make it. One day at a time you've made it this far. The next 40 I see will come with a chip the first one came with 3 years in program learning to grow up. My imagination let me watch you retouch the treasures from your past and it was nice. Mirror is cool. Looks like a magic one which will only reflect back the totally acceptable child of God you are. Thanks for the share ((((hugs))))
You know, I spent a lot of time thinking about this today as I took a drive. One of my favorite things to do. Getting to know the new area and having a blast. Today was LOTS of snow. Leave home where it is 50+ degrees and be in a foot of snow with chains required in an hour. I got to say thank you for my 4 wheel drive as they let me pass, no chains required! What an adventure it was.
A life with no feelings . . . The thing is, if I look back over my life I am a pretty darned happy person - so there are feelings - it is just the bad ones I can't process, respond to, or even handle. So that is where I will turn my focus. On expressing my anger and dealing with that from others. Kind of goes along with my previous post about anger. I guess the internal discussion is progressing and I am narrowing down my focus. Peeling back the layers of the onion.
I am happy. Always have been and it has been something that people comment on consistently. But I run from negative . . . anything I guess.
I am ok with that and look forward to practicing dealing with anger. I have ordered the book "Responding to Anger" and will be working on it in my program as well.
I guess the big milestones, while being fairly new to recovery, have inspired a lot of self reflection and I am loving it! A friend of mine I hadn't seen in a while said, "Tricia, you have laugh lines! I knew you would never have frown lines." That made me smile. I am very interested in getting to know myself - then perhaps someday I will be more aware of and know others better and have more healthy, intimate relationships.
First of all: Happy Belated Birthday! I'm sorry I forgot. Well actually Pipers forgot to remind me.
As always your shares are inspiring, encouraging, loving, thoughtful and enlightening. You have got this inventory thing down pat. I need to learn from you. The pictures are beautiful. I clicked on your homepage and they are even more beautiful. I can feel the serenity all around you.
May your new home bring you peace love and joy. Thanks for being such a special part of MIP. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
