The material presented
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Hi everyone...I'm hoping for some feedback from you all, since I value your experiences so much on this journey.
Although I am here largely because of my AH, my brother also has a long history of addiction. Amazingly, I learned to detach on my own from him several years ago. He does not bring his substance issues around me or my children, and while we don't talk regularly, we do have a good relationship and we share that kind of unbreakable bond that siblings share when they grow up in a troubled household.
Our mother, while not a substance abuser, has her own addiction issues, including food, and she is a shining example of co-dependency at its best. However, after years of worrying and fretting and trying to control my brother, she, too detached from him fairly well a few years ago. Unfortunately, my mother's health is very, very poor. She is essentially homebound, and almost entirely bedridden. She weighs well in excess of 500 pounds, has diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, depression, and was recently told she has congestive heart failure. Privately, I believe she likely does not have more than a couple of years left with us. She is in her early 60s.
Yesterday, I talked with my brother, and he told me that for the umpteenth time, he and his girlfriend (who is also an addict, and who earns money as an exotic dancer) had a huge blow-out fight. He said this time was different, though, and that she was threatening to post a bunch of negative things about him on her Facebook page, etc. We talked about how he can't control what she does, and he asked me to let him know if I saw she posted anything about him on Facebook (she is one of my Facebook "friends" and her updates appear in my news feed there).
Within a few seconds of hanging up, I received a text message from his girlfriend, which she said she was sending as a "group text" to her friends and family. In it she said my brother had cheated on her with a prostitute, and that he would get nabbed by the "feds" any day now for dealing drugs.
Let me be clear: I do not judge his choices, or her choices. Their choices are their own to make, and I have detached from them and generally don't let his daily life affect mine. I have no idea if what she said is true, or not, and I'm actually not terribly worried about finding out the "truth." It's his life.
This was my dilemma, however. My dad, while totally unable to handle the stresses of mundane every day life, is great in a crisis. He keeps a level head, stays rational, and is able to keep things in perspective. I wrestled over whether I should call him and let him know what was going on. I used some of my Al Anon tools. I questioned my motivation for telling him. Was I trying to "tattle" on my brother? I asked myself if what I would say would be thoughtful, honest, intelligent, necessary and kind. Ultimately I decided that my motivation was for my dad to be prepared in the event that my mother hears about this. My mom is *highly* emotional, and she and my father, while still married, live apart due to his job. She is very isolated and alone, and if she heard about this she would completely and totally lose it. I decided it was best for *me* if my dad knew, because then if my mom finds out, she won't dump it all on me (which is her pattern...she and my dad are not happily married, and she tries to turn to me for a huge portion of her emotional support).
I told my dad, and as I expected, he was neither surprised nor hugely upset about it. He was detached from the behavior, and understood that my reason for telling him was so that between us, we will be prepared for the inevitable hysterical phone calls that will come from my mom if she hears about this. It felt good to share that burden with someone else, and to not feel like if I "turn my back" on my mom, she will have no one. Of course, I have also been learning over the past several years that I have to detach from my mom, too. I've been doing better at that, but I worry that this latest drama with my brother will send her right back to me, and I will allow her to trigger my co-dependency.
So...what do y'all think? Would you have made different choices? Thanks for reading, and for all your support and feedback.
Im a little confused, my question to you is are you concerned about your brother so you dont have to concentrate on your husbands alcoholic issues? You say your Mother is detached from your brothers addiction and handling it well, yet look at her health, she is 500 lbs and close to some major complications.
Also to react to a girlfriend who could be stirring up trouble because he broke off with her, you dont know what that was about, it was possibly heresay and speculation. You must have been worried about it or you would not have brought it up to your Father.
Stephanie to be honest, I think your off track here from your own path and recovery. I try to adhere to my own philosophy , which is stay in your own lane. I know you love your brother, but the Alanon philosophy is hands off from their addiction problems. You can show him your love by not getting involved in it. I would suggest turning it over to your HP and pray about your Mom and that you can get her to go along with you to a face to face meeting. We must encourage the Alanon philosophy to people who are struggling and hurting from this disease of alcoholism. Praying for you and your Mom. Luv, Bettina
What Bettina says really rings true with me...to me this falls into the category of feeling like you have to do "something". I felt that way with my wife for so long. I couldn't just let her drink, I had to do something to stop it. I couldn't let her be unhappy, I had to do something to fix it. I couldn't let her have an arguement with her mother, I had to do something to try and stop it.
Anyway, I think what you did is relatively harmless and I think your motivation was probably mostly a healthy one. But I think it's also all about being honest with yourself and really examining what you were thinking. It sounds like you were.
The HP thing is huge...it's been amazing to me how easily I've fallen into that...I know it's probably hard for a lot of people and I never expected it to be as easy as it has been for me. But when I have that overwhelming feeling of having to do "something" to fix a situation, regardless of what it is, I find it so much easier to just turn things over to HP and let it go. I think there's a fine line and I think it's key knowing when to act and when to turn to HP. But with time I think we all get there.
Thanks guys...the more I think about it, the more I think that my actions were not related to trying to get my *brother* to behave in a certain way, but rather to try and control my mom's environment to minimize stress on her. I need to accept that it is not my job, my responsibility, or even my option to do that, unless it involves my own behavior. In some ways I have turned her over to my HP...honestly, it's the only way I've been able to make peace with the fact that she will likely pass away in the next year or two. But in other ways, I am still enmeshed in a co-dependent relationship with her, trying to be the person SHE wants me to be, and trying to make her life as easy as possible. I need to turn all that over to my HP, too.
hey there. I want to start by saying if you are a codependent enalber - you already are triggered all the time. We get to learn how to feel-deal-heal our issues and unresolved emotions. We get to learn how to cope and make healthier decisions for our life and to accept others where they are and not try to attempt to change them.
Coming out, from a dysfunctional family - where the caregivers/parents are not emotionally available to the kids for whatever reason/s being-drugs, cheating, gambling, alcohol, work- whatever the excuse is to check out on life and feeling the emotions/energy. The A does not want to feel the feelings. All the other players around them do it for them, through their constant fixations/control issues.
See, u are trying to spare ur dad from your mom's reaction - and maybe what you expect in how she will react - is exactly right, she will react that way. But by focusing on what she may or may not do - that is part of the problem, you are sepculating about someone else's emotional reaction (not your business) and you are projecting into the future, which means it is taking YOU away from being productive, constructive, positive and effective in your own life. When we focus on others, we lose ourselves. And people resent us always checking up on them, they are adults, it says, u dont trust them to do anything correctly and that we know what is best for them. That is very arrogant as we do not even know what is best for ourselves. You are also validating the child script, by going to ur dad to get validation or share a secret (I did this cimpulsively within the famliy, I felt compulsed to tell everyone the truth - so I had no respect and no boundaries) - it lets us get their atention, get a manipualive one up on others or maybe we feel elevated for pointing and shifting focus, we sit back and say, see we are so right, we care so much, we are self sacrificing. That is what our disease says, yet we stay in an inactive position and under the parents wishes basically. I was willing to do this for a very long time. I sought my mother's attetnion/praise until I stopped it when I landed in program five years ago (42 now). This did not change until I researched and contemplated boundaries.
The other thing that caught my eye, was u sd - turn my back on her- that is not detaching, that is ignoring. Loving detachment means, I allow you to have your life and feelings. Detaching from what you are feeling allows me to experience and know what I am actually feeeling. We cannot rescue them by jumping on their feeling empathetically. All that does is take us away from feeling and expereincing us as a human being. We all get to feel and cope with our own minds - we cant do it for each other. And no amount of me loving on you will ever have the same effect or meaning, if you never love and consider yourself first. I know it didnt with me, now that I do love me and put me first. I was desperate for that love, validation and attention. I would have done anyhting for you, if I love you - like my friends and family. But that is unhealthy bc I did things that were not kind or understanding to/of me.
Healthy people have boundaries and they resepct and love themselves first. Give others the dignity that they will handle and cope with the consequences of their own choices. We get to do the same. You can love your mother and support her emotionally and not agree with her choices. You dont have to take that personally either, it is not your fault, they are here choices. Accept everyone right where they are and do not try to change them. That is after all the acronym for detach: Don't Even Think About Changing Him/Her.
When we set a boundary for us, like to not control others, then when I see me attempting to focus on them and control their feeling & reaction and incidentally the future - bc that is what projecting is - fear- Future Events Arent Real. Reality is right now, not in five minutes. Just right now, this moment, this is reality. Right now I can change. I can change my mind or do something entirely new and different. The choice is up to me.
Nothing changes when nothing changes, so worrying about all of them and what they may or may never do - is a waste of your life right now. YOUr life is fleeting- and before you know it, u look around and wonder what all the fighting was for. The fights are never what they are about usually either - there is deeper things going on. If we do not forgive us and others for the past, then it is unresolved and festering. Feel through your feelings and let the wave of the energy pass over you. Accept what happened and learn from it. The feelings cannot hurt us anymore then they already have. But by holding onto it and not releasing it in forgiveness - it continues to drag you down and burst forth sideways - in an emotinal outburst or freak out. Forgiving means it no longer can ever hurt or bother you. What we hold onto becomes a trap. What we fight about, we make real for our lives.
Make a dynamic step for you and foucs on just YOU the you inside, you feeel and deal with your feeleings and forgive. It is so freeing. When we are living in the moment and enJOYing our lives, which is the whole point to living, is loving, then we are radiant and happy and peaceful. It is such a blessing to let go and let god as previously mentioned. The past is gone and we are missing out on our own lives, worrying and directing everyone else. When I stepped back from constanyl telling my mom, what she should do and allow her to have her life without my .02 cents - I began to get self respect in my own life and in my choices and boundaries/consequences.
You will always feel helpless if you are rescuing someone else. Rescue the YOU inside and set yourself free. Wisdom and happiness are so much better then being right! Do what is right for you and healthy.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
It looks like you have received great feedback and have responded with a tremendous awareness.\
I just wanted to add that al anon is a process and that simply being aware of our actions, examining your motives and knowing that you want to change is huge
Just keep showing up, sharing and using the tools
Change will happened and you will easily know how to respond in the future
You hit the nail on the head on your second go-around on this one Stephanie.... Step One applies equally to your hubby, your brother, his wife, AND your mother..... Good efforts/realization on your part - it is all a part of your continued growth in your recovery....
p.s. there is never any "wrong or right" on these things, and don't let anybody tell you different... Al-Anon is a program that helps people work on themselves, so that they are healthy enough to make healthier decisions.... Al-Anon does not "should" people - rather, it offers suggestions of what has worked for others, in their experience, etc....
In my books, you are doing great!!
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
