Feeling impatient - Al-Anon Family Group

maire rua · ~*Service Worker*~

Feeling impatient

glad lee · ~*Service Worker*~

Marie, I can tell you are very upset. I'm glad you came here to vent, this is where it belongs.

Perhaps if you re-read your post, you will see that you probably do have expectations... at the very least, that he should be a better father. Perhaps also because you are sick and some support from him would be very much appreciated.... of course! this is what a normal human being would do!

Aaaah, but is he "normal?" If he is an active alcoholic, he is very sick.

It helps me to remember that the only thing that's ever really bothering me is a variation of one thought... the thought that things shouldn't be happening as they are. Once I let go of that thought, and stop resisting what is, I feel better. It's a way of surrendering to my HP. I can argue with HP, I'm just never going to win. Acceptance is the solution to all my problems today.

Take good care of you and your son, whatever that looks like. Sometimes after an unhappy event, I like to clear the energy in my home, it helps me to start over... I either light a candle, burn incense, use a chime, etc.

I hope you feel better soon. ((hugs))

kitty · ~*Service Worker*~

I get impatient when I'm frustrated or things aren't going my way. The only thing I have learned that works is to surrender the control I am trying to manipulate. I can only control &/or change me. It also happened when I was pushing, directing or forcing something. Take it easy or step back a bit, like- how important is it? My one cat splashes in the water all the time, so I have to change the water very often. I used to fuss at her to stop it but jeez, her life is pretty boring inside all the time and it is just water I can wipe it up. I used to be irritable and stressed all the time and constatnyl worrying. Get into right now, this moment bc this moment is empowering. Dont jump ahead of yourself or reality bc that always will cause a problem, as we are ineffective. All we can do is right now. When I get ill, I assume god/HP wants me to slow it down.
As I surrender and get more open minded and willing, I become teachable in program. Praying and letting go of any negative feelings, well that can work too. Be sure to willingly hand over the feelings - bc of free will, HP/god will not take it from you, it must be your choice.

It is difficult to not have any expectations at all. I know I was fearful of the arguments when I was living with active addiction and tense. I expected the same thing I saw the day before, as past behavior is indicative of future behaviors. Changing is not easy, if it were - none of us would have any problems. Also, the expectations I had over myself were the most ridiculous and unreaslistic, we are not super heroes and we dont have to take on everything.

I say forgive yourself for losing your patience and/or being mean/abusive. Apologize to yourself and try to do better next time. Release it, turn it over, re-set to zero. Continue to focus on how great you are and your son is. Believe me, your child only wants for you to be happy and peaceful. Kids are desperate for their parents' happiness. Practise focusing on what you can do to allow you to feel better right now/today and take extra special care of yourself now. Rest and relax and drink fluids. Emotional work is exhausting, I had to sleep extra and take more water when I did any forgiveness work. It helps.

Take care of YOU whatever that looks like. As you recover and get healthier for you, you will be learning life long coping skills to one day teach your son. Our kids just want us to be emotionally available to them and to show up for life and living. Happiness and peace are inside jobs. My mom always worried. I would love to see her at peace with herself and life. All I can do is keep working on it in my life and hope the ripple affects help them too somehow, all in god's time. As I practise being happy, forgiving, loving, surrendering in the moment - I get to have it in my life a little more and more.
They say patience comes with wisdom. I have seen it comes when I stop controlling, manipulating and pushing my agenda and wants. Learning to let others -be- and accepting them where they are for who they are right now - and not taking it personally. I spent tons of time in my head, specualting on what others felt and thought - I was never right about it - what a waste of time. Practise enJOYing yourself and letting go in the passing/present moments and that will be the greatest gift you could ever bestow on your loved ones. TC & GB!

-- Edited by kitty on Saturday 20th of November 2010 09:11:31 PM

tlcate · Senior Member

Great honesty and good job apologizing. We are human. It happens. The old me would have whacked him verbally and then stood there indignant expecting him to agree with me!

Your cat looks exactly like the one we just gave away that we had for 8 years. His name was Bailey. Sounds like yours is just as much of a trouble maker.

Give him a hug - they are great little creatures.

I hope your son is feeling better soon.

I was recently talking with my real estate agent about my slight - and short - disappointment about the state of the house I just purchased. It was quite messy. After the initial shock - because of course the guy swore up and down he was going to "do the right thing" and I for some silly reason believed him - I stated that I should really, REALLY stop having expectations of others as it truly does just lead to disappointment. He looked at me and said "Tricia, you are way too young to be sounding like that." (Cynical)

I thought about that for probably a week. Learning to detach and not have expectations vs. being cynical. I believe being cynical is having low expectations of others - thinking they are going to do poorly ahead of time. Whereas having NO expectations is just that - none. Que Sera Sera - whatever will be will be.

I hope you feel better soon. Good job bringing it here to us.

Tricia

mjhyankees · Senior Member

i know what you mean. i do have expectations and find it hard not to. i mean who doesn't expect normal?

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.