The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks to everyone who replied to my last post. I am thinking a lot these days and keep repeating the serenity prayer to myself.
About sharing my recovery with bf. I guess I just want to share anything that is meaningful to me because there has been a real lack of sharing and communication because of the alcoholism. You are not communicating when one person is hiding things and lying all of the time and the other is always on the defensive. After thinking about it, it doesn't matter what he thinks. I really don't know this person at all. I know the person through the alcohol. That's sad.
I have been very proud of myself for not allowing him to rattle my chain. He is sick with pneumonia right now (from smoking) and I don't feel sorry for him one bit. Choosing to smoke when he knows he has weak lungs is his bad decision. I have not argued with him once, nor called him on anything and I have begun to feel the power in not falling into someone's traps. It is very empowering. It feels good.
I know the more indifferent I become, the more desperate he will become and will try harder to pull me down. I know the cycle. First he gets angry that he is not in control then he tries to be super nice, then he sees that it is not working, says something mean and then will cry like a baby and promise me the heavens and the stars. Some times I have fallen to avoid the angry outbursts. Other times I have fallen for the empty promises.
What I know though from experience, when I have detached and been very superficial, just being nice and ignoring the broken promises and, he just pretends as if life is grand. He never asks about me or anything important. He is content to just follow the little charade. Of course this hurts. It makes you feel invisible. Before, I didn't understand this. I though he was just being selfish. I have come to understand so much now that I see he is an alcoholic. What I am saying is that I know where this is headed and I really want it to end. He owes me some money which has complicated things. I am not a wealthy woman, I could use the money back. I know.....never loan money, you are not prepared to give as a gift. I know I need to just cut the money loose and him too. He has so much work to do on himself. I am already exhausted. Even if he turned into a saint while he was sleeping last night. I don't want to waste anymore time on him. I am just so emotionally exhausted, and knowing the energy it will make me expend to keep him away. So now I stay quiet like a little mouse, soring up my courage and energy to move on even when he is kicking and screaming and being able to stay focused on me without letting it take the toll one me. I know that being in touch with people like you will help me do this.
They can be exhausting, until we really come to understand and impliment detaching from all the emotional stuff that they heap on us and what we heap on ourselves.
I dont know how long you have been in the program, but it is a process. Once we really start concentrating on ourselves and take the focus off of them, we start to grow. Understanding our role in their life and understanding our own lives. Its quite enlightening.
I was married to the alcoholic for 26 years, we have been apart for over 2 1/2 years, I filed for divorce, but cant complete it as of yet because of insurance issues. Anyway, I use to think that the husband/drinker had all these plots against me. That he really did think out all the wrong doings that were perpetrated on me. I found out that it wasnt me personally and the drinking causes them to be cold, callous, arrogant, driven. I realized that it was my denial of this disease and how powerful it is. It was like fighting the Devil.
When they are in the gripes of this disease, there is not one thing we can do but take care of ourselves and children if any. I learned to withdraw and put down my weapons and create the boundaries I wanted for my life. I hope you are attending Face to Face Alanon meetings and that you will obtain a sponsor, this is important in this program. They have walked before us. Keep coming back and grow in recovery. Luv, Bettina
I remember the cycle well and I definitely played a part in the push and pull of my relationship with my A. The more I wanted it to work the more he pulled away and when I would pull away he would come charging at me. It was very unhealthy for both of us and communication played a big role in that. I am not very good at talking or listening - though I was trying hard to improve. I have no experience speaking my feelings and all I would here is "You are BAD." and stay on the defensive. As for his part - well, it was what it was . . . I was watching "Hook" the other night, one of my favs, and there is this part where Capt Hook says "MINE MINE MINE, ME ME ME, NOW NOW NOW" . . . and I thought . . . "Now, that sounds oddly familiar." LOL But we all get there at times.
I also remember being ready to leave but not having the courage. For me, this turned out very badly. It was obvious to him I was unhappy, which in turn made him unhappy - and both of us just weren't very nice to each other at all. But, it just took what it took and was done when it was done. We do the best we can.
Just know that you are in the right place and the tools that Al-Anon offers will help make this easier, however it turns out. Putting yourself first and taking care of you is never a bad thing - and in these types of situations - is critical.
We are here for you.
Tricia
-- Edited by tlcate on Saturday 20th of November 2010 09:45:47 PM
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
I lived the cycle in which you describe, too. I know it too well.
A woman at work, who is a recovering alcoholic, made a comment to me the other day that still makes me choke up. She said, "Hon, all the promises that your husband made to you, he really meant. But he couldn't keep them because he is sick."
This is true. But it still hurts. It was far too difficult to continue living with him. He is now in rehab for the second time, after going through detox. I wish him well. However, I don't contemplate getting back together with him, ever.
It took me a long while to finally say enough. We were married for 35 years.
Do what you have to do to take care of yourself. I'm sorry for your pain.
Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
