UsedToBe, I struggle with that too. It does make me angry that my AH will rant and rave and complain about everything, and is totally incapable of any empathy, and yet I simply cannot bring my own struggles to him (and I mean daily struggles...like a bad day at work...not complaining to him about how he hurts me). If I were to do so, it would turn into yet another huge fight. So I "fake it til I make it" where he is concerned, but his own negativity and emotional distance is so hurtful and exhausting. I would love others' ESH on this issue...

Well let me first say that being a stay at home parent is probably the toughest job anyone could ever have.
I can't remember how old your children are but most times stay at home parents need to have adult interactions during the day.. hence playgroups, or going to the park and socializing with other parents. If your wife is isolating and not getting adult interaction the kids probably are making her crazy now and then.
However if she is being neglecting the childrens needs ( diaper change etc) than you may want to look at other options. Did your wife work before you had kids? Maybe she is missing that. I know as much as I adore my children I at the time wasn't cut out to be a stay at home mom, I needed to work for a variety of reasons ( first and foremost we needed the income) work gave me the adult interaction that I needed and I was beyond good at any job I held and that gave me satisfaction and validated somehow my personal self worth.
Maybe this is a discussion the two of you need to have.
If she doesn't want to go back to work and wants to be a stay at home mom than maybe some boundaries need to be put in place especially where the children are concerened.
I don't worry to much about weather the house is messy unless it somehow creates a danger to the children..but boundaries can be put in place there too. My husband and I had the "discussion" on who is respondsible for what very early in our marriage. And 27 yrs later it is still being put to use. And unless one of us is sick or unable to manage our household duties we stick with our plan.
I think when you are finally really fed up and sick and tired of being sick and tired you will take the time to look for options on how to make the situation better.
I am also wondering ( and this is really none of my business so please don't be offended) if your wife is experiencing some sort of depression. I know I was chronically depressed a couple of years ago...my children grown but at the time I couldn't have cared less about what was going on around me, my son was sinking deeper into his addiction, my daughter stopped talking to me altogether thinking "tough love" was the answer, my husband who is disabled bless his heart took over my normal duties because again I couldn't have cared less if the roof fell on my head. I took every medication out there, went into therapy nothing helped until I hit the doors of alanon and I found out that not only did these wonderful people understand and support me in dealing with my son but they also understood my own personal demons that had come back to bite me in the butt. Some of them had the same demons and I learned through them and working the steps how to crawl (literally) out of the deep hole I had fallin into. No more meds no more therapy just me working on me with all of you supporting me.
Anyway I ask about your wife maybe being depressed and just giving up right now on her respondsibilites. Just a thought.
Wishing you the best in your recovery
Blessings

hi there.  Yes I do hear you.  I first must say as a child raised in the lifestyle of drugs/alcohol and in the chaos and dysfunction of addicted families -- what you feel is not unknown to all in the home, everyone feeels the same feelings.  Everything you and your wife feel, it goes into what the kids feel and everyone is reacting off of each other.  The kids are trapaped in that situation as kids dont have as many choices, they have to accept what their caregivers/parents do in the home and adjust themselves to be able to cope in that somehow. 

You say it is always the same, well then why are u upset?  Why not accept reality and embrace that she is what she is - messy whether drinking or not - lets things go, ok.  How does being critical of her help the kids or you for that matter?  Focus on what you can do.  Be happy, serene and joyful with your kids.  There is no excuse for taking your anger out on the kids or for her or any parent.  That is terrifying to the child -and- all ur doing is telling your child that one ought to be very emotionally upset and go nuts.  That helps no one to cope or improve.

So I would hope that ur building feelings are bc u are seeing the truth and you are coming out of denial about the situation.  Love and kindness is the most important thing.  You have to be honest with your kids but parents can be age appropriate and should be.  Kids get traumatized being brought into adult circumstances and it steals thier childhood away - bc then u the child, is thinking like the adults - focused all on each other, blaming and being upset but no one is helping to change or do anything, eveyone ignores the fact that you (the adults) have an choice in this.

So, I would say first things, first - define what your true needs are (not/versus the wants and fantasies) and get brutally honest with yourself and HP within.  We are to be kind, thoughtful and consierate of each other, we can say what we mean without being mean.  Then begin to notice what you can do to change, what are the solutions here?  If we look for problems that is all we see, look for solutions and see what your choices are. 

I agreee that all dysfunctional families and recovering people need boundaries defined, carefully considered, established, set and then followed through on - it has to be a consequence that you can carry out, for your own behavior - that is how boundaries work, we cannot control other people.

What struck me to write to you is when u sd, she cant control the kids -- wow -- again, no one can control anyone, even ur kids.  U can get ur kids to submit through fear or manipulations - the latter of which mine did, she was always honest, so she never became a hypocrite and she was very open about being codependent and manipualtive. 

It is a family disease bc it is an energetic exchange - the dynamic, the ways in which we communicate in the A home.  The A is not alone, lol oh no, u are feeeding into it when you focus on what she is or is not doing - you lose you and feed the disease for everyone involved when you focus on others.  We shift away our personal power and personal being/resepct, integrity.  The acoa/kid growing up in that environment, well the kids are real tense and they are focused on the parents anticpating what might happen next.  They try to shine, be entertaining or try to change the parents mood bc they feel responsible - why the kids always feel responsible, I guess its just we come from - codependency itself.
   Yes we learn to be the enalbers and the addict is codependent too - they have to have you taking thier blame.  We sacrifice ourselves to the disease like it is a vampire.

I dont have kids.  It is  a huge responsibility.  And childhood is fleeting.  Thank god my mother tauight me about forgiving others - as a way to understand philosophically.  Only I never did put me first, listen to what I wanted and thought - as in just respecting my own opinion - I waited and held my breath to see what my mother was going to do and my step dad.  I felt ignored and lost, I had lots of outbursts and she encouraged me to express myself -but it never changed and nothing ever got better, only worse. 
   As u stuff ur feelings, they fester and come out sideways.  Talking about your feelings, sharing with your kids - about their day, ask them how it went.  I read that kids need thier parents understadning/support in how to handle thier emotions and feelings daily until they are eighteen - that is how tricky feelings can be.    And to have a parent that is emotionally unavailable - bc of the one drinking/drugging and with the other one, bc they are in denial, checked out and ignore their own needs and the basic needs of their kids - it feels like the most lonely place in the whole world - when u are that small and that is what ur parents give you as an example.

My mantra for my [program is to forcus on what I can do to allow me to feel better, more self respect or peaceful/happier or what can I do about my situation? and then set out to do that one thing - do each one next healthy thing at a time and yes it will get better.
   Sit there, frustrated and angry, well u might blow ur lid or "go crazy" then what?  I would say re evaluate your priorities.  If you are angry, ask how important is this, or why is my way the only right way?  Most of our issues are from control, bc u are out of control when u focus on others.  Step one is not saying you are helpless, it says we are powerless to control anything but us.

Recovery is self discovery and I truly hope u stay for the miracle and become the person you were meant to be.  Blessings on your journey.  When things get to be too overwhelming I make lists, whittle down, get simpler and slow down and feel and breathe until the wave of the feeeling subsides and as you feel through it, it will in a matter of a few minutes - just sit down and focus on feeling the emotion and hten let it go, washing over you, then u can see with some clarity, as u calm ur mind down and stop pointing the finger, then u can see more options.

Part of what fuels our insanity as acoa's is the perfection thing bc we got ridiculed when things werent - or bc it was just rejected/put down.  Making mistakes is how we learn and grow, so pleas, give yourself permission to make mistakes and be human.  Forgive you for what you failed yourself at (wahtver it is, I had to grieve my fantasies!) and then embrace you right where you are now, this moment.  This moment u can make a healthy, new change and u will set off a differnt turn of events/energy.  It can start with one idea! 

Does your wife ever get time to herself, or have adult interaction while she's home during the day? I'm not a stay home mom, but I know that if I were, I would be pulling my hair out by the end of the day. I love my children dearly but that would be the hardest job in the world. I know that just being on maternity leave for a while was very rough on my emotional state, and I was actually depressed.

Just wanted to throw that out there. You certainly allowed to feel however you feel - everyone is. Other people's actions are a reflection of how they are feeling.

Hi all, thanks for your responses...I'm having a hard time processing them all and getting them to fit into this situation. Ultimately the smartest thing I know is to just let it go and focus on me and my happiness. It is frustrating to have this environment exist in our home, this sense of constant chaos and disarray. I think part of my frustration is that it is so similar to what I grew up with having alcoholic parents.

I think I was just venting...it is what it is...I am on the right path. My wife is trying, just as I am.