The material presented
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wow, ok - that was great. I just had a real conversation with my bf, in the moment. It was great. He did what I do and sat down on the kitchen step stool to process in the moment. I did interrupt when he said, ' "...and that makes me feel... : ' - I said no the doctor told me at 16 - you have to own your own response - nothing can make you feel anything, it allows us to feel - nothing can make us feel. Ok, so ok. He says when I say things that I need to do outloud and then dont follow through, it hurts him. So I sd, ok, so give it back to me - by saying u need to do that and detaching from that expectation. Once you forgive yourself it wont hurt you as much anymore -but- I dont know that. I followed up with - as he expresses the pain to me in the moment and lets me know that he is hurt, then I can know too bc I am totally unaware of it. Thankfully his sibling whom he grew up with, has ADD/ADHD too. I said, well me speaking out loud is how I get me to do things, it is like I am planning it and gearing up, figuring out what steps to take to do it most efficiently and correctly - bc that is how I think- meticulously.
I do however need to take more notice of when I use that word. It is imperative that when I throw that word out there, that I indeed do something about it. Ignoring my own needs is what the disease/family taught me. If I do that, I will feed my and strngthen my own sickness and it is not healthy, yes it is toxic for me to that - ignore my needs and not toss them around lightly. If I dont get up and do it for me, not only is no one else doing it - it is actually crushing to my partner, to ignore my own needs. That is that codependent pain and I can see that, I dont want him to choose to not help himself either - so picking the no box by speaking and not taking initiative, is what I am doing there. Guess I ought to give him the slogan, listen with your eyes so he can detach from my words - bc I gotta talk to myself to get going and he has to share it in the moment. That is responsible for us both. Im so thankfully he is listening and communicating now. Hopefully this will enable him to stop feeling attacked or disappointed - when he shares his own feelings more in the moment and learns to let go.
I know if he shares it in the moment, I will see his pain and maybe I can even identify it anyway -but- thas not my job here lol. He can respect himself by giving it back to me and sharing his truths in the moment. Detach, detach detach with loving kindness and keep be my own human.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Wow thank you for this Kitty! I totally know what you mean about detaching and staying with me. Right, I understand the part about owning what I feel and not saying "you made me feel ______" because no one is making me feel anything. I do the same thing, saying stuff outloud (my ADD) and my bf will look at me funny and I just say "its my ADD, I have to say it outloud or I forget to do it". He is getting used to it :) I know what you mean about ignoring my needs being taught to me. I always thought about everyone else more than me, and gave and gave and gave. Now I am learning through alanon to not do that. Its hard to turn around, but I am learning it :) Thaks Kitty!
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
So glad to hear about the good communication. On the rare occasions that my exA and I did this - it was beautiful and gave me a glimpse of what a truly intimate relationship could be. I WAY under communicate and he WAY over communicates. Left me saturated and left him feeling abandoned.
Strange dynamic. But when it worked - for those rare moments we were both on the same page - it was great. Nice to see your gratitude. It is amazing how much I took a good conversation - an open and honest conversation for granted.
Oh - and I talk to myself all the time - and answer! Those are the BEST conversations! Now that I have neighbors . . . well I am feeling a bit loony.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
