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Long story short my Dad is currently on a major binge. I don't know if he is still drinking or tying to "come down" as he refers to it. Currently he is alone in one of our vacant rental properties just drinking and drinking. I told my mother and sister that I would go today and check on him to see if I could try and convince him to let me take him back home to his house or even to the hospital. Last night I went to counseling as well as an Al-Anon meeting and was advised NOT to go and see him today. What will it solve? How will it help? It will only make me upset. I agreed and instead of going to see him my fiance made a date night commitment so I would not get sucked it. Well today my sister sent me a text and said are you still going to see Dad. I replied back to her by saying that I have decided for my own health and sake of sanity for this day I have chosen not to go, that I have decided to get treatment for my sake, the sake of my relationship in the future with my fiance, and for the sake of my father's recovery. My sister is now saying that he needs a hospital and she wishes she was closer so she can go and she was so happy when she though that I was going so he would not be alone. I understand where she is coming from and now I am shaken and feeling guilty and all I want to do is GET BETTER and RECOVER from this lifelong sentence of being a child of an alcholic. Please Advise?
Aloha Kaysi...the choice is always ours regardless of the advise and suggestions. Of course the consequences are our also and we will take responsibility for both the choice and the consequence. Seems that the consequence has already been chosen; you want your sanity and peace of mind. You can all the AA hotline and ask if they could have someone go by to talk with him. You can call public service as in paramedics or the like and tell them that you're worried and what about. I've done both and a couple of times it's worked.
Others will drop by and give their feedback also. Till then turn it over to your Higher Power and spend some time memorizing the 3c's.
I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I cannot cure it.
You're doing what's right for you. Keep getting to the Al-Anon meetings. If there are more than the one nearby, get to as many as you can in the next week - attend at least six before you decide if the program is really for you or not.
Guilt has been a huge driving factor in my life in my interactions with the alcoholic. Although most of the time, it was him guilting me.
Somewhere in life I learned that to show that I truly care for a person that it meant putting my well-being aside and sacrificing myself to make someone else happy. If I put myself first, I was just being "selfish".
Al-Anon has taught me that it's okay to want to help someone, but to make sure I take care of my needs first before I try to help someone else. It also taught me to stop and think and distinguish between helping someone who truly WANTS and is ready to receive the help, and helping someone simply because I think their life is a mess, even though they don't really want my help.
The latter always lead to stress, heartbreak, frustration and anger for me. It likely also frustrated the other person, too.
If your sister is still concerned about your dad, she's more than welcome to contact the authorities herself to have them go look in on Dad. Her anxiety does not need to become your anxiety.
In my experience, just as the others said, when someone doesn't really want recovery, they won't accept it. They have to want to get better in order to get better. Jerry and Aloha said it so well, I can't add much. Just remember in alanon we are learning to take care of ourselves and if we don't do that and stay worried about everyone else, it makes us sick too. I am also an adult child and codependent, I know where you are coming from.
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You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha
The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point. -Mahmud Shabistanri
Good for you for taking care of yourself I was ALWAYS the go to girl in my family to check on the A. make sure the A's are eating, make sure to take thier keys away I could go on and on and of course I was always the one who had to clean up all thier messes. I held that role for almost 40 yrs and finally found recovery ( horray) because what did all those things accomplish? Absolutly nothing except take up my time, frustrate me, etc And frankly the A's don't want your help in fact they tend to resent it. I have been able to give up being the rescuer for the most part and it is a much more peaceful life for me. Ask yourself what you would accomplish by going to see your dad. Clearly he wants to be alone, and trying to get him to a hospital would require his consent, what are the chances of that...no A wants to go anywhere near a hosp. But even if he did go to the hosp with would be the outcome, unless he is terrbily sick they will just sober him up and send him home. We are powerless over our A's and thier disease, all we can do is hand them over to thier HP's and help ourselves recover from the effects of this disease ( and thats a full time job) I hope you have a wonderful date night and remember to take care of yourself Blessings
Thank you all so much for your responses and concern. I feel a lot better now. I just needed to get reassurance (typical child of an a). I did text message my brother (10 years sober) and he said he will stop on his way home and see if he wants to go to a meeting. I am just trying to recover. I am in counseling and started Al-Anon I am trying regular Al-Anon and also children of. When I feel like I am getting sucked in I just need a meeting or to jump on a forum such as this. Thank You Thank You!!! So much!!!
If it would make you feel better go by the house and make sure he is okay , dont go into the begging him to get help just check on him and carry on with your day..tell him you love him and detach with love .. do the next right thing * for you * Louise
