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Welp, Coming up on Year two since I lost my Afather to this Gut Stabbin Disease, and yes I know all was his choices, and all was his Disease, however, knowing these things does not lesson the fact that Tomorrow I will have to yet again, Celebrate his birthday with out him...
Tomorrow My Afather would have been 60 yrs old...I have accepted to an extent that he is gone, not having a veiwing when he past, was really hard on me, because my "Small Town" family ALWAYS had a viewing to say good bye... That was not an option for us, since dad had been past a couple days before he was found... It has tore holes in my heart and at times, I catch myself Wanting to stop by and visit him... He lived on a side street about a mile from me!
How can the brain play such tricks on my mind, I mean its been two years, and I still haven't been able to take his Cell # out of my Phone, I guess having it there gives me some kind of security, some kind of reminder like I'm going to forget him if I remove it... I know it sounds crazy but he was my security blanket when times were tough, and him being gone I didn't just loose a father, I lost a Friend in the end...
I can't say because he is gone now that he was a Great Father, Anyone that has grown up with an Alcoholic knows that they struggle with ALOT, And Both his Parents were Alcoholic, and his Father Overdosed (On Purpose), and called to tell my Father when he knew it was to late for him to get to him... My Father beat women, screamed at the top of his lungs when he felt threatened, Cried when he drank to much, Laughed when you needed it, Hugged me when I didn't want to stand in my own shoes anymore, and some how everything seemed to melt away because of it ... I MISS THAT...
My Mom is the greatest "NOW" when it comes to support, but she is such a "Cody" and she jumps into "Save me" mode when I have a problem instead of just "LISTENING" ... Dad was my Listener...(He was a GREAT Listener as long as I was Talking About ME, Not Him)... There isn't a loss or a pain I can think of that has ever really hurt more then the loss of my father, and i have lost Family members all my life that i have been close too...
I guess I am just really Sad, really missing my Dad, and Really just have got to the point where I could "Skip" the entire Month of Nov. and be OK with that... Tomorrow is his Birthday, Next weekend is the day he died, and the week after that ... I baried him in the ground... Nov... is Not what it use to be... And Nov/Thanksgiving Use to be my Favorite holiday... Till Dad Died On Thanksgiving...
Missing his Hugs, His Laugh, His Smile, His Twisted Since of Humor, his Sarcasm, I miss him saying "I Love you Too", and "Here Comes My Girl", I miss him standing with his arm around me, I miss Shooting Pool with him, and Knowing he let me win... I just miss so much, I just pray that my HP Leads me to a place tomorrow, that i can at least be at peace with myself, A Place were I can Feel Close to him, and feel his presents...
Thanks for Letting me Share, and if you could Spare a Prayer for me I would be most grateful... I So Need Strength this week, making it thru this holiday... Thanks to great family they have taken over making the holiday dinner at their home now... Hoping One day I can get back to doing it myself, but Soo Not There Yet!
(((((((((((((((((Jozie)))))))))))))))))) I so remember this time and yet I cannot believe that it is TWO years ago since that time.
Of course you are going to still feel pain. I lost my mother six years ago and I sang a solo by her coffin in the church the day of her funeral( nope, I still don't know how I did that, but I did). Today we sang that hymn in church for the first time since then and I broke down in tears. I was taken aback by it, but then I hugged myself and realised that there are times when little reminders, events, things, words, looks, sunsets, and a whole heap of other things happen and when the whole pain has not been dealt with the happenings trigger the tears.
And the tears, well they serve to wash and cleanse those pains, those wounds, the nerve endings of the scar tissue.
(((((((((((((((((((Jozie))))))))))))))))))))))) enfolding you in hugs. You let that memory heal in love. Though the memory will always be there the pain heals in time and with love.
Holding you in prayer. Suzannah
-- Edited by Suzannah on Sunday 21st of November 2010 08:02:46 AM
__________________
Out of the ruin of my past I have found the fortress of myself and I know how to defend it.
Strive for WISDOM; Seek SERENITY; NEVER compromise your INTEGRITY.
